A New Journey
(21-30 July 2000)
30 July
2000
[from Camp Verde, Arizona]
-Not so bad.
-Right now is the
stagnant water for the
mosquitoes of sorrowful memory.
-Drumming is unreal.
-I just
feel helpless. Somehow
it must all work out. Secretly, I know it does. But I
still feel small.
-Always
look back.
29 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-This is gonna hurt like hell.
-The moral dilemma is looking less likely. I don't know if I want it to
be or not.
-This feels like leaving the Moon - there's no real context for it, but things
aren't going to seem the same back home.
28 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-Things just keep getting more enjoyable in a context
that's more physically challenging than almost any I've ever faced. Some
of that I can explain & some I can't. Either way, this has rocked.
-Real food would be good right now. Just a few more miles.
-News from delirium on the side of a switchback - Sarah: "There's
a bug on me." Me: "Oh yeah?" Sarah: "Could
you do something about that?" Me: "Sure. Where is
it?" Sarah: "I don't know."
-Time has completely lost relevance. Amen to that.
-Wow. Wow wow wow wow. Yeah.
-This is such an unbelievable good day. I just want to grab hold of this
& never let go.
-As I told Sarah, I feel like a gobstopper of thoughts & emotions - zillions
of jumbled & contrary layers & flavors & colors of feeling all mixed
up. It's kinda neat, but overwhelming & wearying.
27 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-I am such a better person in the presence of a
girl I like than at any other time.
-The whole Grand Canyon Lodge experience on the North Rim was really something.
Having hiked through 20 miles of dust & dung to get there made it
all the more bizarre. The Lodge itself really made me miss my parents
& our long trips to various National Parks & notable lodges all over
the West. That got me down the loneliness track & especially when
I considered how I miss that CONTEXT too - how I'll never again be the eight-year-old
with my parents at Yellowstone or anywhere else. So this prompted plenty
of thought about my "next" family, if you catch my drift, which is
never a great idea for me anyway. I get so insanely lonely sometimes &
the one relief always seems vastly out of reach.
-There are moments, like reading a few days back, or playing catch, or even
just the hiking, that earnestly rip me in half with their poignant potential.
I wonder if she glimpses any of that.
-How many times will I put myself through this until... that's not a good train
of thought actually.
-Where there is wind, there is a serene sense of the undying beauty of the universe.
From therein, I draw my motivation, my strength, my perseverence, &
my bull-headed unshakable stubborness. If nothing else, it is my solace.
-The waterfall was perfect. But her comment afterwards was on my Top Ten
List of Things I Want to Hear.
-My interaction with Stina this trip is reminiscent of my interaction with Elias
on the Russia trip.
-15 miles downhill on a bad knee is a full day.
26 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-What a surreal night.
-This Canyon hike is almost a perfect representation of my sine-curve lifestyle.
There've been so many diverse ups & downs, incredible highs &
lows, surges & falls - both physically, mentally, & emotionally. What
a trip, though. So glad (on the whole) I came.
-Being the first of the seven of us to hit the North Rim was the BEST feeling.
25 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-The hike down rocked. Especially the beginning.
The middle of the Canyon is unbelievable - it amazes me that this exists
in the invisible inner portion of the Canyon.
-After the seeing the mules in action, it's probably good that I DIDN'T get
to ride them 16 years ago. It would have scared the bejesus out of me.
-Chris IS Marple. With a slightly more Hippie feel. You'd think
that'd preclude him from Marpledom, but it's really not so.
-Crazy creeks.
-This is the most ideal embodiment of the first verse of "Not Dark Yet"
I could imagine.
24 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-Last night was so bad. But today was so
good.
-Wow. How 'bout that? One of the coolest girls I've ever met, hands
down. If only I had more time...
-Maybe I'll have SOME more time.
-Sarah's final comments of the night to me were almost a best-case scenario.
-Perhaps we're all freakshows. Lonely freakshows.
23 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-So far, things have been way less than stellar.
But today will truly be the test. If this doesn't go well, it might
be time for another 3 am dash out of here?
-Why can I never be happy?
-People will probably never stop writing about the rain. It's too captivating,
or maybe just too innately metaphorical. Either way, I'm one of these
people.
-Things are improving. Slowly.
-Life is so profoundly contingent on other people.
-Any small glimpse of the future would be sufficient to set my mind at ease.
22 July 2000
[from the Grand Canyon]
-"Blood On the Tracks" is only going
to get more relevant.
-Stina's excursionary attitude toward everything in life is remarkable &
I fear it's the source of all kinds of problems. I, at least, find it
extremely stifling.
21 July 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-"East-West" is good. & not
all that predictable.
-I love my Mumsy & Daddy.
-It's going to be time to just be spontaneous. To play things by ear.
To have fun. To write, to read, to hike, to hope, to see what we
can see. Who knows where this'll end up? Not I. & that's
fine by me. All that BS about not making the same mistake 29 times from
a couple weeks back? Forget it. It's a different mistake every time.
Every minefield could be the last. & not because it blows everything
up, either. I'm going to fall back on the younger Dylan, when I echo "This
ain't my first run, it ain't my last try... just got to keep moving on, gotta
keep this together, maybe next time is never." I'll get back to you
all in about a week's time, more or less, depending on spontaneous circumstances.
Updates upon return, most likely.
-& perhaps more relevantly, the older Dylan checks in with "So now
I'm going back again, I've got to get to her somehow..."
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers",
by SWClayton.