Hazel's Decision
(8-17 November 2000)

17 November 2000
-Tonight, at poker night, I had 2 royal flushes throughout the evening.  They both lost.  They both lost, in fact, to Greg.  Someone go calculate the odds of that if you please.  I, for one, was not pleased.
-Sometimes, people invoke quotes that are innately antithetical to their nature.  This amuses me greatly.
-More people need to wear overalls more of the time.  That's my little sidenote.  But really.
-Tournament today!  Ay!  Me gusta!
-Holy crud on a bagel.  What is WITH that name?!  The girl I last dated, the girl John is currently dating, & the girl Jake might soon be dating all have THE SAME NAME!  As Jaque put it tonight, "yeah, actually this IS the [same] girl.  She's got lots of frequent flyer miles."  Unreal.

16 November 2000
-I swear this world is just bound to implode... How could it carry this heavy a load?
-I think there might be something subconsciously addictive about nightmares.  It wouldn't make any sense whatsoever, but most things people do against their own interests doesn't make much sense.  Maybe the mind just gets hooked.  Maybe I'm just looking for anything I can to explain things.

15 November 2000
-Sometimes, she just doesn't know what to say.  & I hate to tell her that.  It's so much easier if she just recognizes it herself.  Sometimes, I guess she half-sees it.  But I think it's a matter of pride for her to ever say "right now, I can't help".  & it's a matter of my own stubborness to never say to anyone "you can't help" quite so succinctly.  So the weirdness ensues.
-Hopefully, today will be a respite from the anger that's been welling all around.
-&, to top it all off, would you like some stillborn hope with that?!  Out--standing.
-99 teams - just 1 more, baby; just 1 more...
-Russ is one person who can bring up my spirits most of the time.  Of course, when we're talking about the fact that the only time every vote counts is when we can't count every vote, it's hard not to have a pretty good time.  Self-defeating democracy is so funny!

14 November 2000
-There's so much hate in the world.  So much.  I hate it.
-When I wrote the above, I'd done no "outside reading" for the night.  Just had some rough experiences this evening.  Then I caught up with my reading & only found confirmation.  Nice to know the wavelength - in that not-so-nice sorta way.  At least one person I know is having an okay time of it.  There's so much I'd change if I could & I think it'd all start within the emotions of other people.  Or maybe just the memories.  Because that's where we really hurt.
-Sick.  So sick.  This universe is just one big sick ironic mess.  I can't stand it.  I mean, I can, because I have, & I have somehow persevered.  But it ain't getting any easier.  & I appreciate Brandzy's efforts, but now he might just understand more.  He might just be starting to get his mind & emotions around it.  I really think we're two halves of the same perspective, just with 2 major experiences going differently for me than him.  But good God.  If only I can escape the burdens of the 2nd experience somehow, someday, somewhere.  If only for a brief period of time.  But no, it'd have to last forever.  Or otherwise it'd be reaffirmation (or I suppose redeaffirmation) rather than escape.  Crudbuckets.  When my experiences can make Brandzy feel lonely, it's hard to have much hope.
-I think my mind has some variation of Turets Syndrome.  Whenever I find a bad thought, it just perpetuates itself till I go outta my mind.

13 November 2000
-I'm telling you, God might just bring the wrath if you fail to salt your corn!
-What are we all missing?  This void has gotta get filled.

12 November 2000
-Slashed tires.  How 'bout that?
-This has GOT to stop.
-Frequently, these days, I am convinced that my heart is not as large as it needs to be.  I'm stretched to capacity & trying to fill more.  Does it burst, or just have imminent elasticity?  That seems like something in need of figuring out.  Or at least in need of backup, if you catch my drift.
-There are many in my life circa now that I could not be much happier with.  That's a feeling that rocks my world.

11 November 2000
[from New York City]
-So much for Ariela &/or Gris.  But half that's probably my fault.  Thanksgiving, baby, Thanksgiving.
-Michelle's really cool.  Our novii are really cool.  This whole thing is looking pretty cool.
-Nobody understands my energy.  Sometimes, not even me.
-I hate Princeton, I hate Princeton (sing it with me now...)...

10 November 2000
-It's quarter to three in the morning.  I'm ridiculously tired, have a large headache, & really wouldn't mind being in bed for a while.  Unfortunately, I have ridiculous amounts of very important e-mail to write.  I also have to be on a bus to New York at 8.  This means being packed by then, among other things.  At least my problem set got bumped back (again) & I got to hang with G-funk.  That's about a wrap on everything.  I'm busy-ish.  But maybe I just feel unnecessarily hassled.  Maybe it's the not knowing.  About a lot of things.  The future, the people, the way things boil down in the end.  Because boil they do, but not until the water gets warm.  & right now the only water I'm seein' is mildly chilled & falling from the sky.  On that note, it's time for brief respite before bringing it all together one more time.

9 November 2000
-C'mon, people, it's not THAT surprising!
-So much doubt.
-These Wednesday nights are coolness incarnate.  Really.  It's like time just stops for a while & it's, well, about time.  I guess they're all really Thursday mornings.
-Leave it to our leadership.  This crazy team.  Oh wait, I forgot, I AM the leadership on this crazy team.  Ay!  I guess that means some busses to the Bronx, eh?  Anyone know where Fordham is relative to the NYC subway system?  This could be useful info...
-Apparently, we wait 4-6 weeks for delivery on shipments of new Presidents.

8 November 2000
-Wow.  Apparently, I was a bit hasty.  After spending all night (through 7 am) with the Student Senate kids (Brandzy, Josh, Rabin-Havt, etc.), I am left with an utterly surreal feeling.  Politics have ceased to function as normal in this nation.  The idea of the vote really is counting.  Unreal.  I am relieved, but I find it all quite a bit dubious.  & I maintain that Bush is going to win, despite my hopes to the contrary.  At the same time, Gore would still make a lousy President.
-Exhaustion.  But crazy news around the corner...
-Believe it or no, in the wake of all this democracy, I've launched my own little candidacy for Senate (of the Brandeis community).  You can read all about it.  I'm actually quite serious about this, even though the methodology may be a little experimental.  If we're going to have democracy, it might as well be direct.
-Niver's reaction to the above fact was priceless.  Almost as good as Josh, Ben, & R-H's response last night.  Also of interest were Zirkin & Stina's phonecalls.  It's all so amusing.  Nonetheless, everyone appears to be very supportive, especially people who don't know me all that well.  It would seem that Alex Plusscar, for example, is ready to become my campaign manager...


Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)

Tell me this is not the end...*

*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.