(11-20 July 2000)
-Fish & I saw a double-rainbow (not the ice cream place, the actual weather phenomenon!) yesterday driving up San Antonio past the Academy & it was the most vivid rainbow I've ever seen. Definitely a good omen. Unfortunately, 'twas probably the only good thing that happened to Fish just about all day. Oh well.
-I am unquestionably a manic-depressive... I don't think I could have made a greater mood-reversal from 24 hours ago, LET ALONE about 3 nights ago. Wow. Right now I want to bow before everything in my infinite gratitude that I just get to live. L-I-V-E, live! It's so beautiful, it makes me want to cry with joy forever. Yes, I know I'm certifiable, but God, is it fun!
-Kate, I absolutely could not be happier for you. I love you to pieces & couldn't think of a better person or a better time for this to happen. I am doing much better myself, but knowing how well you're doing makes me that much happier. Yay!
-Right now, I'm standing on the verge of what could very well be the greatest mistake of my life, the biggest gateway to joy of my life, &/or anywhere in between. That's an excitement I wish everyone could feel. The exhilirating terror-bliss of that is beyond comprehension, but I feel it anyway. On Friday, the ball gets rolling, with greater vigor than anyone anticipated.
-"Life I love you, all is groovy..."
-"Come in, she said, I'll give you shelter from the storm..."
19 July 2000
-Everybody was kinda pissy yesterday. That was annoying. Let's hope it doesn't spill over. I was probably part of the problem too, but these headaches... oh well.
-Kate, there's really nothing you can do. So don't worry about it. It's been well-established that I'm neurotic... I have had long conversations with my Mom, Schneider, & Fish in the last 24 hours about how I don't let anything go & don't see the point in trying to. That's just my way. If I want to do things the hard way, there's nothing any of you can do to wrench that away from me. & yes, the hard way hurts. A lot, sometimes. But it's what I've chosen for myself, it's the only way I know how to live, & the only way I can see trying to live. & I don't want no delusions, neither. Don't worry - I'll be fine. In my own little neurotic way.
-Phone tag is weird. G', I think you've managed to call everytime in the past 2 days I haven't been home. We'll figure it out.
-If I owe you e-mail, it will be along sometime soonish. I think. I just feel drained tonight. & I want to play some chess.net, which I've delved back into with alarming vigor. I'm thinking of all of you, but I still just don't have much to say. We'll see.
18 July 2000
-She will never stop hurting me. Unless I learn to let things go. Which isn't going to happen, because I don't believe that it's right to let things go. I don't want to learn to let things go. & Stina was dead-on right, every time someone else hurts me, it's like she's hurting me all over again. 3 full years of dealing & it's just not going to stop. I need to get accustomed to that.
-Schneider keeps me going through the day. He just doesn't fail to amuse. Or to provoke thought. I hope he never changes, in most aspects.
-Saw "Boys Don't Cry" tonight - I have the same reaction you've probably heard from everyone else who's seen it... excellent but extremely disturbing. Definitely worth seeing, but an ordeal nonetheless.
-Migraines are nooooo fun...
-Wow. "Losing Streak" is a much better tape than I remembered it being. & very resonant right now. Neat. Though it didn't help my head, but then again, little would at this point.
-Thanks Kate. I don't expect you to have much to say... who would? I'm just glad you're there. & unfortunately, in this case, the good makes the bad even worse... just because there was good there, it makes it that much worse because the "good" was all predicated on bad. 'Twas all a delusion. Oh well.
-I regret EVERYTHING.
17 July 2000
-A whole day of disgruntled lethargy. Can I get a BLEH?
-What I need right now is just a little bit of pressure. Not too much, mind you, I'm not asking to be bowled over & hauled back behind the woodshed. & I'm already planning (with 80% support!) on sprinting back into a minefield, so not that kinda pressure either. Just the kinda paper-due pressure that gets me going & makes me sit down & do things. Or debate-tourney pressure. I miss that during the summer.
-Lock your briefcases. With padlocks. Preferably of impenetrable steel. Then, throw the briefcases away. & burn them. While stomping on them. You may not know this yet, but this is the best advice you can take. It will save you from what I never bother to save myself from. & after tonight, I'm just wishing that someone'd given me this lovely briefcase advice a couple years back.
16 July 2000
-Seeing Phil Lombana is always a trip.
-Sarah & Kyle (from PIRG) have the COOLEST cat in the world. It's obscenely fat, has the softest gray fur imaginable, & wants nothing more than human attention. I need to get a cat.
-The phrase "ill" has caught on & that needs to stop. ASAP. This is one annoying phrase I will never use.
