The Road and the Common
(1-10 June 2000)
-Okay, this is getting old. Fast.
-No news is a big fat stable pound of boredom. At least when things are less than stellar, the sine curve is in effect. This is just the imperceptible decline of what seems like evenness. I get the feeling that everything will change soon, turning itself on its head & providing me with all the excitement I can stomach. The waiting for that is lethal, though. I feel like I'm sitting on the beach, baking in the sun, awaiting the tidal wave that could bring me cool salvation or decimating force, but probably will carry both in larger quantities than I anticipate. In the words of Topper, "Bring it!"...
-Looking over the above, I know just how heartily I could be eating my words in the forseeable future. But that's what life is all about.
9 June 2000
-Not so much better as the same. Yawn.
-Tomorrow is allegedly Move-In Day II. Raise your hand if you actually believe that we have our act together to that extent. I didn't think so...
-HTML code reminds me of a lot of people in my life, both past & present. If one doesn't say something EXACTLY right, to the letter & even the extensive spacing of the letters amongst each other, everything screws up. & then everything else will be on hold until the little code feels better about its error, which it wouldn't think of IDENTIFYING for you... just leaves you to guess at where the minute little problem may be. It's a mess of trial-&-error guessing until one stumbles upon the actual flaw. Such expectations of perfection are familiar. No offense to anyone, of course. But it does seem to provide a nice little lesson for the day.
8 June 2000
-Another exhaustive webpage update. If nothing else, a bunch of tenses needed changing. After all, I'm now halfway through college. If that doesn't make you shudder, little will.
-I need reasons to get up in the morning. Badly. From that, ALL else will follow.
-Need something badly enough & one is almost guaranteed a day to understand that it's difficult as all heck to get. In other words, this was one of the most lethargic, drained days in recent memory. & that's saying a fair amount. Yucko-stucco. Things better be better tomorrow.
7 June 2000
-Always a relief to make it through that day. Twenty-one down, who-knows-how-many to go.
-No... energy... to write e-mail... tonight... many things to do tomorrow (read: later today).
-After a relatively thorough investigation, I've discovered that I also haven't been to Nebraska. After discussing states with Nivey-Nive (who himself is over 40), I realized that not having been to Iowa made it highly unlikely that I'd have been to Nebraska. & I haven't. So that's 44 down, 6 left. At least now 2 of them border each other...
-Things that one anticipates to be easy so often are really tough, while that which one expects to be difficult is remarkably easy. The solution to this is to think that everything's going to be hard. Either that or just not have any expectations of any type whatsoever.
6 June 2000
-Happy Mortality Day.
-Yes, the above comment is twinged with tongue-in-cheekiness. But notable days always seem to be preceeded with "Happy", even if the day in question has no earthly reason to be happy, like Valentine's Day or Memorial Day or Flag Day or Pearl Harbor Day. Okay, I guess it's been a while since someone wished me a Happy Pearl Harbor Day, but you get the idea. Even birthdays are starting to strike me as yardsticks of how much the time everyone around me takes for granted is outpacing the time I feel. So, I guess I really just mean to acknowledge the day without getting into trying to influence your emotional state as well.
-Still haven't been to 4 Corners. But it was a great 500-mile roadtrip in the most classic of senses... we were on the road for basically the entire trip. There was no real achieved destination - after Santa Fe, it was just checking out the roads of northwestern NM. Which was fun by all accounts, though a bit heavy on some of Nivey-Nive's more dubious musical side. Conversation was stellar though, if freaky at times. But good-freaky... more like "everything is way too connected in this crazy planet" freaky.
-Fun experiment to try at home or with friends: listen to a long set of Beatles songs (esPECially recommended is the 1962-66 compilation double-album) & replace the word "love" wherever it appears with the word "shrimp". Do so both mentally & while singing along. Good for hours of enjoyment, for people of all ages. Though one does feel a little Forrest Gumpy at the end, even through all the gut-busting laughter. Ranks SLIGHTly below "fink means good bread" on the translational humor scale.
-Exit Nivey-Nive. That was certainly a fun diversion!
-I had a long convoluted dream about 'Deis last night, & it included this somewhat memorable scene involving Ariela, who was immensely worried & flustered in the dream. This morning, I got an e-mail from her... the first I've heard from her since departing campus. So hm. I would probably have written her later today with or without her contact. That's just how things work.
-Retractions are sometimes unnecessary. Beware misinterpretation.
5 June 2000
-Job search follow-ups can wait another day, right?
-How long IS the drive from here to 4 Corners? Why have I still never been there?
4 June 2000
-Someday, the Blazers will have a 15-point 4th quarter lead & decide NOT to throw it away...
3 June 2000
-Cynical Diffidence 1, Faith in the Human Spirit 0.
-You know, the real tragedy is not being able to trust people, to have to assume that people are all cons & tricksters & people out to do wrong, just because one person is. To have to look other people in the eye, thinking that they are just like the last & that I'm too "wise" to get burned this time. I guess one only really gets burned in these things once & the hurt lasts a long time. I wanted so desperately to do something right, to be able to beat the odds in our society, to have faith where none was necessarily justified. Like looking into the lion's mouth & not fearing. Instead, I'm just a stupid kid. & I paid for it. But I'd pay triple the amount to not have to go through the inevitable loss of faith that's swarming all around me already. People who make it by preying off other people's kindness are the worst, because they destroy kindness & confidence in every direction. & we are left in the wake of the mushroom cloud of former sympathies for others, wondering if it's all worth saving anyway. That's just not something he has the right to do. But it's done. & I did it every bit as much as he; perhaps more. No one to blame but myself here. Absolutely no one. My only consolation right now is I'm learning from it & it probably only ranks as the 2nd worst expenditure of that amount of money in my life... would be 3rd if Gris & I had lost those CDs last summer. & I can cling to the idea that he needed it more than I did. But it probably went to drugs. So on top of everything else, I'm supporting that too. I just feel like an unfathomably idiotic moron.
2 June 2000
-Everybody, stop blaming yourself for everything. For anything. I mean it. It's not your fault anyway. So stop thinking it is. Only I have the right to do that. Really.
-Everclear's forthcoming album is called something to the effect of "Learning to Smile". That may actually be the full name of the CD. They better not have forsaken the cause, or I'll be about the only one left. Maybe it's sarcastic. That'd be a surprise.
-Watching the National Spelling Bee on the TV took me straight back to the Geography Bee... both the Oregon finals in '93, but especially the NM finals in '94. Damn Labrador Current. But another memory of that year I will always hold is coming up with Addis Ababa as the answer to some question that the questioner clearly thought was impossible as he read it. The look of surprise on his face is etched right up there with my disappointment at dropping the ball on the ol' Lab Current. These competitions get over-built in one's mind & they never ever go away. I wonder if I'll ever have a Debate Nats like that...
-Ever feel like a ping-pong ball?
1 June 2000
-Rounding the corner & heading for June... &... oooh, that's not an auspicious start...
-Why am I so hungry these days? All the time, it's just a constant request for food. Calm down, stomach! Seriously! Can't you be satisfied with ANYthing I give you?
-Everything, everything makes so much sense. Too much sense. Nothing like a late night out to realize how universal everyone's problems are & how much more challenging some people's lives are. Wow. I don't know which of these two realizations, or rather illustrations of well-imbedded realizations, is stronger right now. Each is awe-inspiring. I think Bobbie at the Waffle House is my new personal hero... or should that be heroine? I don't know about that whole word-change-for-females thing, but either way, she's one strong person & she has my respect.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.