Nuthanger Farm
(22-31 May 2000)

31 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Bleh.  That's what I have to say about today.  Good days are often followed by lethargic ones.  It's like the day after Christmas or some other much-anticipated day.  It can be a let-down to know that not every day rides high on good positive energy.  But things are still well under-control, neatly sorted into the good column.  On the whole.
-Bye May.  You've been a totally schizo month.

30 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-A strange energy is welling up.  All over, right now.  This feels longer-term than most of these transient wavy surges in the universe.  Though everything of late has been more transient than it seems it should.  What will this June feel like?  Clearly, there's just no telling.  It's like standing on the edge of a precipice, but knowing one has an equal shot of falling up as down.
-Editing the format of this thing is a pain from off-campus.
-Memory is a curious curse.  All sorts of vivid scenes from the past seem to haunt me all the time, but most especially at odd times when I'm reminded of times that I was or thought I was truly happy.  The taste is bitter, now, but the memory of love will always have some level of positive encapsulation, if briefly, in looking back, even across years & years.  & maybe I'm putting together a few more of the pieces in the puzzle that will always leave the box the pieces came in at least half-empty.  Figments & fragments.  I wouldn't say we're on the verge of forgiveness, but every slice of understanding is something to cherish.  Lord, over three full years & still so much is vivid.  Ironic how the blinded vision still remains, almost as clearly as the insight which followed.
-Employment applications are a complete farce.
-Joan Osborne's "One of Us" came on the radio & I started down a quick line of thoughts leading me to the famed "Half-a-Man" speech of yesteryear.  I began to crack up.  I mean, convulsions, prompting the other cars on Coors Rd. to take more than a passing concern.  We've come a long way, Fishy.  A loooooong way, huh?  Even IF Jake & I, combined, might well BE "hot stuff".  I can't get over how funny this all now seems.
-My mind has been awash in bright moments from the past all day.  It keeps getting more expansive, too.  The most recent is "tripping" at the Exploratorium.  Most of this seems to be painted with a burnt sienna (or your other favorite Crayola off-brown tone) brush of faded photographic mental imagery... like pictures from the 1890's.  But still very vivid through that filter, & even more heartwarming somehow.  All things considered, this has been an excellent day.

29 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Bookstore.  Yeah, that could be cool.
-Mid-afternoon has always been the most worthless time of day.  Sometimes it even dips into late afternoon or early evening.  It's like a gaping black hole of lethargic demotivation sitting waiting to suck the life outta one's day.  But nightfall usually means revitalization, so it's all good.
-I don't know if I want to live on Princeton Street!  Yuck.  Maybe Gris is right though, & that's a poor reason for deciding where to move.  But still.  Of all the schools in the world, that's probably the one I least want to "represent".
-"Guy-gets-girl" is a popular theme for any film, no matter how straightforward it may be.  Notsomuch for life.  Sometimes.  I think I'm reaching a phase where I'm done generalizing about things & instead looking for learning.  Only summer really provides an earnest opportunity for learning.  It's school that really kills that investigative & curious spirit, driving it into a meld of meeting minimum standards.  I didn't used to feel this way, but for this summer, I see nothing wrong with this perspective.  I'll fall back on Mark Twain - "Never let schooling interfere with your education."

28 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-I hate it when people assume the worst about me.  It's nice if they recognize that was unfair later on, but people spend so much time expecting so little from the people around them.  & even that doesn't bother me too much - it's the actual assured feeling that the people around them are out to do wrong that really rips me in half.
-Getting through the moments when one wishes that one could just be "normal" with easy concerns & straightforward thoughts is a big priority.  Sometimes it can be a challenge.  Usually it's just a mild annoyance, like brushing aside gnats.  Those times when it's more than an annoyance are a pain.
-Waiting is no fun.

27 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-The adrenaline-rush of overcoming a migraine is incomparable.

26 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-How 'bout that?  I'm left devoid of things to say, lost in my lack of sureness.  Mostly not knowing what to believe.  But I guess we can rub one name off the list of full-out malicious betrayals.  I think.  I hope.  I don't know.  I really wish I did.
-Why is everyone so darn touchy?  I know I am too, but really.  There should be a statute of limitations.
-There were a zillion nights like this in Waltham this year when I wanted nothing more than to be able to drive to the Frontier & get my breakfast burrito with coffee.  Guess where I'm off to right now?
-My "Weekly Alibi Free Will Astrology" horoscope recommends that I spend the upcoming week behaving, in all facets, precisely like a cat.  I'm absolutely not sure if that's a good course of action.  But I was amused since it seems to reflect the way I've been for the PAST week.
-I have concluded, after massive deliberation, that I undoubtedly should NOT have gone to Chicago for the Model UN trip at the end of March.  Without question.  The more I realize about that time period, my reasons for feeling trepid, & the results which followed, I understand that my intuition should have been favored & not swept aside.  That trip was an extra-large mistake, perhaps the biggest of the millennium so far.  Wouldn't it be neat if that didn't ever get surpassed?
-I feel utterly schizo today.  I'm a walking inconsistency.

