News at Sunset
(22 April - 1 May 2000)
1
May 2000
-From
a conversation with Brandzy: I am living in "The Truman
Show".
For the unenlightened, I suggest you go see that movie. But,
basically,
my life is all a TV show, built for a consumer audience with the theme
of irony
& an attempt to boost ratings however possible. Whether the
society
watching is capitalistic or communistic is difficult to tell at this
point,
but the point is primarily to illustrate the ills of life in the world
of capitalism.
Whenever people arbitrarily leave my life, as they seem wont to
do, it's
just because their contract fell through. This also explains other
odd
arrangements. Now, if Brandzy disappears in the next week or so,
for telling
me this, I WILL believe that all of this is 100% true.
-I find it exceptionally fitting that "May Day" is a distress
call.
Does anybody enjoy the 4th & 5th months of the year?
-That all better not be directed at me. If it is, whose fault is
it that
it's in the past tense?
-Ways to minimize time spent at the library: I went up to the
reserve
desk, flipped through endless computer-print-out pages of book-codes,
&
end up finding the one book I'm looking for. I'm about to write it
down
when, looking at the scrap paper on which I'm about to write, I see the
code
I'm about to write already pencilled in. The sense of tranquility
I've
been feeling was immediately magnified. I feel imbedded in this
calm state
of inner peace, like people & life may rush on around & around,
but
I can just calmly spectate & do just fine. This is the last
thing
I expected to feel right now, but I'll take it. I am so ready to
leave.
30 April
2000
-On
the Atlanta-to-Boston leg of the flight back, I got bumped-up to first
class.
You see, I was flying back on a Delta buddypass, courtesy Jaque
&
his pops (thanks again, guys!)... anyway, I got bumped-up at the last
second
because someone in first-class failed to show & I was in the right
place
at the right time, apparently. So I siddled into seat 1A (imagine
that!)
& ended up next to some guy incoming from the Bahamas who'd lived in
Waltham
all his life (of all places...) & evidently bought his ticket about
8 hours
prior - I could only imagine it'd cost about $3k more than my estimated
$35
pricetag for that leg of the journey. After the whole gambit, with
tablecloth
dining & conversation with the snobbier regions of airline
travellers, I've
decided that we live in a Slave State. Not drawn along racial
lines anymore,
that would be far too conspicuously arbitrary. I swear there were
as many
stewardesses (yes, they were all female) for first-class as for the rest
of
the entire 757! An entire industry, or all industries, arguably,
are built
on "serving" the top millionth of the country's wealthy elite
&
we think it benefits us to get a minute fraction of their cash in
return. It's
hard to see it so clearly from places that aren't the top - & the
top has
come to expect it, so they're blinder than others, I guess. What a
sham.
I appreciated first-class, but I think I mostly ended up being
embarassed.
Though it took me a while to realize that, despite my long hair
&
"hippie" appearance, I didn't exactly have a sign around my
neck saying
"doesn't belong here". Which was almost bothersome, in
the end.
-Back in Beantown - time to get all nostalgic... You think I was doing
much
differently a year ago today? See if this excerpt, from an e-mail
dated
30 April 1999 can change your mind: "As this college year
draws to
a close, I am struck with the primary realization of exactly how little
I've
accomplished. Something about late April & early May drives one to
reflect
on the nine months leading up to that point, head in hands, looking
around at
the ruins of plans long gone." Pretty scary, huh?
Thinking
about it, I've discovered that last year wasn't universally terrible
either,
but steadily descended leading into April & May.
Crudbuckets.
-You know what I really want right now? I would love it if
someone, just
about anyone, came up to me, looked me squarely in the eyes, &
honestly
testified "I am NOT AFRAID to FEEL". That would make my
millennium,
or at the very least, my
day.
29 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-Apparently, I am extremely oblique.
I mean,
REALLY oblique. Here's a tip... if you read something on this page
&
think it might be about you, it probably is. Everything has a
purpose,
a reason, & it's always precise. I read all the time that
people are
upset when others think everything's about them. Guess what...
whoever
you are, this is all about You! Go with your instincts & you
probably
will be surprised what's between the lines...
