In the Woods
(19-28 September 2000)
28 September 2000
-Happy Birthday Jaque! The first of my NM friends to go 21! CRAZY!
I don't know if I can handle it. Let's hope he can. Because,
as the Spark tells us... I think you kids can see where this is going.
& if you can't, oh well.
-Sheesh, we're getting old.
-Bridge is forever bridge. That's the thing about games like that - if
you know what you're doing, they're the same wherever one goes. That's
comforting, I think.
-Communicating with Namibia is fun. It's weird that it's via computer,
considering what one generally thinks of when thinking of Namibia, but still.
It's very cool. As is at least one person there.
-I still wish there'd been a floor vote at the Williams
tournament. The world may never know...
-This is my 200th day of doing this little Introspection project. That's
a daunting thought in many ways. That beats my old record for a consecutively
kept journal by about 198 days, methinks. & it happens to be public,
which I think is neat. How long this will go on is still anybody's guess,
but it's done enough good that it'll probably be a while.
-"Unfortunately, sociology is not history - it does not tend to conform
to the facts." -Prof. Black. That man cracks me up. & he
spends a disproportionate amount of his time being right.
27 September 2000
-I think I idealize everything. & maybe everyone, to a certain extent.
No offense. It's just a laden process imbedded too deep in my mind
to really try to alter. Maybe. But what stops me is how short of
the one thing I'm really looking for everything seems to fall. & maybe
the fault's mine, & I'm not giving anything a chance. That's certainly
what everyone seems to think, anyway. But I don't think that's the whole
story. Really, I think I'm just waiting for the thing that'll knock me
clear into next week. & yet, you say, it may be the same as everything
else & I've just built this up to be more because I need. Look what
happened last time, you say, with sodium in your voice. But you're right
to question it. I don't blame anyone for their questions. Especially
when they're illuminitory, or intended to be. Put it this way, I don't
know, so I have to hope. & idealize in the mean time. But it
doesn't keep me from feeling lonely most of the time. Not a unique claim,
but one that I feel deeply.
-Ay, there might be a bit of what would loosely be defined as "the craziness".
-I've got my Monday/Wednesday routine back! Everybody celebrate... it
really does feel good.
-Most of the time, irony just takes me out behind the woodshed, rips me in half,
& feeds me to the dogs. But sometimes it's funny too. Usually
both. I was going to go somewhere with this, to conclude somehow, or cleverly
sum up, but there's really nothing more to be said on the subject. It
is what it is. Often overwhelming, frequently funny, & usually I just
end up being munched on by dogs.
-Never let imagery get in the way of a good concept.
26 September 2000
-It's officially PreOctober.
-I am not sick, but I am debilitated. I am not incapacitated, but I have
had a migraine for about 4 days. I am not pleased with "TheSpark.com"'s
(recommended this time via Mesco) Personality Test labelling me as an "Accountant"
(submissive introverted concrete thinker). I think what I object to in
the last issue is the "concrete" part (as opposed to abstract - I
think almost everyone I know would say my head is way too invested in the clouds
to be a concrete thinker rather than abstract), though I think that dividing
people into thinker vs. feeler is absurd, & introverted vs. extroverted
almost as absurd. We're ignoring some very vital fine lines here. Regardless,
if you want to go there, take the test,
& plug in eireduck@hotmail.com afterwards, you'll be able to check your
alleged compatibility to me. Good times for all.
-Tuesdays are long. By this logic, I've decided to take my first much-needed
day off from Logic.
-Jake Axel needs to relax. About a lot of things, but most thoroughly,
Model UN & people's commitments to it. What part of "voluntary
club" did he miss the boat on?
-Things are sliding a little, but they're under control. Today was one
of the first mornings I woke up really wondering why I wasn't in the West. The
question always remains, but the focality of it can be lessened for the time
being. Or up till now at the very least.
-I feel very hollow today. Sitting in class, it was like fog had invaded
my mind & I was trying to see around clouds in order to comprehend things
like I usually do. & I actually have to do homework today, which is
just weird.
25 September 2000
-ZimZim needs to work on the whole stereotyping thing. But I insist, unlike
what Steino would have you believe, that he really is getting much better about
most things. His attitude's improved. He just feels compelled to
hang on to things that he grants are self-destructive & utterly irrational.
