The Road and the Common
(1-10 June 2000)
10 June
2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Okay, this is getting old.
Fast.
-No news is a big fat
stable pound of boredom. At least when things are less than
stellar, the sine curve is in
effect. This is just the imperceptible decline of what seems
like evenness. I get
the feeling that everything will change soon, turning itself on
its head & providing me with
all the excitement I can stomach. The waiting for that is
lethal, though. I feel
like I'm sitting on the beach, baking in the sun, awaiting the
tidal wave that could bring
me cool salvation or decimating force, but probably will carry
both in larger quantities than
I anticipate. In the words of Topper, "Bring
it!"...
-Looking over the above,
I know just how heartily I could be eating my words in the
forseeable future. But that's
what life is all about.
9 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Not so much better as the same. Yawn.
-Tomorrow is allegedly Move-In Day II. Raise your hand if you actually
believe that we have our act together to that extent. I didn't think so...
-HTML code reminds me of a lot of people in my life, both past & present.
If one doesn't say something EXACTLY right, to the letter & even the
extensive spacing of the letters amongst each other, everything screws up. &
then everything else will be on hold until the little code feels better about
its error, which it wouldn't think of IDENTIFYING for you... just leaves you
to guess at where the minute little problem may be. It's a mess of trial-&-error
guessing until one stumbles upon the actual flaw. Such expectations of
perfection are familiar. No offense to anyone, of course. But it
does seem to provide a nice little lesson for the day.
8 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Another exhaustive webpage update. If nothing
else, a bunch of tenses needed changing. After all, I'm now halfway through
college. If that doesn't make you shudder, little will.
-I need reasons to get up in the morning. Badly. From that, ALL
else will follow.
-Need something badly enough & one is almost guaranteed a day to understand
that it's difficult as all heck to get. In other words, this was one of
the most lethargic, drained days in recent memory. & that's saying
a fair amount. Yucko-stucco. Things better be better tomorrow.
7 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Always a relief to make it through that day. Twenty-one
down, who-knows-how-many to go.
-No... energy... to write e-mail... tonight... many things to do tomorrow (read:
later today).
-After a relatively thorough investigation, I've discovered that I also haven't
been to Nebraska. After discussing states with Nivey-Nive (who himself
is over 40), I realized that not having been to Iowa made it highly unlikely
that I'd have been to Nebraska. & I haven't. So that's 44 down,
6 left. At least now 2 of them border each other...
-Things that one anticipates to be easy so often are really tough, while that
which one expects to be difficult is remarkably easy. The solution to
this is to think that everything's going to be hard. Either that or just
not have any expectations of any type whatsoever.
6 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Happy Mortality Day.
-Yes, the above comment is twinged with tongue-in-cheekiness. But notable
days always seem to be preceeded with "Happy", even if the day in
question has no earthly reason to be happy, like Valentine's Day or Memorial
Day or Flag Day or Pearl Harbor Day. Okay, I guess it's been a while since
someone wished me a Happy Pearl Harbor Day, but you get the idea. Even
birthdays are starting to strike me as yardsticks of how much the time everyone
around me takes for granted is outpacing the time I feel. So, I guess
I really just mean to acknowledge the day without getting into trying to influence
your emotional state as well.
-Still haven't been to 4 Corners. But it was a great 500-mile roadtrip
in the most classic of senses... we were on the road for basically the entire
trip. There was no real achieved destination - after Santa Fe, it was
just checking out the roads of northwestern NM. Which was fun by all accounts,
though a bit heavy on some of Nivey-Nive's more dubious musical side. Conversation
was stellar though, if freaky at times. But good-freaky... more like "everything
is way too connected in this crazy planet" freaky.
-Fun experiment to try at home or with friends: listen to a long set of
Beatles songs (esPECially recommended is the 1962-66 compilation double-album)
& replace the word "love" wherever it appears with the word "shrimp".