-Let me clarify the above clarification. Obviously, this isn't all
about
ONE person - my comments are directed to a whole slew of you, which is
why I
feel comfortable saying that whoever you may be, it's probably about
you. For
example, yesterday's entries alone include direct or indirect references
to
14 (fourteen) distinct people. It would be just as invalid to
think it
was all about one person as to think it was all about none. I have
a feeling
I'm not making myself clear, but only even more unreachably oblique.
-Anyone wanna go to Boston tonight, write my papers, take my test, pack
up my
stuff, & say goodbye to the people I know back there, all
masquerading as
me? I'll make it worth your while...
-I am SICK of people talking about emotional "drama"!
Either
they're too scared to deal with life as a serious venture or they just
don't
care about things anymore & are looking for what seems like an
acceptable
excuse. Guess what - you're not fooling anyone.
-Leaving... on that midnight plane to Georgia... leaving on a midnight
plane...
woo woo... Something tells me Gladys Knight was more excited about
this
than I am.
28 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-What a beautiful night. Wind &
warmth &
everything that an evening should be. Even clouds rolling across the
crescent
moon, bathing it in yellow-brown. It feels like about 9 pm & it's
really
4:30 am.
-America is a tragedy. I used to discuss the "American
Tragedy"
as if it could be distinguished from other aspects of the country.
Nope.
-Moral Dilemma: If someone's falling off a roof, do you save them if
you
know they'll just turn around & try to push you off?
-Only interesting response to the Moral Dilemma (above) thus far?
From Jaque,
"sticky shoes". Methinks this might warrant an amendment to the
amended
Rules of Life. If approved, they would now read: (1) Don't be
dumb.
(2) Do what you hate the least. (3) Always wear a hat &
gloves.
(4) Always pack sticky shoes. Thank goodness those rules are
in order
of priority & that the early ones OVERRIDE the late ones when in
conflict.
-Let's Count Crows & Recover the Satellites, shall we?...
One: Drove up to Hillside Manor
sometime after
2 am & talked a little while about the year. I guess the winter
makes
you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things
you
could not show her... I can't remember all the times I tried to tell
myself to
hold on to these moments as they pass.
Two: I wanna be the light that just
burns
out your eyes, 'cause I know there's little things about me that would
sing in
the silence of so much rejection in every connection I make... I wanna be
the
last thing you hear when you're falling asleep.
Three: I hope that everybody can find
a little
flame. Me, I say my prayers, then I just light myself on fire &
walk
out on the wire once again... I just wanted to say goodnight.
Four: Well I guess you left me with
some feathers
in my hand. Did it make it any easier to just leave me where I
stand?
Five: Well I'm all messed up, that's
nothing
new... Just get the world off your shoulders & close your pretty blue
eyes.
Hey, what's life without an occasional surprise?... Hey, where you
been?
This lonely spiral I been in... Hey, where you been?
Six: Yeah, you got a piece of me, but
it's
just a little piece of me... These days I feel like I'm fading away...
Could you
tell me one thing you remember about me & have you seen me lately?
Seven: She said everybody loves you,
she said
everybody cares. But all the things I keep inside myself, they
vanish in
the air... Daylight fading, come & waste another year.
Eight: She is trapped inside a month
of grey.
& they take a little everyday... In the absence of a place to be,
she
stands there looking back at me, hesitates, & then turns away.
She'll
change so suddenly, she's just like mercury, yeah, but she's all right
with me...
Keep some sorrow in your hearts & minds for the things that die before
their
time.
27 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-I don't want to go back to Massachusetts.
I
mean, I REALLY don't wanna go back. & I really have to - packing
up &
that test alone are enough to make going back unavoidable. But God,
I'd
do almost anything to find a way out of that. I feel like I'll lose
all
the gains I've made the past week just by seeing campus again.
Someday,
I'll be really happy at college, I hope. Tonight, I'm pretty certain
I'm
0 for 2 years.