-"Harold & Maude" on the big screen! Culawsum. I absolutely adore that movie. If it weren't for the pro-drugs element of the film's message, it'd be a serious contender with "Shawshank" for #1 of all-time. As is, it's way up there. & the Lobo was the perfect place to see it. What a fun night.
-After a long overnight of work, the tape's done & it's called "A Midsummer Night's Theme". I think it's a substantial improvement from "Losing Streak", though it feels like a continuation of it too. It could also be called "Shadowy Dusk Through Twighlight Trees Revisited", since the 2 tapes are rather parallel. No, I DON'T spend too much time on my mixes, thanks much!
-I give a damn. That's what I do. I should have business cards made up & become a professional damn-giver. Any time, Kate, any time.
-Plop plop goes the lethargy...
15 July 2000
-Braids out. It was freaky... my hair was so frizzled that I looked quite compellingly like Frank Zappa. Or at the very least like Nivey-Nive's former roomie who also looks like Zappa.
-Kate, didn't mean to scare you off! Nothing wrong with addictions... well, unless there is, like with harmful substance addictions. Nothing INHERENTLY wrong with addiction as a concept, put it that way.
-I didn't leave the house once yesterday, not even to step into the front or back yard. That's a little disorienting.
-My final analysis of that girl... selfish. & too focused on arbitrary goals that she doesn't even understand. So it goes. The chapter's rapidly closing.
-Don't be confused, Kate... you (along with Ariela, Stina, Brandzy, & probably several others) came to the exact same conclusion long ago, but I was bull-headed & obstinate about listening to all you guys. Whoops.
-The camping poll's gonna close soon, because if I don't hear some major reasons not to go, I'm outta here. ETA is 8 days from now.
-Something tells me it's rapidly approaching tape-time.
14 July 2000
-Jake LIVES! But what is this STRANGE BEAST called "spydog15"?!
-Camping is currently favored 2-1, & Stina has yet to weigh in. That'll almost assure it at 3-1. If you have a vote, time is running out! Actually, you've still got a while.
-Between us, Kate & I managed 38 updates yesterday. I'm not really sure what I have to say about that. It kinda speaks for itself. Some would argue, Kate, that one spends too much time online if one HAS a daily update page at all. But I wouldn't, of course.
-Who needs a job when there's POKER?!
-Must I really put photo-credits on the Pond of Peace pics? I took that pic in a subway in Beantown, G'. You gotta remember that. As you can probably tell by the pic, you were thrilled with me for taking it.
-Stina's in & the current count is 4-1 in favor of camping. Though upon preliminary introduction to the idea, my Mom was less than jazzed. But she'll come around. I'm beginning to believe that camping's actually a good idea on top of everything else!
-Begone, migraine! Please?
13 July 2000
-Fish is without question the most frustrating human being I know. I mean, the Flack Contest victory was one thing, but at this point, things have gotten absurd. Though we did get over one argument. If only I could find a way to make it less fun for him to put me through hell.
-Roadtrip for this summer looking less likely. Fish also doesn't support camping. Though I suspect part of that might be just him trying to duck the blame after last time he advised me on such matters. I think I'm only kidding about that. Either way, he did offer the best advice yet when he said that I should leave myself a way of backing out of the journey up until a day or so before. I'd already been planning on that, but it's good to hear someone back that up. As far as the poll's concerned, it's tied 1-1 (hint: no one's responding!), but I think I can assume at least one more vote in favor.
-"Unemployed Boyfriend" is the first song I've felt compelled to put on track-repeat in a LONG while. Songs like that make people like me unreasonable. "This is gonna sound a little bit out there, this is gonna sound a little insane..."
-If I go, Kate's countdown works for me too. Sick timing.
-Updated again. Click the "back" button in your browser to return to the Pond & see the new pictures, new links, & new commentary littered about the 'page. Yes, this is why I haven't e-mailed you yet, if you're awaiting it. That & the fact that I really have VERY little to say right now. I mean, I'd probably bore you with an e-mail anyway. So don't take it personally, I'm collecting data for a future correspondence. Besides, most of the interesting stuff winds its way here, anyway, plus a fair chunk of the non-interesting. One caveat on all this... Jake, where ARE you? If you don't e-mail me soon, I really will get worried about your boss...
-Dave Silverman e-mailed me. How random is THAT?
-I have said from the beginning... if you don't like your picture in the Pond, send me another you like better & I'll put that one up instead. This applies to everyone.
