You know how people sometimes say they wish they could hit the pause button on their life and just have some pure, unadulterated downtime? I’ve probably said it before at some point. Let’s see, yeah… here (15 March 2007).

Well the last few days have felt like that. And guess what? It’s not so great.

I mean, the big problem is that I’ve been sick. Not crazy super sick, although as I recently observed to Em, the sickness hasn’t really been tested because I’m not working or running around or really trying to do much of anything. When I had a day job, I would need a lot of energy to get through a day. When debate coaching or writing or playing basketball, I’d need quite a bit of energy. But I’m in this weird stage between vacation and starting the next project, still waiting to get feedback on American Dream On so I can find an agent/publisher for it, totally in limbo. And so I don’t use much energy. So I’m sick, yeah, but I don’t really know how sick.

But it’s been two weeks. Which isn’t a great sign. But it’s now just in my sinuses, which is sort of livable, though not conducive to expending energy. I had a cold and ear problems while in New Mexico, pretty well ruining my physical state during the vacation (though not really ruining the vacation in sum), but since getting back, it’s really just been in the sinuses. I sort of sniffle and blow through the day, then get a little worse at night, eventually decide to sleep and awaken to the sensation that I’m drowning. I then spend a very intense couple morning hours trying to unclog my sinuses to escape that lovely drowning sensation.

And it starts all over.

I’ve been taking Sudafed on and off, sort of experimentally, to discover that it doesn’t really change much. It certainly doesn’t prevent the drowning feeling, which is really the big problem.

In any case, I’m just drifting right now. Without the energy, motivation, or schedule to start a new project, but without enough real sense of freedom, departure from the last project, or wellness to feel free and like I can really enjoy a break or time off.

And then I smashed my toe. I kicked a tiger. Really. Or El Tigre Grande, the solid metal tiger I won for being top speaker at Princeton in 2002. This was about four days ago, I guess, just after I’d sent out the book (or just before?), and I was running into my room and had forgotten that El Tigre’d been moved off the bookshelf in the hallway and onto my floor before we left so people could inspect the damage behind the bookshelf that the movers had left there. It’s a real horseshoenail that lost the kingdom kind of thing, or tiger that broke the toe. Except I’m pretty sure it’s not broken.

If you’re wondering what it looks like, just imagine a left pinky toe that looks like this: my ring finger in April 2008.

I don’t mean to complain, really, because I’m doing pretty well overall. I’m very happy with my novel and the positive feedback is starting to trickle in (along with some expected grumblings about the difficult subject matters). Everything is on schedule and according to plan. Globally, it’s hard to imagine me being happier.

But day-to-day, I’m just sort of slumping along. In limbo. Which is probably why I haven’t been posting, haven’t written any comics yet, why it doesn’t feel like a new year yet.

I’m ready for that year to start. Anytime now. Just let me wake up able to breathe.