News at Sunset
(22 April - 1 May 2000)

1 May 2000
-From a conversation with Brandzy:  I am living in "The Truman Show".  For the unenlightened, I suggest you go see that movie.  But, basically, my life is all a TV show, built for a consumer audience with the theme of irony & an attempt to boost ratings however possible.  Whether the society watching is capitalistic or communistic is difficult to tell at this point, but the point is primarily to illustrate the ills of life in the world of capitalism.  Whenever people arbitrarily leave my life, as they seem wont to do, it's just because their contract fell through.  This also explains other odd arrangements.  Now, if Brandzy disappears in the next week or so, for telling me this, I WILL believe that all of this is 100% true.
-I find it exceptionally fitting that "May Day" is a distress call.  Does anybody enjoy the 4th & 5th months of the year?
-That all better not be directed at me.  If it is, whose fault is it that it's in the past tense?
-Ways to minimize time spent at the library:  I went up to the reserve desk, flipped through endless computer-print-out pages of book-codes, & end up finding the one book I'm looking for.  I'm about to write it down when, looking at the scrap paper on which I'm about to write, I see the code I'm about to write already pencilled in.  The sense of tranquility I've been feeling was immediately magnified.  I feel imbedded in this calm state of inner peace, like people & life may rush on around & around, but I can just calmly spectate & do just fine.  This is the last thing I expected to feel right now, but I'll take it.  I am so ready to leave.

30 April 2000
-On the Atlanta-to-Boston leg of the flight back, I got bumped-up to first class.  You see, I was flying back on a Delta buddypass, courtesy Jaque & his pops (thanks again, guys!)... anyway, I got bumped-up at the last second because someone in first-class failed to show & I was in the right place at the right time, apparently.  So I siddled into seat 1A (imagine that!) & ended up next to some guy incoming from the Bahamas who'd lived in Waltham all his life (of all places...) & evidently bought his ticket about 8 hours prior - I could only imagine it'd cost about $3k more than my estimated $35 pricetag for that leg of the journey.  After the whole gambit, with tablecloth dining & conversation with the snobbier regions of airline travellers, I've decided that we live in a Slave State.  Not drawn along racial lines anymore, that would be far too conspicuously arbitrary.  I swear there were as many stewardesses (yes, they were all female) for first-class as for the rest of the entire 757!  An entire industry, or all industries, arguably, are built on "serving" the top millionth of the country's wealthy elite & we think it benefits us to get a minute fraction of their cash in return.  It's hard to see it so clearly from places that aren't the top - & the top has come to expect it, so they're blinder than others, I guess.  What a sham.  I appreciated first-class, but I think I mostly ended up being embarassed.  Though it took me a while to realize that, despite my long hair & "hippie" appearance, I didn't exactly have a sign around my neck saying "doesn't belong here".  Which was almost bothersome, in the end.
-Back in Beantown - time to get all nostalgic... You think I was doing much differently a year ago today?  See if this excerpt, from an e-mail dated 30 April 1999 can change your mind:  "As this college year draws to a close, I am struck with the primary realization of exactly how little I've accomplished.  Something about late April & early May drives one to reflect on the nine months leading up to that point, head in hands, looking around at the ruins of plans long gone."  Pretty scary, huh?  Thinking about it, I've discovered that last year wasn't universally terrible either, but steadily descended leading into April & May.  Crudbuckets.
-You know what I really want right now?  I would love it if someone, just about anyone, came up to me, looked me squarely in the eyes, & honestly testified "I am NOT AFRAID to FEEL".  That would make my millennium, or at the very least, my day.

29 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Apparently, I am extremely oblique.  I mean, REALLY oblique.  Here's a tip... if you read something on this page & think it might be about you, it probably is.  Everything has a purpose, a reason, & it's always precise.  I read all the time that people are upset when others think everything's about them.  Guess what... whoever you are, this is all about You!  Go with your instincts & you probably will be surprised what's between the lines...
-Let me clarify the above clarification.  Obviously, this isn't all about ONE person - my comments are directed to a whole slew of you, which is why I feel comfortable saying that whoever you may be, it's probably about you.  For example, yesterday's entries alone include direct or indirect references to 14 (fourteen) distinct people.  It would be just as invalid to think it was all about one person as to think it was all about none.  I have a feeling I'm not making myself clear, but only even more unreachably oblique.
-Anyone wanna go to Boston tonight, write my papers, take my test, pack up my stuff, & say goodbye to the people I know back there, all masquerading as me?  I'll make it worth your while...
-I am SICK of people talking about emotional "drama"!  Either they're too scared to deal with life as a serious venture or they just don't care about things anymore & are looking for what seems like an acceptable excuse.  Guess what - you're not fooling anyone.
-Leaving... on that midnight plane to Georgia... leaving on a midnight plane... woo woo...  Something tells me Gladys Knight was more excited about this than I am.

