News at Sunset
(22 April - 1 May 2000)
a conversation with Brandzy: I am living in "The Truman
For the unenlightened, I suggest you go see that movie. But,
my life is all a TV show, built for a consumer audience with the theme
& an attempt to boost ratings however possible. Whether the
watching is capitalistic or communistic is difficult to tell at this
but the point is primarily to illustrate the ills of life in the world
Whenever people arbitrarily leave my life, as they seem wont to
just because their contract fell through. This also explains other
arrangements. Now, if Brandzy disappears in the next week or so,
me this, I WILL believe that all of this is 100% true.
-I find it exceptionally fitting that "May Day" is a distress
Does anybody enjoy the 4th & 5th months of the year?
-That all better not be directed at me. If it is, whose fault is
it's in the past tense?
-Ways to minimize time spent at the library: I went up to the
desk, flipped through endless computer-print-out pages of book-codes,
end up finding the one book I'm looking for. I'm about to write it
when, looking at the scrap paper on which I'm about to write, I see the
I'm about to write already pencilled in. The sense of tranquility
been feeling was immediately magnified. I feel imbedded in this
of inner peace, like people & life may rush on around & around,
I can just calmly spectate & do just fine. This is the last
I expected to feel right now, but I'll take it. I am so ready to
the Atlanta-to-Boston leg of the flight back, I got bumped-up to first
You see, I was flying back on a Delta buddypass, courtesy Jaque
his pops (thanks again, guys!)... anyway, I got bumped-up at the last
because someone in first-class failed to show & I was in the right
at the right time, apparently. So I siddled into seat 1A (imagine
& ended up next to some guy incoming from the Bahamas who'd lived in
all his life (of all places...) & evidently bought his ticket about
prior - I could only imagine it'd cost about $3k more than my estimated
pricetag for that leg of the journey. After the whole gambit, with
dining & conversation with the snobbier regions of airline
decided that we live in a Slave State. Not drawn along racial
that would be far too conspicuously arbitrary. I swear there were
stewardesses (yes, they were all female) for first-class as for the rest
the entire 757! An entire industry, or all industries, arguably,
on "serving" the top millionth of the country's wealthy elite
we think it benefits us to get a minute fraction of their cash in
hard to see it so clearly from places that aren't the top - & the
come to expect it, so they're blinder than others, I guess. What a
I appreciated first-class, but I think I mostly ended up being
Though it took me a while to realize that, despite my long hair
"hippie" appearance, I didn't exactly have a sign around my
"doesn't belong here". Which was almost bothersome, in
-Back in Beantown - time to get all nostalgic... You think I was doing
differently a year ago today? See if this excerpt, from an e-mail
30 April 1999 can change your mind: "As this college year
a close, I am struck with the primary realization of exactly how little
accomplished. Something about late April & early May drives one to
on the nine months leading up to that point, head in hands, looking
the ruins of plans long gone." Pretty scary, huh?
about it, I've discovered that last year wasn't universally terrible
but steadily descended leading into April & May.
-You know what I really want right now? I would love it if
about anyone, came up to me, looked me squarely in the eyes, &
testified "I am NOT AFRAID to FEEL". That would make my
or at the very least, my
29 April 2000
28 April 2000
-Apparently, I am extremely oblique.
REALLY oblique. Here's a tip... if you read something on this page
think it might be about you, it probably is. Everything has a
a reason, & it's always precise. I read all the time that
upset when others think everything's about them. Guess what...
you are, this is all about You! Go with your instincts & you
will be surprised what's between the lines...
-Let me clarify the above clarification. Obviously, this isn't all
ONE person - my comments are directed to a whole slew of you, which is
feel comfortable saying that whoever you may be, it's probably about
example, yesterday's entries alone include direct or indirect references
14 (fourteen) distinct people. It would be just as invalid to
was all about one person as to think it was all about none. I have
I'm not making myself clear, but only even more unreachably oblique.