Come to think of it, though, most people do too. Just more noticeable
with him.
-Okay, I really do have to do laundry. Really. But it'll be my first
laundry of the semester, so that's decent.
-Another full pot of coffee down the hatch. No sleep for me!
-Pain swallower, at your service!
-Arbitrarily feeling physically blechy is no fun. What's weird is that
most people are picking up on it. In the last 72 hours, about 2/3rds of
the people I've run into have asked if I'm okay. & it's different
than they usually mean it - almost always, it's emotional status they're inquring
about. But of late, they seem to be perceiving something I barely can
understand myself. Either way, my primary verdict is Yuck.
-I should stop ditching basketball & history. At least I'm going to
all my other classes & Black is friendly when we bump into each other in
the hallways after I haven't been to his class in a week. I think he's
trying to con me into coming back regularly since I'm the only person who looks
back at him responsively during class.
-So much of philosophy classes is repetition. I'm tired of it. I'm
tired of it. Of it, I am tired.
-Ah, the first taste of impending October...
24 September 2000
-I love Ariela. Come back!
-My NM friends are the funniest group of people on the planet. No, really,
they are.
-Speaking of the NM friends, happy birthday to DK, happy birthday to DK, happy
birthday dear Chunx-o-Kunx, happy birthday to DK!.....
-Calls have come in today at 2:30 am, 3 am, & 4:30 am, all from different
people. I love this ultra-communicative life I'm living.
23 September 2000
[from Williamstown, Massachusetts]
-Yes, there must be drama in all things
debate.
-What a tournament. What a weekend. & this was our "warm-up"
tourney, too. This is gonna be a great debate year.
-This situation is never going to leave me alone. But you know what? I
think at this point I can comfortably say that I don't want it to. Well,
I might like it to SOMEtime, but I'm in no apparent rush. Some things
rarely change.
-Team.
22 September 2000
-All the pain will make sense in the end. All of
it. One may not be able to see how or why until that end comes nigh, but
at that point, the illumination of why things happened the way they did is momentous.
& inspires me to give great thanks. Whatever may befall someone
in this crazy lifetime, the odds are good that it prevented them from befalling
things far far (more unimaginably) worse. & that should make us grateful.
I'm grateful. For the confusion I've dealt with pales in comparison
to what I might've had to face. So I am relieved, & renewed in my
faith in the grand plan.
-A good poker night... finally.
-Novices need to figure out this whole being-committed-to-tourneys thing. Beyond
that, things are good there too.
-Lisha cracks me up.
21 September 2000
-My life is slowly becoming entirely consumed by debate
&/or the Debate Kids. Which is fine by me.
-Appreciate walking. It's a luxury, not a right. I've never taken
such giddy joy in it before, but losing something temporarily will always have
that effect.
-I don't appreciate having candidates write on my board shamelessly self-promoting.
It's bad enough that 50 people hang signs saying "Jim the Schmuck
for East Quad Senator" without me finding it amongst important messages
on my door...
-From a discussion with Brandzy & Ari Rabin-Havt (who can be intelligent
& non-offensive sometimes, apparently, I suppose), all needs are contingent
(something I've long held as a philosophy) EXCEPT possibly purpose. If
one believes in higher purpose, Brandzy argues that having a purpose is a need
which is non-contingent. I'm not sure it really qualifies as a "need"
in the truest sense, but if it is, it's wrapped up in the soul, which prompts
the question of whether one can commit "soul-suicide" in a sense...
this would make it contingent; otherwise, it might be the only non-contingent
need. I love it that I get more philosophy out of discussions with friends
than my academics in a semester when I'm enrolled in 4 Philosophy classes.
-This new Wallflowers album is really good. Even if it doesn't come out
for 19 days...
-Jesus. Fish is JUST starting school. I feel already so imbedded
here it's crazy. Like I never leave or something. & given the
dates for Glasgow Worlds (26 December till 6 January), it looks like I'm not
gonna be home much till NEXT summer. So. I still find it amazing
that some people really have reason to associate late September with the beginning
of school, like they do in all the comic strips.
