Last night I went to bed at 9:00. PM. I never do this. But I was done and could really think of no reason to be awake. The tank was empty and it was time to recharge.
One of the reasons I never sleep like that is because it leads to dreams. And you all know how I feel about dreams.
I had two major dreams last night – both of them seemingly epic in length and of at least somewhat uneasy character.
The first was unending, but quite simple in nature. I was high atop a precarious, sort of ramshackle structure that wasn’t quite complete. Somewhere between a rundown treehouse and a suspended high-rise construction project, with elements of both. And about 500-1,000 feet up.
The only functional railings or embankments against the edge were up in the far upper-right corner from my vantage and they themselves looked worn and inadequate. Everything else was basically a flat or downsloping surface toward the edge of the vast lethal drop to ground level.
The whole dream was me wrestling with my gut inclination to run toward the edge and jump into oblivion.
I never did jump off, but the battle between my logical understanding that I had no desire to die and my deep-seeded interest in the experience of jumping off was exhausting. And when I looked for alternative extrication methods, I of course discovered that there were no ladders or trapdoors or paths – nothing to break the surface of the top level I was holding onto against ever-increasing winds. And while the structure itself was relatively stable (thus there was no immediacy or urgency to leaving the present location), the inevitable need to leave was confronted by an overwhelming dearth of options besides jumping.
The second dream was much more convoluted and realistic, involving Fish and I taking a road trip from Albuquerque to New York during an extended weekend. Somehow we had four or five days to hang out in Albuquerque, drive to New York, hang out in New York, and have me back at work by the end of the last day. It didn’t really seem feasible.
The whole dream was me wrestling with the ever-decreasing feasibility of the trip’s timing against a backdrop of tons of people that Fish and I know coming and going in Albuquerque or lining up in New York.
This one also never got to a point of resolution… we just had ever diminishing time as we stalled and delayed, hemmed and hawed in Albuquerque while wanting to stay longer and see people and take the road trip and have lots of time in New York.
I woke up from all this feeling more or less untenable.