Moscow, Russia (AP) —
In a surprising reversal today, former Soviet Premier Joseph Stalin held a press conference to lambast current American President Donald Trump.
“For too long have I stood by and watched as Trump ruins the American ideal with his tweets and his fake calling of fake news,” the mass-murderer announced. “I will not be complicit in his demagoguery any longer.”
In a thirty-two minute address, Stalin cited numerous disagreements with Trump, including his treatment of immigrants and his promises to build a wall with Mexico. “I may have built a network of gulags across Siberia that killed hundreds of thousands,” Stalin noted, “but a wall? With Mexico? Is this guy for real?” The Georgian leader who ordered the purge of millions while disavowing all knowledge also critiqued Trump’s willingness to lie to the American public, as well as his sexist and racist agitation. “Does he really think it’s acceptable to divide people in his own country like that?” Stalin asked rhetorically.
Democratic leaders in Congress and across the United States were quick to praise the former dictator for his brave stand against oppression. “Stalin may have committed some minor atrocities in the past,” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) said, “but I think history will now remember him for his bold condemnation of the President.”
Stalin, who avidly supported the Trump campaign in 2016, donated money to his warchest, voted for Trump for President, and approved of all his Cabinet picks, is now a minor hero of the left. News of his condemnation has been shared and retweed 3,832,750 times by registered Democrats and other left-leaning advocates of the so-called resistance to the American President.
“I’m just so happy we have a friend like Uncle Joe on our side now,” noted left-wing journalist Rachel Maddow. “I don’t care what he did in the past as long as he’s willing to stand up to Trump at a time like this. This is a real moment of crisis in our country and I’m glad Stalin decided to be on the right side of history.”
Stalin, who is widely acknowledged to be responsible for the death of at least 20 million people, is said to be considering a challenge to Trump’s leadership in the upcoming Republican primary in 2020. “I’m no Republican,” noted House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California), “But I would certainly support Stalin over Trump. His bravery today will not be forgotten.”
For his part, President Trump was content to respond with a tweet. “Why haven’t we heard from Stalin for so long until now?” he inquired to open his tweet. “I don’t think that’s his real hair either. Sad!” While stopping short of labeling Stalin’s condemnation “fake news,” Trump said he would no longer meet with Stalin or his advisors on key policies and was considering sanctions against Russia in response.
In a key Congressional vote shortly after the condemnation, Stalin praised Trump’s position and those who voted for it.
“Just because he condemned him doesn’t mean we can expect him to oppose Trump on every issue,” Schumer said of the twentieth century’s most prolific butcher after the vote, “the fact that he made the announcement is enough to make him our ally for life.”