-All-time #1 source of pain in the world: attempts to avoid pain.
All-time
#2 source of pain in the world: lack of
awareness.
26 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-Yesterday wasn't bad for a Tuesday. I
really
felt okay at times, even good about things. Mostly drawing
satisfaction
from realizing that I was getting through everything just fine - that I'd
dodged
another bullet & was busy coming away from it okay. In the words
of Blues
Traveler, "It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop &
there
ain't a whole lot that you can do." Sure it might be nice to be
satisfied
by things a little less adversarial, but when others choose that course, I
have
to react accordingly.
-Just wasn't meant to write tonight. When I say "tonight",
I mean
what most of you might call "this morning", considering that I'm
talking
about 1-4 in the morning on this very day. I really wanted to write
something
about the half-moon & the concept of asymptotes, considering that I
kept driving
towards it & it kept feeling further from me, like the end of a rainbow
or
something. Maybe it'll have to develop over time. After
writing "Choking
Mist Absent Melody" last night, I feel like writing something a
little more
presentable. & nobody responded to that one anyway! Oh
well...
I guess it was just worrisome. I don't feel worrisome. I feel
that
I'm about to get extremely restless.
-Really lonely right now. Stable. But lonely. Not hard
to see
why.
25 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-Now THAT'S what I call irony.
Seriously. That's
just funny.
-Ever feel like you're hanging out in ancient burial grounds? Like
all the
people around you are very noble, very wise, & very dead? Oh
sure, they'll
flit about as if they were alive & talk to you & give every
appearance of
normalcy. But when it really comes down to it, it's back to the
burial grounds
for them... much easier to spend time underground, really. I wonder
if there's
anything really secretly enjoyable buried down there with all those
people. Not
worth checking out, though. Even if I end up alone above ground.
Maybe
I'm sinking without even realizing it.
-Gris, you once described this page here as "cryptic", didn't
you? Now
what could POSSIBLY give you that idea?!?
-It really is a bowl of stars. I'm surprised that people in the
deserts
of New Mexico didn't realize a lot earlier that the Earth is spherical.
Perhaps
they did, but just kept it a secret from the rest of the world, or it's
something
they knew long ago but never got credit for realizing. It seems that
nights
are never dark, though, unless they're cloudy. Things one doesn't
realize
until one gets far enough away.
-I have GOT to start sleeping less. At least I knew everyone in the
dreams
& they behaved the way they would in real life. Which at this
point,
isn't necessarily as specific a behavior pattern as it might
seem.
24 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying the
sine-curve
roller coaster life is out the window. I don't even think I'd want
that.
I still feel every bit as much as before, with all accompanying
extremes.
It's just that it's all tempered with tranquility & an underlying
relief
at the Benevolence in the universe, coupled with the sympathetic Sorrow at
the
human tragedy & constant waste that people put themselves through.
If
I ditched the feeling, I'd slide right back into 1999. I am NOT
interested
in doing that again.
-Still very lethargic. But getting back in the swing, methinks.
Slowly.
-I've gotta spend less time working on this "Zimmy & Friends"
Fantasy
Baseball League. It's way too easy to spend hours on it & it
really doesn't
mean anything. A fun diversion, I suppose, like any computer game or
timewasting
exercise. & I guess right now, I can afford such things.
All part
of rebuilding, & giving myself ample time to think. After Easter
morning,
I guess that isn't so destructive as it might normally seem.
-His reflection turned to face him again as he was about to leave the
mirror.
& winked. Whether it was of understanding or something
else, he
could not be sure.
23 April 2000
[from
Albuquerque]
-He looked in the mirror just in time to see
his
reflection turn away from him.
-My Mom can be really reassuring sometimes. I just wish I could be
satisfied
with the right answers. Because I know that a lot of what everyone's
telling
me is correct, but it's so darn hard to see how to make it make any
difference
to me at all. I think I've just started from a poor set of hopes -
putting
too much of my ideal in having someone understand me or being in some sort
of
mutually-beneficial romantic setting. I know that I am someone who
needs
that. But I seem to be finding out that I'm someone who will not get
that.