-Anyone wanna go to Boston tonight, write my papers, take my test, pack
stuff, & say goodbye to the people I know back there, all
me? I'll make it worth your while...
-I am SICK of people talking about emotional "drama"!
they're too scared to deal with life as a serious venture or they just
care about things anymore & are looking for what seems like an
excuse. Guess what - you're not fooling anyone.
-Leaving... on that midnight plane to Georgia... leaving on a midnight
woo woo... Something tells me Gladys Knight was more excited about
than I am.
-What a beautiful night. Wind &
everything that an evening should be. Even clouds rolling across the
moon, bathing it in yellow-brown. It feels like about 9 pm & it's
-America is a tragedy. I used to discuss the "American
as if it could be distinguished from other aspects of the country.
-Moral Dilemma: If someone's falling off a roof, do you save them if
know they'll just turn around & try to push you off?
-Only interesting response to the Moral Dilemma (above) thus far?
"sticky shoes". Methinks this might warrant an amendment to the
Rules of Life. If approved, they would now read: (1) Don't be
(2) Do what you hate the least. (3) Always wear a hat &
(4) Always pack sticky shoes. Thank goodness those rules are
of priority & that the early ones OVERRIDE the late ones when in
-Let's Count Crows & Recover the Satellites, shall we?...
One: Drove up to Hillside Manor
2 am & talked a little while about the year. I guess the winter
you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things
could not show her... I can't remember all the times I tried to tell
hold on to these moments as they pass.
Two: I wanna be the light that just
out your eyes, 'cause I know there's little things about me that would
the silence of so much rejection in every connection I make... I wanna be
last thing you hear when you're falling asleep.
Three: I hope that everybody can find
flame. Me, I say my prayers, then I just light myself on fire &
out on the wire once again... I just wanted to say goodnight.
Four: Well I guess you left me with
in my hand. Did it make it any easier to just leave me where I
Five: Well I'm all messed up, that's
new... Just get the world off your shoulders & close your pretty blue
Hey, what's life without an occasional surprise?... Hey, where you
This lonely spiral I been in... Hey, where you been?
Six: Yeah, you got a piece of me, but
just a little piece of me... These days I feel like I'm fading away...
tell me one thing you remember about me & have you seen me lately?
Seven: She said everybody loves you,
everybody cares. But all the things I keep inside myself, they
the air... Daylight fading, come & waste another year.
Eight: She is trapped inside a month
& they take a little everyday... In the absence of a place to be,
stands there looking back at me, hesitates, & then turns away.
change so suddenly, she's just like mercury, yeah, but she's all right
Keep some sorrow in your hearts & minds for the things that die before
27 April 2000
-I don't want to go back to Massachusetts.
mean, I REALLY don't wanna go back. & I really have to - packing
that test alone are enough to make going back unavoidable. But God,
do almost anything to find a way out of that. I feel like I'll lose
the gains I've made the past week just by seeing campus again.
I'll be really happy at college, I hope. Tonight, I'm pretty certain
0 for 2 years.
-All-time #1 source of pain in the world: attempts to avoid pain.
#2 source of pain in the world: lack of
26 April 2000
-Yesterday wasn't bad for a Tuesday. I
felt okay at times, even good about things. Mostly drawing
from realizing that I was getting through everything just fine - that I'd
another bullet & was busy coming away from it okay. In the words
Traveler, "It seems my ship still stands no matter what you drop &
ain't a whole lot that you can do." Sure it might be nice to be
by things a little less adversarial, but when others choose that course, I
to react accordingly.
-Just wasn't meant to write tonight. When I say "tonight",
what most of you might call "this morning", considering that I'm
about 1-4 in the morning on this very day. I really wanted to write
about the half-moon & the concept of asymptotes, considering that I
towards it & it kept feeling further from me, like the end of a rainbow
something. Maybe it'll have to develop over time. After
Mist Absent Melody" last night, I feel like writing something a
presentable. & nobody responded to that one anyway! Oh
I guess it was just worrisome. I don't feel worrisome. I feel
I'm about to get extremely restless.