-It's official... I'm going to see HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH! I'm proud
of my liking for this group & I don't care what you think. Anyone
whose next album title is a Waffle House reference is good enough for me. It's
going to be awesome.
20 September 2000
-These things are so interesting. The little situations
people end up finding themselves in. Where do one's priorities really
lie? What is one willing to give up in order to maintain a way of dealing
with things (or not dealing with them)? How important is it to be the
most stubborn, the longest-lasting, the toughest kid on the block? Questions
that remain to be answered, or seem to be developing into answers of their own
accord. But ones that interest me nonetheless. The study of humanity
is so often in perfect alignment with the study of irrational behavior.
-6 teams going to Williams. Rock on.
-Just as things start to heal, the rain returns. Screw the rain. The
thunder was kinda neat, but the rain's just threatening.
-7 hours in a row of anything is a haul. Admittedly the 4 debate hours
were broken up a bit, but they were fairly exhaustive anyway. For various
reasons.
-Brandzy is never home.
-That girl is such a cutie. The more I ponder it, the more I play out
the crazy what-if scenarios & it's all well beyond silly. But tonight
it couldn't help but intrigue me. Especially since it's the first time
we've spoken since, what, early last year? Bends in the road & where
they lead us. I can't handle the idea of only having one short attempt
at the whole life thing primarily because it'd just be so final. I know
Jake tells me "this is your eternity," but I think if this is really
all we get, then most of us just do a lousy job of it, so the higher purpose
has to reside in a continuation. Surely the experiment isn't "here's
a bunch of untennable situations decided by things beyond your control, now
let's see how badly you screw up!"... it's gotta go deeper than that. &
I think there's more to this existence than screwing up. I guess what
gets me is the missed opportunities. The potential & how short everything
falls of it, mostly because it has to. Because life is contingent on other
people & other people are not perfect, just as we ourselves are not perfect,
& part of our imperfections are laden in the imperfections of others. All
forks are not taken, in fact most are not even considered because their source
roads are diverted. & there are possible equally perfect worlds in
which those forks would be explored. & while it all works out for
the best, some of those forks somewhere must get a 2nd chance. That's
something I spend a good chunk of my time looking forward to. At least
tonight. The vastness of potential is enough to soak up forever.
-Yay! I can WALK again!
-Do you know how much better politics & elected representation would be
if every person running had to actively (& postively) campaign for their
OPPONENTS? Exit shameless self-promotion & enter sincere honest straightforward
un-hyperbolic perspectives on what people really stand for. Until that
time, though, we get besieged by the ol' shameless self-promotion till the point
of ridiculousness. Wahoo.
19 September 2000
-You wouldn't think I could fit 6 people into this room.
But I did. All a perfect setup for my fourth Risk win in five tries
this semester. I'll take an .800 anytime.
-So, these last 48 hours have conspired to be predominantly lousy. Luckily,
I've had some spare momentum to ride the tide on through. Now I'm hoping
for a real surge again. Something tells me this will not begin with my
Symbolic Logic test tomorrow. Funny that. However, there'll be debate
& then everything will focus on preparing for Williams. Woohoo.
-I need to write some e-mails. Tomorrow.
-Happy Birthday (a handful of days late, but it's your fault that I'm late,
so...) Brandzy! Even if you don't want to confront the big 2-0, the big
2-0 will confront you! I know who you were trying to think of... John
Lennon!! Trust me, kids, this really IS funny...
-My toes have gone from nondescript red to deepest darkest purple. Tell
me this is progress. I think I'll know it's progress when I stop walking
around in a fashion that inspires most everyone on campus to stop, look forlornly
in my direction, & ask if I stepped on a mine over the weekend.
-Progress. Slow. But certain.
-I'm an eternal fan of language & linguistic perfectionism, which is why
I get a kick outta Kate's latest comment about my recent comments. Interpretation
is always such a funky thing. Especially when I phrase things as, well,
inopportunely as that. Funny funny stuff... kinda.
-90% of the time someone in my Kant class raises their hand, it's to ask Greenberg
to repeat something he just said. Immanuel himself would be distraught
to witness one of our sessions. Yes, people really are that slow, apparently.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers",
by SWClayton.