In an instance like that, what is supposed to give? More
questions,
fewer answers.
-I almost cracked up when, directly after my Mom said "just try to
LIGHTEN-UP",
the computer monitor switched off. I'm talking IMMEDIATELY
after.
-Rebirth? That's what Easter's supposed to be about, right?
How come
the only thing I can think of is Matteo Marquez in AP Euro History, when
his only
response on that homework sheet was "Renaissance=rebirth"?
Schneider
knows what I'm talking about. I'm not a Christian anymore anyway,
& this
is probably a good part of why. Oddly enough, I'm not seeing the
value of
sacrifice like I used to. Or maybe I'm just not seeing the value of
this
pain-in-the-bottom-of-the-gut-like-a-terminal-velocity-falling-elevator-in-an-infinite-shaft
feeling.
-Tonight, in the last few hours, I recovered. Okay, that might be a
bit
of an exaggeration. But not much of one at this point, as far as I
can see
things. I went up to Santa Fe at about 2 in the morning & just
got back
now (it's 6:30 am). I drove up I-25, went to the La Fonda, drove
down the
Turquoise Trail, went up to Sandia Crest (the peak), & then returned
home.
The night driving, the music, the symbols present everywhere, the
feeling
that I was tapping into God the entire night, made it all one of the most
memorable
nights of my life thus far. I've come to so many realizations, so
many beginnings
of answers, that I barely feel fit to go on with life without collapsing
beneath
the weight of my gratitude. What a complete 180 from just prior to
going
on that trip! I wish I could describe all this better, but I'm
barely realizing
it myself. A few things are clear, however - some messages came
through
loudly & unabashedly. The night was filled, in totality, with
Benevolence
& Sorrow. These are dual frameworks of God that I've often
recognized,
but seldom experienced so profoundly. From this, especially the
former quality,
it has become clear that in this universe, there is NOTHING TO FEAR.
Nothing.
This does not make fearlessness easy, or even positively attainable.
However,
one should always have in the back of one's mind that fear is at best
unnecessary.
Finally, one cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, nor
help
someone who refuses to be helped. None of these realizations are
wholly
original, I understand, not even in my own belief patterns. Which is
part
of what reaffirms them for me, to be honest. That & the utterly
transcendant
nature of this entire night. You may think me crazy, but I've rarely
been
so sincere... I would argue that few people ever feel this sincere.
If I
could keep this feeling forever, life would be, as I joked about long ago,
a "cool
breeze". As is, if I can apply this to even some facets of my
existence,
things are really going to improve. In many ways, I am & always
will
be an open wound of a person, allowing others to do what they will with my
trust
& hope & attempts at compassion. The sooner I stop resisting
that,
even though it hurts & keeps hurting, the sooner everything will make a
lot
more sense. Things may have seemed contradictory just prior to this,
but
right now, so much is seeming so clear. Thank you
God.
22 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-I wish my Dad knew how much I appreciate him.
-Sacrifice is the theme for the time-being & perhaps for the whole week.
It's more than just Good Friday stuff, too. Everything seems to
be pointing directly at me having to be willing to make my own interests subservient
to everyone else's. Ironically enough, even some of the suggestions I've
gotten that are "in my favor" still lead me to believe in sacrificing
some or part of what I believe &/or who I am in favor of nebulous ideals
of I don't even know what anymore. So much of saving people is becoming
an exercise in trodding on myself. I wish I could feel better about that.
-Most of tonight, I've just felt like I've taken a machete to my gut & am
watching my entrails trail around the floor. That's obscenely grotesque
imagery, I just realize, but it still rings true somehow. It's like Adam
Duritz's description of Henderson the Rain King as someone who just bleeds over
everything. This would all be so much easier if I didn't feel. Sometimes
I wish I could just shut things down, just temporarily, so I could get a grip.
But that's not possible, nor would it be valid if it were.
-Right now, I am NOT making progress.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers",
by SWClayton.