On Monday, the world held its breath as the 800-year-old Notre Dame cathedral in Paris was engulfed in flames. We all were brought to tears as its iconic spire capitulated to the blaze. And by “we all,” I mean “those of us who are monsters.”
How dare you care about a building? It is an amalgam of stone, wood, and glass. If you prick it, it does not bleed. If you tickle it, it does not laugh. I am not laughing.
If you donated some of your personally earned money to the cause of rebuilding the Notre Dame – a structure owned and operated by the Catholic Church – I will devote my life to calling you out on social media. The Catholics already have enough money to rebuild and that money could go to starving children, ebola research, or saving a walrus from jumping off a cliff.
More importantly, that same money could buy you a sandwich or a video game or a tiny portion of your law school education, the purchase of which I will be sure to like on social media. I may reaffirm it with a witty comment. If the picture of your sandwich is sufficiently well framed, I may even click love.
To be clear, even if you do donate to help a starving child, I may call you out. Did you find the most hungry child before you sent them your money? How much research did you even do? I bet I can find someone who is suffering more, who is more deserving of your dollars. The fact that you would consider giving money to a starving child when there are hungrier children out there just shows how indifferent you are to human misery.
I apologize for even mentioning ebola research or jumping walruses (walri?). Their pain can’t begin to compete. If you’re going to donate that money, it had better go directly into the hands of someone who will die within nanoseconds if they do not receive your cash.
However, if you’re not going to donate that money, I am excited to squee about whatever you did with it. That $7 latte is the best! That $40 concert T-shirt is a must-have! Those $150 vintage sunglasses are to die for!
Ohmygod, I adore that new luxury SUV you just bought. Take me for a ride? And I am so impressed by how hard you worked for that new job at Goldman Sachs. You are killing it!
All I ask is that, before you donate any of that extra money you’re making to a so-called “good cause,” you make sure it is the absolute best cause in the known universe.
Oh, and could you give to my Kickstarter? I’m trying to design a board game.