28 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-What a beautiful night.  Wind & warmth & everything that an evening should be.  Even clouds rolling across the crescent moon, bathing it in yellow-brown.  It feels like about 9 pm & it's really 4:30 am.
-America is a tragedy.  I used to discuss the "American Tragedy" as if it could be distinguished from other aspects of the country.   Nope.
-Moral Dilemma:  If someone's falling off a roof, do you save them if you know they'll just turn around & try to push you off?
-Only interesting response to the Moral Dilemma (above) thus far?  From Jaque, "sticky shoes".  Methinks this might warrant an amendment to the amended Rules of Life.  If approved, they would now read:  (1) Don't be dumb.  (2) Do what you hate the least.  (3) Always wear a hat & gloves.  (4) Always pack sticky shoes.  Thank goodness those rules are in order of priority & that the early ones OVERRIDE the late ones when in conflict.
-Let's Count Crows & Recover the Satellites, shall we?...
      One:  Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 am & talked a little while about the year.  I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her... I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.
      Two:  I wanna be the light that just burns out your eyes, 'cause I know there's little things about me that would sing in the silence of so much rejection in every connection I make... I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep.
      Three:  I hope that everybody can find a little flame.  Me, I say my prayers, then I just light myself on fire & walk out on the wire once again... I just wanted to say goodnight.
      Four:  Well I guess you left me with some feathers in my hand.  Did it make it any easier to just leave me where I stand?
      Five:  Well I'm all messed up, that's nothing new... Just get the world off your shoulders & close your pretty blue eyes.  Hey, what's life without an occasional surprise?... Hey, where you been?  This lonely spiral I been in... Hey, where you been?
      Six:  Yeah, you got a piece of me, but it's just a little piece of me... These days I feel like I'm fading away... Could you tell me one thing you remember about me & have you seen me lately?
      Seven:  She said everybody loves you, she said everybody cares.  But all the things I keep inside myself, they vanish in the air... Daylight fading, come & waste another year.
      Eight:  She is trapped inside a month of grey.  & they take a little everyday... In the absence of a place to be, she stands there looking back at me, hesitates, & then turns away.  She'll change so suddenly, she's just like mercury, yeah, but she's all right with me... Keep some sorrow in your hearts & minds for the things that die before their time.

27 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-I don't want to go back to Massachusetts.  I mean, I REALLY don't wanna go back.  & I really have to - packing up & that test alone are enough to make going back unavoidable.  But God, I'd do almost anything to find a way out of that.  I feel like I'll lose all the gains I've made the past week just by seeing campus again.  Someday, I'll be really happy at college, I hope.  Tonight, I'm pretty certain I'm 0 for 2 years.
-All-time #1 source of pain in the world:  attempts to avoid pain.  All-time #2 source of pain in the world:  lack of awareness.

26 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Yesterday wasn't bad for a Tuesday.  I really felt okay at times, even good about things.  Mostly drawing satisfaction from realizing that I was getting through everything just fine - that I'd dodged another bullet & was busy coming away from it okay.  In the words of Blues Traveler, "It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop & there ain't a whole lot that you can do."  Sure it might be nice to be satisfied by things a little less adversarial, but when others choose that course, I have to react accordingly.
-Just wasn't meant to write tonight.  When I say "tonight", I mean what most of you might call "this morning", considering that I'm talking about 1-4 in the morning on this very day.  I really wanted to write something about the half-moon & the concept of asymptotes, considering that I kept driving towards it & it kept feeling further from me, like the end of a rainbow or something.  Maybe it'll have to develop over time.  After writing "Choking Mist Absent Melody" last night, I feel like writing something a little more presentable.  & nobody responded to that one anyway!  Oh well... I guess it was just worrisome.  I don't feel worrisome.  I feel that I'm about to get extremely restless.
-Really lonely right now.  Stable.  But lonely.  Not hard to see why.

25 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Now THAT'S what I call irony.  Seriously.  That's just funny.
-Ever feel like you're hanging out in ancient burial grounds?  Like all the people around you are very noble, very wise, & very dead?  Oh sure, they'll flit about as if they were alive & talk to you & give every appearance of normalcy.  But when it really comes down to it, it's back to the burial grounds for them... much easier to spend time underground, really.  I wonder if there's anything really secretly enjoyable buried down there with all those people.  Not worth checking out, though.  Even if I end up alone above ground.  Maybe I'm sinking without even realizing it.
-Gris, you once described this page here as "cryptic", didn't you?  Now what could POSSIBLY give you that idea?!?
-It really is a bowl of stars.  I'm surprised that people in the deserts of New Mexico didn't realize a lot earlier that the Earth is spherical.  Perhaps they did, but just kept it a secret from the rest of the world, or it's something they knew long ago but never got credit for realizing.  It seems that nights are never dark, though, unless they're cloudy.  Things one doesn't realize until one gets far enough away.
-I have GOT to start sleeping less.  At least I knew everyone in the dreams & they behaved the way they would in real life.  Which at this point, isn't necessarily as specific a behavior pattern as it might seem.