-From a myriad of sources, some respected & others dubious, the issue of happiness vs. [other goals] in life seems to keep springing up. Which reminds me to inquire yet again what everyone thinks is so great about happiness. I mean, it's decent from time to time, if it's really sincere & authentic & non-delusional & non-drug-induced (we're probably down to about 5% of the time people think they're happy by now), but even then, it has never struck me as a semi-worthwhile paramount goal. It's a bonus. Far more important to me has always seemed living a moral life & doing what's RIGHT. No matter how much that hurts or saddens. After that, learning seems like a solid #2... leaps & bounds above happiness in any case. After that, being honest & authentic strikes me as somewhere around #3... sincerity of will & action & all that groovy jazz. Before I make a full list, I'll stop, but you get the idea - whoever thought that societies ought be designed to maximize pleasure & minimize pain was definitely a hedonistic moron.
-I had a dream last night about Freez working at McDonald's. I'd actually forgotten about this till Freez called me, back from a week in Balt'mer, this afternoon. Crazy. If you're not rolling around on the floor from the very thought of Freez asking if you'd like fries with that, you seriously have no sense of humor (or you don't know Freez).
-The world has seriously spun off its axis. Not only has Jose Lima won a 2nd game this season, to build a 2-13 record, but Kate is claiming to be more of a romantic than I am! What the heck? Too bizarre for me. Maybe she's just trying to shock me into going camping without question. & yes, dear, you ARE that imposing... or something.
-Never ask Tarot cards yes-or-no questions. They'll inevitably say "maybe".
12 July 2000
-I love you, Kate. My friends save me every time.
-Everclear actually does seem to be "Learning How to Smile", which makes me wonder. A lot of the songs dwell too much on marriage & what happens after that marker for me to relate directly, but there's still some resonance. Maybe, like the new MB20, it just needs time to grow on me. "Unemployed Boyfriend" & the cover of "Brown Eyed Girl" are current favorites.
-"Blood On the Tracks" needs no time to grow on me.
-Kate's convinced I should go camping. I'm starting to lean that way, but I still think I'll take a poll... what do YOU think?
-I need a WWKD? necklace. How screwy is this role-reversal?
-I'd give anyone else advice contrary to what I've been doing - how do I think I can keep getting away with making myself the exception to everything?
11 July 2000
-ARRRRRGH! I am rapidly coming to realize just how much obfuscation & obsession with ridiculous false privacy & unnecessary hiding there is in this sometimes seemingly god-forsaken world! It's purified insanity. People just aren't upfront with other people, 99 times out of 99 & a half. They don't even try, they often don't even see the point. Which frustrates me more than I can even fathom, even now at the height of my frustration with this whole gambit. Worse still, it seems to extend into every facet of people I care deeply about - the most important people in my life still seem obsessed with hiding & withholding. It's not just any one person either... there's been a catalyst, but it just keeps coming up with so many folks, it breaks my heart. I know I'm more open than most people, but I wish some others could try to be a bit more upfront once in a while. I just have this feeling that I'm transperant in a world full of steel people. So mind-numbingly aggravating.
-I'm just beginning to really come to terms with my anger. I guess a lot of people are right & I am really a very angry person in many ways. But as Charles & Stina ended up concurring the other night at the GC (somewhat against Charles' initial intentions), it's anger borne of compassion, care, & love. When one cares about people & the world & truth, & those things end up getting wronged repeatedly, anger is one of the primary recourses. & I refuse to believe that its limited potential for destruction (counterbalanced by its massive potential for good as well) is enough to make it inherently wrong or even problematic. But it's difficult to grapple with & methinks I've spent too much time just trying to deny that I'm angry at all. All this coming a few days (I think) before Everclear releases their new album is amusing to me... one of my main outlets is expanding. I think Miss DiFranco put it best when she said "& if you're not angry, then you're just stupid - you don't care". A bit harsh, but cuts right to the quick... we've been handed idealism combined with an untennable situation... if that doesn't get us upset a fair amount of the time, then we aren't really even trying.
-After much deliberation, I think I'm bringing Mesco back to the webpage. I really don't care what anyone has to say about this. Expect a picture & 'page link soon... by the way, G', I NEVER said that on the Top Ten list... you must've misread something (which is not surprising given the communication during that era, no?). Put it this way... the world is too full of crap to allow us to throw away friends instead of give second or even third chances.
-As you can see, I'm not in the best state of my life right now. Serves me right for talking about 52-week highs. BUT, to my great joy, both Lisha & Kate (links above) seem to be reporting burgeoning happiness & excitement... just what was needed in both cases. So if nothing else, I'm very happy for them! If we can't be happy for ourselves, that's why we have friends, I say.
-A few days back, I made what was either the first rational decision in one aspect of my life, or by far the most irrational. Either way, it was highly uncharacteristic & I'm starting to question it greatly. This questioning may lead to a reversal of the decision. Namibia is a long way away, but I did write a parody song about it a few years ago. I am utterly psychotic.
-The universe laughs at me. Ha. Who am I to blow against the wind?
-That new Everclear album? Released TODAY. I'm on my way to Hastings right now...
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.