Sun and Shadow
(3-12 November 2001)
12 November 2001
[from
Princeton, New Jersey]
-Things that needed to be said.
Yup.
-I'm in no hurry to leave. Ever.
11 November 2001
[from
Princeton, New Jersey]
-It's like a first date, but really not at
all. But I did think "Monsters, Inc." was awfully
cute.
10 November 2001
[from
New York City]
-That's what I call quality
housing.
-Fordham never changes. Especially in that one
particular auditorium. It's been the site of 3 poorly
judged losses in the last 2 years. It's not like the
tourney's out to get us; it just never works out. Such goes
the curse.
-So what if I'm crazy?
9
November 2001
-Driving has gotten really surreal on the same
old road between Brandeis
& Mep House. I gotta wonder if the Kia gets bored with
it. It's a lot like the
stretch between WH or the Frontier & my house in 'Burque must
have become... the same exact
path on South St. & Bacon St. at all hours of the night.
Ah well, at least then there's
no Bostonians demonstrating their inability to drive.
-At
Mesco's entry's advising (see
link above), I checked out this personality test.
Much of their analysis is just plain wrong, but the
following seemed to have insight:
"At times all of us would like to be like the
ostrich...to be able to bury our heads
in the sand...and let the rest of the world go by...but
unfortunately you can't do just
that...you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet
would be most acceptable at
this time...but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems
of the day!... Tomorrow is
another day, and who knows... it could be 'today', (not tomorrow)
that could be the first day
of the rest of your life? Setback after setback has resulted
in considerable stress and
now you have got to the stage that you are continuously on your
guard, not only to protect
yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself."
This is certainly more
pertinent in light of my mood most of this past week. &
those are their elipses, not
mine.
-Not sure I have time or inclination to sleep, with early
morning departure, eagerness
at seeing someone at Fordham, & the 3 Cokes from poker night
in me. But perhaps I
should nonetheless.
-IM is just subpar as communication.
I've said it a million times,
but it warrants saying again.
-Let's just see what Fordham has
to offer this year. I'd really like to be optimistic, so I'll
try.
8 November 2001
-2001 really has been an exceptionally fantastic year.
Winning the North American debate championship, writing a novel,
& falling in love could be considered more than a full college career.
But it's just one year! Wow.
-The past is a tremendously
expansive hair-shirt. Like a hair-body-suit. The book says we
may be done with the past, but the past sure as hell ain't done with me.
Not today, for sure.
-Lunch with Yael finally works out!
About time.
7 November 2001
-I promised Drew & the entire debate team
that I will dye my hair
Brandeis blue if we win Worlds. This got Drew more motivated
about winning Worlds with me.
How does one get MORE motivated about winning Worlds?
Maybe it's just me, but I
think being able to call yourself World Debate Champion is about
the most motivation there
is.
-I really miss home today. More than usual.
-Maybe
my Dad & Jake are right
& I'm just ANGry sometimes. Okay, it's more my Dad that
says I'm angry sometimes &
Jake who echoes said sentiments about himself, but the same
general gist is there. I think
I just get in these patterns where I think about the past &
the world & start wanting to
put my fist through a wall. & it's not even anything
that important. It's just
the drearying feeling of any given weekday, that that weekday
serves no purpose in life save
to build onto others in a string of meaninglessness punctuated by
reminders of why I'm putting up
with this year at all. That will breed some anger, when
mixed with over-thought. &
I've got plenty of that right here. Woo. So I'm going
to try to put a better face on
it, & not overthink. Anyone buying this? I'm sure
I'll be okay. Promise.
-As an added bonus, on my way to
school this noon, a maroon sedan tried to merge with my car.
So close to literally. All my late feelings of
foreboding magnified greatly at the point at which I could see
maroon inside my windshield. Somehow they saw me at the last
second & veered away, but it was the closest to an actual
traffic accident I've been since when Schneider & I met what he
will forever call "the Eurotrash" on the Montano offramp
in ABQ. That was more scary because of the time of night, but
this was freaky because I'd just been minding my own business in my
lane! I guess I'm being reminded of what I should be thankful
for. Makes sense. But it didn't help the anger much,
either.
6 November 2001
-Well, there's finally a major revival of use of
the Archive. I must say it's a relief to be working hard at this
project again. & realizing what a sizable audience this page really
has. Hello, Audience! How are you today? I am just
fine.
-Also from the land of updating web stuff, I somehow managed to
mess up the Counter on the Pond
again. How I keep managing to do this is beyond me, but I'm
disgruntled with Ultimate Counter. Methinks I'll do
something more basic when the Blue Pyramid move comes through.
-The
dawn-to-noon sleep schedule really is a functional
idea for me. I just need to have a job where that's realistic.
I keep being attracted to the idea of being a
columnist, but does anyone really make a living doing that? &
how does one break in? I think I'll have to
write something on the side at a podunk weekly newspaper for a long time
& then catch the eye of larger & larger
papers. It's like deja vu all over again, but without the assistance
of Shelby Case. I wonder where he went
anyway.
-The absence of proper vehicular transport's becoming a general
theme of the next couple months.
5 November 2001
-Really, the only value classes have to me
these days is providing half-focal time to ponder other stuff
in my life. It's not really zoning so much as shifting
mental perspective. It's kinda like those magic-eye posters
for my mental planning. Otherwise, it's wasted time.
-All
right, so don't take back EVERYthing I've ever said good
about Ryan Hecker. Truth is, he confuses me. Like so
many APDA people. They seem contradictory, like they
do care about good things deep down, but I never can tell how
much, or how sincerely. It's enigmatic. But even
more enigmatic to me is how much these people care about my
opinion. Don't get me wrong: I want my opinion to be
cared about. But mostly my political opinion, or my social
opinion. Frankly, my personal judgments really only
matter to me & those I care about. Why do so many react
so strongly to what I have to say here? It's just
fleeting personal perceptions. I guess I can be flattered by
how many people over the past year-plus have cared about
my caring, but I still am unsure why. It's just me, for the
love of the baby.
4 November 2001
-Need to stop having car-accident
dreams.
-Lots of folks have complained at recent blatant
neglect
of this page. I don't know what to tell y'all. Don't
blame Emily. She's wonderful & should not be
faulted. I've just been thinking too slowly, I guess.
Take today, for example. I didn't get anything done
today. Today, I played video games with Russ & Greg
& Drewbaca for approximately forever. & discovered
that Greg & I own the same pajamas, because we were both lazy
today. But ah well, what can I do? More
frequency really is on the way...
3 November 2001
[from
Providence]
-NEWMAN!
-After 9 days, letting go at all
is mighty daunting.
-I really like Salomon Hall
auditorium balcony. It's a great place to watch rounds.
It's also the only thing I'm going to miss about
tournaments at Brown.
Introspection, My Worst
Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old
Frontiers",
by SWClayton.