(16-25 April 2005)

25 April 2005
-Yesterday was exhausting, & change is in the air.  It's all I can do to plug & chug through another day.  Batteries fade, staff fade, & yet I persist in the old routine.  Is it comfort or something more compelling?  How does an advocate of change take on so little?  As always, I have more questions than answers for myself, when answers for others seem to come so easily.
-The full moon we dodged yesterday was in full force this evening.  Well a lot of it had worn off by the evening, but it was a hard road making it to nightfall.  & yet I still feel so conflicted about everything.  But so far the work has been of a challenge level I can live with... so far.

24 April 2005
-Played games with Em, her co-worker/friend Sujatha, & Stina last night, then had a great discussion about the past & the world at large with the last of these.  I can't say I have insight into everything that people need to learn, but I feel I have a darn good grasp on how things are learned by one & all.
-People've been having a tough time lately.  Some more'n others.
-Saw "Millions" at work with one of the kids, which I was expecting to be kinda cheezy, but wound up being quite good.  Not the average British movie, but British movies are almost always better anyway.  Surprisignly relevant to the major issues coming up these days as well.
-There's a reason I don't try to write these things on shift.

23 April 2005
-Finally caught up with this page again, after almost a month again.  Didn't I just do this?  I apologize.  I was trying to explain to Zimmy why it's been so hard to keep it updated on-time lately, & I just can't figure it out myself.  It's not that I don't want to keep it up or that I'm not still a believer in the project.  I just have been so behind on everything I work on other than the minimum (i.e. going to work when I have it), that I just seem to be falling into a constant crack.  & I don't even grasp how fast time is passing these days, between my being 25 (gasp!) & months simply flying by.  The last two years have passed so quickly that it really frightens me, & maybe my subconscious doesn't want to be aware day to day of how fast it's all going.  "The Shortest Year" is reverberating in my soul.  Gah.  I can always try to do better, but there's little reason to believe in my discipline now.  It's April like never before.  Well, I can't say never before, but close.
-Went ice-skating for the first time in years.  They gave me exceptionally heavy skates, so I had a hard time getting momentum, but I didn't fall once & I felt like I had the basics of it down pretty comfortably given how long it's been.  It's fun, but I'm not sure it's going to be a new default activity or anything.

22 April 2005
-Poker night was an absolute blast last night, even though I persisted in my seemingly unending losing streak.  I'm still up more than $300 for all the poker I've played this past year, both live & online... but I've lost a ton lately.  Regardless, last night was the most fun a Big Blue House poker night's been in a goodly while.  One joke I cracked sent Cameron, Elena, & I into stomach-smashing hysterics for about 8 minutes apiece.  I don't think I'll be able to look at Elena again without laughing.  Kevin & those two all came up big, & Bernbaum had a major rise & fall.  Zimmy's on a losing streak of his own, but I think we all had a great time anyway.
-Fridays are always the back-breaker for my discipline.  I can excuse not doing anything but reading & computer games on Wednesday, & even a little bit on Thursday, but Friday just has to be a day of discipline.  When it isn't, it's just all bad.
-Saw "The Interpreter" tonight on the big screen at the Grand Lake.  While it wasn't quite as good as I anticipated, it was still excellent & worth seeing.  & who can argue with theater #1 at the Grand Lake on opening night?  As I told Em, I think I'm going to see Star Wars there every night for a week.  So lucky to live so close to the best theater ever.  My one big complaint with this movie was how thinly they veiled that the "fake" country in question was actually Mozambique.  I think they used actual Mozambican flags to represent "Matobo" (capital of Mozambique? Maputo)... if they weren't the actual flags, they were almost identical.  At that point, you might as well just make it about a real country.  I still recommend the flick pretty highly.

21 April 2005
Happy Birthday to Elias-Axel Pettersson
-So I bit the bullet & started the Harry Potter books the other day & now I just can't put them down.  They really are addictive... everything you've heard about them is true.  & they are fast enough reads that I don't feel so bad about picking them up after all, as I was worried that all I'd read for a year would be Harry Potter books.  Just about to finish the first one & I can see myself tearing through them all by midsummer.
-Still not clicking with the discipline.

20 April 2005
-Meetings were rambly & inconclusive today.  So many staff are leaving... some I will miss & others I want to personally watch drive away.  It seems like a terrible time to ditch the house now, when there's this kind of potential for change & upheaval, & they're just strapped for staff anyway.  But I'm starting to feel like Fish, making excuses of obligation for not taking care of himself & quitting.  I continue to just not know.
-In any other job, I wouldn't be constantly exhausted beyond the pale on Wednesdays like I always am now.

19 April 2005
-Today was terrible.  But terrible in a way I could deal with, just because of which kids were going off.  Then my favorite co-worker told me she wasn't quitting after all, but switching shifts, which was another sort of jolt.  I'm as torn as ever, feeling that roller coaster drama continuing to churn.  Indecision 2005.

18 April 2005
-About five people at check-in today asked when I was leaving, which was kind of a shock because I haven't talked to that many people about it.  ASP Josh & I had a good long joke about the cycles this work puts one through & how 5 of the 6 kids are now drawing me back into wanting to stay.  It's just so hard.  I have such a good rapport with 5 of our kids... I feel like I really care about these guys & want to see them through, but that sixth kid just makes it so hard to keep coming back.  Is it always like this?  Can I hold out till #6 leaves?  Will our house even stay open?  I feel like it's a bad TV drama that doesn't know if it's going to get renewed for next season, & my emotions are providing all the drama.
-Wow.  I got to work at a different house today (the little-kids transitional one) & it was like a different planet.  The behaviors were by no means perfect, but if I worked there every day, I wouldn't even be thinking about leaving.  It's just not an atmosphere of constant danger, with the kids they work with.  & the kids aren't teens, so they aren't hung up about showing positive emotion for adults.  They actually seemed to appreciate my trying to help them.  If only I could transfer... maybe it would be good if my house closed after all.
-Sometimes I wonder if I say too much here.  I'm sure if I cared more & it weren't April, I'd worry about this.

17 April 2005
Happy Birthday to Kate Myers
-A difficult day, but right at a good challenge level.  We were 3-on all day & the kids were no picnic whatsoever.  I ended up driving what felt like 200 miles to pick up staff, kids, & go on a snipe hunt to another house because of a miscommunication from my (least) favorite on-call administrator.  Regardless, I have to say that we did excellent work today, & under duress of many varieties.  & I'm so tempted to just stay.

16 April 2005
-Exit Fish, stage Paris!
-Had a good solid relaxing day in Tracy, with games of Ticket to Ride, St. Petersburg, & Hansa.  I really enjoyed all three, & almost won the triple crown but Paul edged me out in Hansa.  I continue to fall behind in things I should be doing, but I'm finding it hard to bring myself to care.  I'm in that weird limbo of not being convinced that I want to leave my job, but not being motivated enough to do as well with notes & such as I have for the last year.  Tangled webs.

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