A Story of Love
(12-21 April 2002)

21 April 2002
[from Baltimore]

-The most important four words of my life have been uttered.  Forget debate.

20 April 2002
[from Baltimore]

-My last tournament ever, & what a good start it's off to.  I love defending civil disobedience.  It neatly helps prepare me for the rest of my life.  That round was followed by a crazy OLD-school dino judging us.  So far, so good.
-Hitting Emily at Nats was what I'd most hoped against.  & in this fashion... ay, no me gusta.
-The most impossible draw ever.  Emily & Lauren, Jeff & Harry, Ed & Yoni, & Raj & Phil.  No matter what happens, I'm very proud of how we did under those circumstances (including, apparently, speaking terribly), & 6th round was fantastic whatever may happen.  Wow.

19 April 2002
-When did our team go from striving to debate well & taking that seriously to being some sort of random middle-management training session?  I remember days when "doing something for the team" meant debating well, y'know, like breaking or winning a tournament.  It now seems we're under new management, where running tournaments is all that counts in your favor, whether or not you actually were responsible for, I dunno, breakfast & pizza, for a random example.
-But I would like a unified front at Nats, nevertheless.  Sigh.
-Well, here it comes.  I'm a few hours from the van ride to my last debate competition ever.  At least associated with an institution of learning.  I suppose if someone invents an adult league, or if there's some sort of dino tourney some day, but even then...  I've gotta wonder.  I think Drew's worried I have so many eggs in this final basket, but I don't know how I couldn't.  I'm trying hard to reach that Zen stage I was in at CatNats '98 (which Chetan won, incidentally), where I just thought I was done with debate forever & I was really relaxed & ended up in a 5-0 round.  & I'd never been nearly as good at LD as I am at parli.  So what is to be done, in the words of Lenin?  I will debate & I will enjoy it, & I will strive.  & in the back of my mind, I will know that my North American championship can never be taken away.  I will know that no one from Brandeis has finished as high in any 'OTY.  I will know that I have done things with these 9 years, that I have proven myself to be the debater I dreamed I could be.  & maybe, just maybe, I'll have one more thing to prove.

18 April 2002
-Many concerned e-mails coming in that have been surprisingly supportive.  I don't know what's wrong with me, but hopefully I can make it through.  I really appreciate the sentiments, though.
-Jake's been doing some work & the CYI project is back up!  Check it out...

17 April 2002
-Happy Birthday Kate!
-Speaking of Kate-related things, the 'Deis team is bidding to host APDA Nationals in 2003.  Apparently this year's squad is less concerned about bankrupting the team than last year's when we considered the same issue.  & I'll admit that Kevin & Greg, while a bit optimistic about prices, did their homework.  I personally abstained from the vote (I won't be here next year, after all), but I definitely think we're the most qualified team to host it in a while.  This IS NOT a criticism of Kate... I don't think Kate can be properly (purely grammatically speaking) defined as a "team".  Not everyone (the Bryn Mawr team, for a random example) is willing to do as much work as Kate is by herself.
-In more personal news, I'm absolutely ceasing to function.  It seems that the March to May span always rocks me a bit, but April is the epicenter of horror sometimes.  I really wish I saw a way out of the pits of my mind, but I don't.  "& it haunts me like a curse, I'm like a stone falling hard & I'm only getting worse."
-I am not okay.  But God, am I trying.

16 April 2002
-Am I losing my mind?  Sometimes I have to wonder.  Sitting in Households class, for the part I was able to attend last night, I had to ask myself the question:  How did I happen?  Because it frankly doesn't make sense in some regards.  & I don't know how to reconcile who I've become with my notions of history & the logic around me.  Sometimes it falls into place too easily & more often it defies my imagination to pull the string through my life & come out where I used to be.  That last bit is of course shamefully pilfered, & somewhat mangled, from Jake.
-Of course, my general instabilities are neatly supplemented by the onrushing end of my debate career.  Less than a week.  I don't even know how to comprehend the magnitude of closing up 9 years of my life.  What have you done for 9 years solid?  There's just not much that, if you will, competes.

15 April 2002
-So much craziness at the Library tonight.  People are just on edge.
-Stina's having just as crazy a week as anyone else.  Nay, much crazier!
-I'm discovering, through my Music Appreciation class, that I really just don't enjoy instrumental music.  Maybe there was something more than off about today's concert in class, but I think it's just me.  Words are the lifeblood of life, I tell you!
-Motivation waning & collapsing, still.
-SUCH a surreal day...

14 April 2002
-Yay lunch at the Taqueria with folks!  Best way to turn an awful night of dreams around.
-Driving in Boston:  there's a reason I tried to swear it off.
-What I anticipate & what I dread are such interesting indicators of the world I perceive.  I'm so much less of a future-oriented person than almost anyone I know & I guess it's just a product of my interminable uncertainty.  3 seconds from now is still planning ahead.  & not much I can do about it, or want to.

13 April 2002
[from Amherst, Massachusetts]

-Should've been able to predict that one too.
-Phil's cases & PMR's will be one thing I won't miss next year.  Just never seems to work out.
-See above for my opinion of MO dumps from Beth.  For all I enjoyed this tourney, outrounds really dampened the experience.
-So many people who are successful that I just don't respect.  Though that's hardly unique to this year.

12 April 2002
[from Amherst, Massachusetts]

-Apparently Brandeis hasn't realized that I stopped caring about academics!
-49 in a row.  But only one left freaks me out!  Doesn't feel like a tournament.  But I guess that's what Hybrids is all about.
-Em's right -- nothing to worry about.
-Will I ever get away from reminders of what I cannot face?

Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
The Blue Pyramid (Source)

Tell me this is not the end...*

*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.