25 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Oh God.
-Yesterday stank mostly.  Today is shaping up to be better.
-I'm beginning to really believe that there is a fixed amount of good-feeling that my friends & I can tap into at any given time.  It's like those scientific theories of conservation of momentum or energy or whatever else they used to prattle on about.  Not that I buy those theories, but the principle applies effectively to the folks I know right now.  Because the full range is really represented & when I try to figure out how I should feel about how my friends are doing, I just get overwhelmed by the mix-up.  But it's time to invest in everybody else.  How much so precisely hangs in the balance.
-Santa Fe is eerily quiet at night.  Especially last night.
-There seem to be three CD's for this summer.  Even if one of them came out in '92 & another in '94.  I love buying used music, & it always makes me wonder who owned the disc before & why they felt compelled to part with it.  Kinda like giving someone a second chance.

24 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Always good hearing from people, through all sorts of means.  &, as is probably to be expected, they run the gamut of emotional states.  So glad that the Grand Canyon is yielding positive results, though.  I'm telling you, all anyone really needs is the West.  It is salvation.  If you think I'm exaggerating, there's a girl in 'Zona who could argue my point even better than I these days.
-Food goes in cycles.  I think I'm setting all-time records for food consumed these days.  Maybe I'll even gain some weight!
-Hm.  The new MB20 album feels like a near-miss.  But I've been more focused & tranquil of late, so the over-thinking frustration doesn't quite fit.  Hard for that to match my current state.  Of note is how often the word "weak" appears in the text of the lyrics.  It'll require several more listenings, to be sure.  It's no "This Desert Life", though, that's clear.
-Okay, so the album's growing on me, quite a bit. "It's been a mad season..."
-The Frontier really is the meeting grounds of all people.  The expected & most especially the unexpected.  I shoulda gone up & seen if that really was Jen Springer.  But I think it was.
-Our impressions of each other are always so interesting.  I don't think I'd ever expect that from Schneider, but Eliaii clearly would.  So hmph.
-What I need right now is people.  New people, old people, or just people.

23 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Alright, so I know I talked about this all being for the benefit of me consuming my words, letter by letter, in a year's time.  Scratch that.  Let's try 20 days' time, shall we?  Not my fault, but we all have a hand in the bad advice we give, right?  Must take responsibility for that along with lament at all the good advice squandered, I'm afraid.
-I will sit down & write e-mail tonight, I will sit down & write e-mail tonight, I will...
-After watching "Gladiator" tonight, I'm even more convinced that the United States is the Roman Empire waiting to happen.  Not an original concept, nothing new or unpredicted, but most people keep blinding themselves to it anyway.  & part of me really believes that such was the primary message of the film.  Though I'm very good at reading in stuff that isn't really there.  But either way, this society is on the verge of a media-induced self-delusional implosion.  Already in progress.  The only question is how readily it will manifest itself & whether the whole bag is worth saving or not.  How long can 270 million Americans tell themselves that we are the undefeatable, the unconquerable, the rulers of the known world with wisdom to burn?  Perhaps the charade can outlive Rome - we're probably better at believing our lies.  There I go saying "we" again... I guess I'm almost as bought-in as the rest of the crowd.
-The collective confidence of cockroaches is unrivaled by almost any sentiment in creation.
-Ick.  Sudden nervous apprehension.  Maybe I've eaten too much today & it's unsettling my stomach.  Oddly enough, it feels a little deeper than that.  Probably just restless.

22 May 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Trepid IS a word.  That'll have to compete with verve to replace dubious.
-Oh well.  So no B&B for me this summer after all.  I'll have to pursue some other line of work, which'll probably be good for me in the end anyway.  I'm not that interested in the legal profession anyway, just the good pay & less-than-challenging work.  But challenging work would likely be beneficial.  I'd better get on that pretty soon, huh?
-I feel so good about the world today.  Things are definitively looking up.


Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)

Tell me this is not the end...*

*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.