24 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying the sine-curve roller coaster life is out the window.  I don't even think I'd want that.  I still feel every bit as much as before, with all accompanying extremes.  It's just that it's all tempered with tranquility & an underlying relief at the Benevolence in the universe, coupled with the sympathetic Sorrow at the human tragedy & constant waste that people put themselves through.  If I ditched the feeling, I'd slide right back into 1999.  I am NOT interested in doing that again.
-Still very lethargic.  But getting back in the swing, methinks.  Slowly.
-I've gotta spend less time working on this "Zimmy & Friends" Fantasy Baseball League.  It's way too easy to spend hours on it & it really doesn't mean anything.  A fun diversion, I suppose, like any computer game or timewasting exercise.  & I guess right now, I can afford such things.  All part of rebuilding, & giving myself ample time to think.  After Easter morning, I guess that isn't so destructive as it might normally seem.
-His reflection turned to face him again as he was about to leave the mirror.  & winked.  Whether it was of understanding or something else, he could not be sure.

23 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-He looked in the mirror just in time to see his reflection turn away from him.
-My Mom can be really reassuring sometimes.  I just wish I could be satisfied with the right answers.  Because I know that a lot of what everyone's telling me is correct, but it's so darn hard to see how to make it make any difference to me at all.  I think I've just started from a poor set of hopes - putting too much of my ideal in having someone understand me or being in some sort of mutually-beneficial romantic setting.  I know that I am someone who needs that.  But I seem to be finding out that I'm someone who will not get that.  In an instance like that, what is supposed to give?  More questions, fewer answers.
-I almost cracked up when, directly after my Mom said "just try to LIGHTEN-UP", the computer monitor switched off.  I'm talking IMMEDIATELY after.
-Rebirth?  That's what Easter's supposed to be about, right?  How come the only thing I can think of is Matteo Marquez in AP Euro History, when his only response on that homework sheet was "Renaissance=rebirth"?  Schneider knows what I'm talking about.  I'm not a Christian anymore anyway, & this is probably a good part of why.  Oddly enough, I'm not seeing the value of sacrifice like I used to.  Or maybe I'm just not seeing the value of this pain-in-the-bottom-of-the-gut-like-a-terminal-velocity-falling-elevator-in-an-infinite-shaft feeling.
-Tonight, in the last few hours, I recovered.  Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.  But not much of one at this point, as far as I can see things.  I went up to Santa Fe at about 2 in the morning & just got back now (it's 6:30 am).  I drove up I-25, went to the La Fonda, drove down the Turquoise Trail, went up to Sandia Crest (the peak), & then returned home.  The night driving, the music, the symbols present everywhere, the feeling that I was tapping into God the entire night, made it all one of the most memorable nights of my life thus far.  I've come to so many realizations, so many beginnings of answers, that I barely feel fit to go on with life without collapsing beneath the weight of my gratitude.  What a complete 180 from just prior to going on that trip!  I wish I could describe all this better, but I'm barely realizing it myself.  A few things are clear, however - some messages came through loudly & unabashedly.  The night was filled, in totality, with Benevolence & Sorrow.  These are dual frameworks of God that I've often recognized, but seldom experienced so profoundly.  From this, especially the former quality, it has become clear that in this universe, there is NOTHING TO FEAR.  Nothing.  This does not make fearlessness easy, or even positively attainable.  However, one should always have in the back of one's mind that fear is at best unnecessary.  Finally, one cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, nor help someone who refuses to be helped.  None of these realizations are wholly original, I understand, not even in my own belief patterns.  Which is part of what reaffirms them for me, to be honest.  That & the utterly transcendant nature of this entire night.  You may think me crazy, but I've rarely been so sincere... I would argue that few people ever feel this sincere.  If I could keep this feeling forever, life would be, as I joked about long ago, a "cool breeze".  As is, if I can apply this to even some facets of my existence, things are really going to improve.  In many ways, I am & always will be an open wound of a person, allowing others to do what they will with my trust & hope & attempts at compassion.  The sooner I stop resisting that, even though it hurts & keeps hurting, the sooner everything will make a lot more sense.  Things may have seemed contradictory just prior to this, but right now, so much is seeming so clear.  Thank you God.

22 April 2000
[from Albuquerque]
-I wish my Dad knew how much I appreciate him.
-Sacrifice is the theme for the time-being & perhaps for the whole week.   It's more than just Good Friday stuff, too.  Everything seems to be pointing directly at me having to be willing to make my own interests subservient to everyone else's.  Ironically enough, even some of the suggestions I've gotten that are "in my favor" still lead me to believe in sacrificing some or part of what I believe &/or who I am in favor of nebulous ideals of I don't even know what anymore.  So much of saving people is becoming an exercise in trodding on myself.  I wish I could feel better about that.
-Most of tonight, I've just felt like I've taken a machete to my gut & am watching my entrails trail around the floor.  That's obscenely grotesque imagery, I just realize, but it still rings true somehow.  It's like Adam Duritz's description of Henderson the Rain King as someone who just bleeds over everything.  This would all be so much easier if I didn't feel.  Sometimes I wish I could just shut things down, just temporarily, so I could get a grip.  But that's not possible, nor would it be valid if it were.
-Right now, I am NOT making progress.

Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)

Tell me this is not the end...*

*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.