The Sun is Burning
(4-13 September 2001)
13 September 2001
-They will read in the history books of a nation that ran blindly, flailingly, from pain into the creation of pain. As I said on this page on 27 April 2000: "All-time #1 source of pain in the world: attempts to avoid pain." But they will read of a nation that, head cut off like a barnyard chicken, bolted into a yard unknowing of what it sought or how it ran. They will read of a nation that, despite its directionless hatred, rallied & supported a war that made Vietnam look targeted, focused, & clean. They will read of a country torn apart, person by person, brick by brick, as the search for the elusive specter of vengeful destruction escaped their fleeting grasps. They will read of a country that through its spite rallied & supported, & where were the calls of protest, of question, of peace & hope? I do not rally. I do not support.
12 September 2001
-How can revenge be such a widely-held desire right now? How can the reaction of so many to losing loved ones be to make other people endure the same unfathomable suffering? To spread the hate, confusion, & pain? I wish I could understand my species. But I'm kind of consoled that I don't.
11 September 2001
-I have so much to say that I find I have nothing to say. I haven't been this depressed in ages, because I see so much waste, so much fear, so much potential further destruction atop the horrific destruction already incurred. Tell me there won't be a war. Tell me that people will learn to break the cycle of violence. Tell me that there will come a time when we realize that the only enemy we all share is violence itself.
10 September 2001
-Well well well. Turns out that one Jenny from my past has been keeping herself a weblog. I'm afraid that our friendship is far from good enough condition to put her on the heading portion of this page (amongst Lisha's & Mesco's current efforts), but I have been reading through her archive. & so I'll link it here. Of note is mostly really the 9 August entry, where I get a small little cameo. Though I do think our friendship has a shot at some repair. I never give up on much of anything.
-Laundry, ah sweet quarterless laundry. How I love having a washer/dryer so close. It is somewhat frustrating not to be able to do my entire owned clothing at once, but it's so worth it to have it free & 5 feet down the hall.
-How'd this life get to be so nutty?
-Also, I just thought I'd mention that I'm really tired of being one of two students closing at the Library during our preliminary shorter hours. Really really tired. The reserve desk becomes death on a stick from about 8:00 till 9:30, then I get to check all of Goldfarb. Four floors of checking the main library. What was funny though was that one kid kept coming back & asking for the same course materials (Anth128a), & the third time I had to ask her, I apologized for not remembering her course by then. She sarcastically asked me if I couldn't remember everyone & exactly what they wanted. I told her sincerely that on a normal night, I'd be fine doing that, but it was just too busy tonight with us being half-staffed. She thought I was crazy.
-Ariela & I are such VASTly different people! It's amazing that we're such close friends under the context. Mostly we just wonder how the other is so different, but it's not really a hindrance. Funny stuff.
9 September 2001
-I am newly re-fascinated by the idea of writing about the exact same story or sequence of events from a multitude of differing perspectives. I'm not sure I'm up to that much first-person writing & the plot I'm working on for novel #2 doesn't really lend itself to this, but it's still really interesting stuff. Not a new theme, for sure, but a relevant one all the time nevertheless.
-Freez fits pretty seamlessly into the Mep House. Especially during yesterday's video game barrage.
-This weekend is going to spoil me... I will just not have this much time in the coming weeks. Still, I'm looking forward to Columbia Novice & the bazillion tourneys thereafter.
8 September 2001
-Every roller coaster has an upside.
7 September 2001
-So, I'm just schizophrenic. That's all I have to say right now. I'm more wary than normal of putting stuff up here because it's all insanely oddly transient. Things just shift around with my mood, hour to hour, & I feel an instability uncharacteristic even to my sine-curvey lifestyle. It's low & high & all over & I just have lost my hold on prediction. So yeah. No concrete. Just choppy cobblestone.
-Bradford's friends were almost as much fun as John's commentary. Highlights include "You sweat bucket!" & "You're only 5/7ths of a man!". But I must thank the Freez fam for a great time.
6 September 2001
-I haven't heard from Jaque in so long that I feel compelled to start today's notes with some sort of comment that he'll find outrageous, since that's always a great way to get an e-mail from him. Something like "global warming doesn't exist". Shoot, I've used that already. How about "80,000!"? That one's gone by the boards as well. Dang a-rang-in, bee-boppin. Maybe I should just say (this too is true) that I don't utterly hate my Conservation Biology class yet, though I don't really like the weekly work either. But yeah, how about that?
-NEED to figure out a way to edit the 'Deis Debate page from off-campus...
-Is today Russ's birthday? I think so. If it is, then happy birthday Russ! Problem is, I haven't seen said roomie in over 2 days, so I just don't know. My schedule's a little nuts this year.
-Hey, at least it's not yesterday, right?!
5 September 2001
-All I'm going to say about today is this: The day is over. Thankfully. Okay, that's not all I'm going to say. I'm also going to say that the day was horrible, on many many levels. I will also say this: I really hope that, looking at days like today, I can see that this is part of a transient loneliness, that this will be as bad as it gets this year, as hard as it gets, as lonely as it gets. I wish I could tell you that, tell myself that, & somehow believe. But in the words of someone I would like to care about very much, "It's stupid to pretend."
4 September 2001
-I need a bit more sleep than I've been getting. Not that I need a lot of sleep, but I'm averaging about 2.5 hours per 24 of late & it's not late high school anymore. So I think I'm crashing this afternoon.
-My Playwriting class is so awesome & it makes me solidly regret even thinking about Theater History, though I guess it was good for me to fail a class. Nevertheless, the prof's great & we have all of 5 people in there & just about everyone seems fun. Neat.
-So much riding on tonight...
Introspection, My Worst
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.