Sun and Shadow
(3-12 November 2001)
12 November 2001
[from Princeton, New Jersey]
-Things that needed to be said. Yup.
-I'm in no hurry to leave. Ever.
11 November 2001
[from Princeton, New Jersey]
-It's like a first date, but really not at all. But I did think "Monsters, Inc." was awfully cute.
10 November 2001
[from New York City]
-That's what I call quality housing.
-Fordham never changes. Especially in that one particular auditorium. It's been the site of 3 poorly judged losses in the last 2 years. It's not like the tourney's out to get us; it just never works out. Such goes the curse.
-So what if I'm crazy?
-Driving has gotten really surreal on the same old road between Brandeis & Mep House. I gotta wonder if the Kia gets bored with it. It's a lot like the stretch between WH or the Frontier & my house in 'Burque must have become... the same exact path on South St. & Bacon St. at all hours of the night. Ah well, at least then there's no Bostonians demonstrating their inability to drive.
-At Mesco's entry's advising (see link above), I checked out this personality test. Much of their analysis is just plain wrong, but the following seemed to have insight: "At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich...to be able to bury our heads in the sand...and let the rest of the world go by...but unfortunately you can't do just that...you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time...but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day!... Tomorrow is another day, and who knows... it could be 'today', (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life? Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage that you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself." This is certainly more pertinent in light of my mood most of this past week. & those are their elipses, not mine.
-Not sure I have time or inclination to sleep, with early morning departure, eagerness at seeing someone at Fordham, & the 3 Cokes from poker night in me. But perhaps I should nonetheless.
-IM is just subpar as communication. I've said it a million times, but it warrants saying again.
-Let's just see what Fordham has to offer this year. I'd really like to be optimistic, so I'll try.
8 November 2001
-2001 really has been an exceptionally fantastic year. Winning the North American debate championship, writing a novel, & falling in love could be considered more than a full college career. But it's just one year! Wow.
-The past is a tremendously expansive hair-shirt. Like a hair-body-suit. The book says we may be done with the past, but the past sure as hell ain't done with me. Not today, for sure.
-Lunch with Yael finally works out! About time.
7 November 2001
-I promised Drew & the entire debate team that I will dye my hair Brandeis blue if we win Worlds. This got Drew more motivated about winning Worlds with me. How does one get MORE motivated about winning Worlds? Maybe it's just me, but I think being able to call yourself World Debate Champion is about the most motivation there is.
-I really miss home today. More than usual.
-Maybe my Dad & Jake are right & I'm just ANGry sometimes. Okay, it's more my Dad that says I'm angry sometimes & Jake who echoes said sentiments about himself, but the same general gist is there. I think I just get in these patterns where I think about the past & the world & start wanting to put my fist through a wall. & it's not even anything that important. It's just the drearying feeling of any given weekday, that that weekday serves no purpose in life save to build onto others in a string of meaninglessness punctuated by reminders of why I'm putting up with this year at all. That will breed some anger, when mixed with over-thought. & I've got plenty of that right here. Woo. So I'm going to try to put a better face on it, & not overthink. Anyone buying this? I'm sure I'll be okay. Promise.
-As an added bonus, on my way to school this noon, a maroon sedan tried to merge with my car. So close to literally. All my late feelings of foreboding magnified greatly at the point at which I could see maroon inside my windshield. Somehow they saw me at the last second & veered away, but it was the closest to an actual traffic accident I've been since when Schneider & I met what he will forever call "the Eurotrash" on the Montano offramp in ABQ. That was more scary because of the time of night, but this was freaky because I'd just been minding my own business in my lane! I guess I'm being reminded of what I should be thankful for. Makes sense. But it didn't help the anger much, either.
6 November 2001
-Well, there's finally a major revival of use of the Archive. I must say it's a relief to be working hard at this project again. & realizing what a sizable audience this page really has. Hello, Audience! How are you today? I am just fine.
-Also from the land of updating web stuff, I somehow managed to mess up the Counter on the Pond again. How I keep managing to do this is beyond me, but I'm disgruntled with Ultimate Counter. Methinks I'll do something more basic when the Blue Pyramid move comes through.
-The dawn-to-noon sleep schedule really is a functional idea for me. I just need to have a job where that's realistic. I keep being attracted to the idea of being a columnist, but does anyone really make a living doing that? & how does one break in? I think I'll have to write something on the side at a podunk weekly newspaper for a long time & then catch the eye of larger & larger papers. It's like deja vu all over again, but without the assistance of Shelby Case. I wonder where he went anyway.
-The absence of proper vehicular transport's becoming a general theme of the next couple months.
5 November 2001
-Really, the only value classes have to me these days is providing half-focal time to ponder other stuff in my life. It's not really zoning so much as shifting mental perspective. It's kinda like those magic-eye posters for my mental planning. Otherwise, it's wasted time.
-All right, so don't take back EVERYthing I've ever said good about Ryan Hecker. Truth is, he confuses me. Like so many APDA people. They seem contradictory, like they do care about good things deep down, but I never can tell how much, or how sincerely. It's enigmatic. But even more enigmatic to me is how much these people care about my opinion. Don't get me wrong: I want my opinion to be cared about. But mostly my political opinion, or my social opinion. Frankly, my personal judgments really only matter to me & those I care about. Why do so many react so strongly to what I have to say here? It's just fleeting personal perceptions. I guess I can be flattered by how many people over the past year-plus have cared about my caring, but I still am unsure why. It's just me, for the love of the baby.
4 November 2001
-Need to stop having car-accident dreams.
-Lots of folks have complained at recent blatant neglect of this page. I don't know what to tell y'all. Don't blame Emily. She's wonderful & should not be faulted. I've just been thinking too slowly, I guess. Take today, for example. I didn't get anything done today. Today, I played video games with Russ & Greg & Drewbaca for approximately forever. & discovered that Greg & I own the same pajamas, because we were both lazy today. But ah well, what can I do? More frequency really is on the way...
3 November 2001
-After 9 days, letting go at all is mighty daunting.
-I really like Salomon Hall auditorium balcony. It's a great place to watch rounds. It's also the only thing I'm going to miss about tournaments at Brown.
Introspection, My Worst
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.