Do so both mentally & while singing along. Good for hours of
enjoyment, for people of all ages. Though one does feel a little Forrest
Gumpy at the end, even through all the gut-busting laughter. Ranks SLIGHTly
below "fink means good bread" on the translational humor scale.
-Exit Nivey-Nive. That was certainly a fun diversion!
-I had a long convoluted dream about 'Deis last night, & it included this
somewhat memorable scene involving Ariela, who was immensely worried & flustered
in the dream. This morning, I got an e-mail from her... the first I've
heard from her since departing campus. So hm. I would probably have
written her later today with or without her contact. That's just how things
work.
-Retractions are sometimes unnecessary. Beware misinterpretation.
5 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Job search follow-ups can wait another day, right?
-How long IS the drive from here to 4 Corners? Why have I still never
been there?
4 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Respite.
-Someday, the Blazers will have a 15-point 4th quarter lead & decide NOT
to throw it away...
-Nivey-Nive!
3 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Cynical Diffidence 1, Faith in the Human Spirit
0.
-You know, the real tragedy is not being able to trust people, to have to assume
that people are all cons & tricksters & people out to do wrong, just because
one person is. To have to look other people in the eye, thinking that
they are just like the last & that I'm too "wise" to get burned
this time. I guess one only really gets burned in these things once &
the hurt lasts a long time. I wanted so desperately to do something right,
to be able to beat the odds in our society, to have faith where none was necessarily
justified. Like looking into the lion's mouth & not fearing. Instead,
I'm just a stupid kid. & I paid for it. But I'd pay triple the
amount to not have to go through the inevitable loss of faith that's swarming
all around me already. People who make it by preying off other people's
kindness are the worst, because they destroy kindness & confidence in every
direction. & we are left in the wake of the mushroom cloud of former
sympathies for others, wondering if it's all worth saving anyway. That's
just not something he has the right to do. But it's done. & I
did it every bit as much as he; perhaps more. No one to blame but myself
here. Absolutely no one. My only consolation right now is I'm learning
from it & it probably only ranks as the 2nd worst expenditure of that amount
of money in my life... would be 3rd if Gris & I had lost those CDs last summer.
& I can cling to the idea that he needed it more than I did. But
it probably went to drugs. So on top of everything else, I'm supporting
that too. I just feel like an unfathomably idiotic moron.
2 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Everybody, stop blaming yourself for everything.
For anything. I mean it. It's not your fault anyway. So
stop thinking it is. Only I have the right to do that. Really.
-Everclear's forthcoming album is called something to the effect of "Learning
to Smile". That may actually be the full name of the CD. They
better not have forsaken the cause, or I'll be about the only one left. Maybe
it's sarcastic. That'd be a surprise.
-Watching the National Spelling Bee on the TV took me straight back to the Geography
Bee... both the Oregon finals in '93, but especially the NM finals in '94. Damn
Labrador Current. But another memory of that year I will always hold is
coming up with Addis Ababa as the answer to some question that the questioner
clearly thought was impossible as he read it. The look of surprise on
his face is etched right up there with my disappointment at dropping the ball
on the ol' Lab Current. These competitions get over-built in one's mind
& they never ever go away. I wonder if I'll ever have a Debate Nats
like that...
-Ever feel like a ping-pong ball?
1 June 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Rounding the corner & heading for June... &...
oooh, that's not an auspicious start...
-Why am I so hungry these days? All the time, it's just a constant request
for food. Calm down, stomach! Seriously! Can't you be satisfied
with ANYthing I give you?
-Everything, everything makes so much sense. Too much sense. Nothing
like a late night out to realize how universal everyone's problems are &
how much more challenging some people's lives are. Wow. I don't
know which of these two realizations, or rather illustrations of well-imbedded
realizations, is stronger right now. Each is awe-inspiring. I think
Bobbie at the Waffle House is my new personal hero... or should that be heroine?
I don't know about that whole word-change-for-females thing, but either
way, she's one strong person & she has my respect.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers",
by SWClayton.