(15-24 June 2005)

24 June 2005
-I am truly masterful at not being productive.  Augh.
-Don't even want to jinx the next project by talking about it, but I'm feeling energy for something that isn't silly, so I'm going to leave it at that & be hopeful.
-How does that Hootie line go again?  "I can't be your answer man..."  I think it's like that.

23 June 2005
-Well I had an interview today for a job that, with time, I'm starting to feel sheepish for even considering.  They drew me in with talk of it being playing poker for money & it ended up being something much more like standard casino fare.  & as sorely tempted as I am to just take some work, stop feeling guilty, make a little money, & not worry about it, I really do know better.  & the money situation just isn't as bad as it seems, with me tightening my eating-out belt & such.  But still, still... I feel so conflicted about things.  Enh, it'll all work out & I don't need to do a mini sell-out just because I'm feeling affirmed by being offered a job.

22 June 2005
-Maybe not.
-Lately, I've been contemplating what the complete obsession is with missing people in our society.  Long before they found this kid in Utah, one of the top news stories almost every day for seeming years has been one or another person who has gone missing.  The sad reality is that the portion of missing people we hear about is a tiny tiny fraction of those who actually go missing all the time in this country.  So the ones we hear about are that magic combination of rich, high-profile, & physically attractive.  But think of how many of these people have been big stories in the past decade...  We still hear about Jon-Benet Ramsey.  Or Laci Peterson.  Chandra Levy was the top story just before 9/11, though that was a little more reasonable given the fact that a Congressman had her killed.  The top story that the Utah kid bumped off the list was another missing person in Aruba (whose family must be hating this Utah kid, by the way).  If one really thinks about this madness of missing people, none of them make sense as news stories, let alone the top stories that they become.  The number of people they affect are horrendously small & the portion of them relative to the overall number of people who go missing is ridiculous.  Like so many other things in our society, good looks & money make the difference between being unheard-of & a national celebrity for weeks on end.  So WHY do these become such stories?  Is it just fear?  Do the stories speak to a personal fear within all of us that we'll disappear & no one will care?  Or that those we love will disappear & never be seen again?  No doubt that the triumph of the rare ones who are found is a universal feel-good story like few others... there are two sides of most stories, but no one can argue that finding a missing kid in the wilderness is in any way bad.  But very few of these stories end that way.  To me, the whole thing seems illogical & trivial.  & it should be noted that my family has twice had missing people in it in the last 40 years, both of whom made small local press in the area & both of whom were found dead several days after going missing.  Even though I've seen the personal impact of these things, I don't get the massive media frenzy that they create.  I have more I could explore, but I'll leave it there for now & maybe revisit this issue a bit later.  I just don't think these people are more important than all the people dying daily around the globe, especially those being killed by Americans.

21 June 2005
-Perhaps the most dubious feeling in the world is not knowing whether one should feel dubious or not.  Nevertheless, given my general perspective on things these days, I just can't not try.  Right?

20 June 2005
-The funk rolls on.  It's like a fog blanketing my perspective.  It's so hard to know what I want to do with my life, my time, myself.  Nothing is seeming inspiring.  I seem to be in a lull of failure & self-deprication reminiscent in some ways of June 1990, or at the very least of June 2000.  Interesting the pattern that I can see there as I write that out.  Although to be honest, it was more May 2000 than June.  But still.  & I have more support now than I ever had then, & things just aren't as bad now as they were then.  But that same listlessness is here... the utter lack of feeling like there's a solid niche for me in this world.  There has just GOT to be something to be done.  Chto dyelat?

19 June 2005
-A terrible, no-good, very bad day.  Started out well in Tracy with breakfast & all, but wound up with driving in SF, being very late to the Hootie show (& missing all but 3 songs), & then walking around postering everywhere when already sore & exhausted & cranky.  So it goes.  My funk is just getting more down & funkier.

18 June 2005
[from Tracy, California]
-Came out this way after Em got off work (fairly early for once) & got perhaps the most perfectly spiced pad see-ew of my life.  It was plenty spicy, but definitely not too much so.  If only I could get other restaurants to replicate precisely that spiciness.  I've been in a long struggle with getting the innately not-spicy dish to be served with the right balance of spice for me.
-How I love the game Ticket to Ride.  I'm undefeated in many runs of it on the American board (Jen beat me on the new Europe board a few weeks ago).  & despite my run of wins, it's always a close game at the end.

17 June 2005
Happy Birthday to David Gray
-Shake, rattle, & roll!  I'm 0-for-4 on actually feeling this late spate of quakes, but it definitely makes one think the San Andreas is up to something when there are this many all up & down it in such a short time.  Whose fault is it?
-&, in case we had any doubts, I am so different from most people.  Silly people with their watching movies at home!  It's all about the theater...  Though all this superhero themed stuff is for the birds.  When will it end?  Am I the only person who has an utter aversion to all superhero films?

16 June 2005
-Today ended up being an angry day.  I was just angry at people.  In my opinion, they really helped make me angry.  Maybe I should go back & watch the Magic Theater video from the summer of, what, '91?  '92 perhaps?  I think 1991.  The Boy & His Anger.  What a good role for me that was.
-The Mexicali Rose has really become the post-up spot lately.  It's always good to have a solid cheap restaurant for the late-night.  Necessary, I dare say.

15 June 2005
-Finally starting to really recover from the migraine... I think I've been conscious for about 5 of the past 24 hours.  As tends to be the trend with my migraines, the most intense of them are often the shortest, rarely lasting more than a day.  But I do feel like it's a slow recovery & that if I make any sudden movements, it'll be back with vengeance.
-Took the opportunity of being able to move, however, & have now applied for 2 jobs in the past 3 days.  This is progress!
-This quiz labeled my brain as merely two-thirds female.  The 33% male rating may be the highest one of these quizzes has ever given to my masculinity.  Have I mentioned today that I hate the concept of gender?
-This is NOT a news story.  This is propaganda.  I thought it was bad when the Daily Show covered a real live interview with Ronald McDonald on MSNBC.  But at least that was advertising... not straight propaganada.  & it's the #1 article on CNN to boot!
-Considering a major overhaul of the main BP page... but I don't really know what to do.  I want some sort of shift from the way things have been, but I definitely want to keep things simple.  I'm worried that any tweaks I make at this point will replace the simplicity with at least mild annoyance.

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