-Really lonely right now. Stable. But lonely. Not hard
25 April 2000
-Now THAT'S what I call irony.
-Ever feel like you're hanging out in ancient burial grounds? Like
people around you are very noble, very wise, & very dead? Oh
flit about as if they were alive & talk to you & give every
normalcy. But when it really comes down to it, it's back to the
for them... much easier to spend time underground, really. I wonder
anything really secretly enjoyable buried down there with all those
worth checking out, though. Even if I end up alone above ground.
I'm sinking without even realizing it.
-Gris, you once described this page here as "cryptic", didn't
what could POSSIBLY give you that idea?!?
-It really is a bowl of stars. I'm surprised that people in the
of New Mexico didn't realize a lot earlier that the Earth is spherical.
they did, but just kept it a secret from the rest of the world, or it's
they knew long ago but never got credit for realizing. It seems that
are never dark, though, unless they're cloudy. Things one doesn't
until one gets far enough away.
-I have GOT to start sleeping less. At least I knew everyone in the
& they behaved the way they would in real life. Which at this
isn't necessarily as specific a behavior pattern as it might
24 April 2000
-Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying the
roller coaster life is out the window. I don't even think I'd want
I still feel every bit as much as before, with all accompanying
It's just that it's all tempered with tranquility & an underlying
at the Benevolence in the universe, coupled with the sympathetic Sorrow at
human tragedy & constant waste that people put themselves through.
I ditched the feeling, I'd slide right back into 1999. I am NOT
in doing that again.
-Still very lethargic. But getting back in the swing, methinks.
-I've gotta spend less time working on this "Zimmy & Friends"
Baseball League. It's way too easy to spend hours on it & it
mean anything. A fun diversion, I suppose, like any computer game or
exercise. & I guess right now, I can afford such things.
of rebuilding, & giving myself ample time to think. After Easter
I guess that isn't so destructive as it might normally seem.
-His reflection turned to face him again as he was about to leave the
& winked. Whether it was of understanding or something
could not be sure.
23 April 2000
-He looked in the mirror just in time to see
reflection turn away from him.
-My Mom can be really reassuring sometimes. I just wish I could be
with the right answers. Because I know that a lot of what everyone's
me is correct, but it's so darn hard to see how to make it make any
to me at all. I think I've just started from a poor set of hopes -
too much of my ideal in having someone understand me or being in some sort
mutually-beneficial romantic setting. I know that I am someone who
that. But I seem to be finding out that I'm someone who will not get
In an instance like that, what is supposed to give? More
-I almost cracked up when, directly after my Mom said "just try to
the computer monitor switched off. I'm talking IMMEDIATELY
-Rebirth? That's what Easter's supposed to be about, right?
the only thing I can think of is Matteo Marquez in AP Euro History, when
response on that homework sheet was "Renaissance=rebirth"?
knows what I'm talking about. I'm not a Christian anymore anyway,
is probably a good part of why. Oddly enough, I'm not seeing the
sacrifice like I used to. Or maybe I'm just not seeing the value of
-Tonight, in the last few hours, I recovered. Okay, that might be a
of an exaggeration. But not much of one at this point, as far as I
things. I went up to Santa Fe at about 2 in the morning & just
now (it's 6:30 am). I drove up I-25, went to the La Fonda, drove
Turquoise Trail, went up to Sandia Crest (the peak), & then returned
The night driving, the music, the symbols present everywhere, the
that I was tapping into God the entire night, made it all one of the most
nights of my life thus far. I've come to so many realizations, so
of answers, that I barely feel fit to go on with life without collapsing
the weight of my gratitude. What a complete 180 from just prior to
on that trip! I wish I could describe all this better, but I'm
it myself. A few things are clear, however - some messages came
loudly & unabashedly. The night was filled, in totality, with
& Sorrow. These are dual frameworks of God that I've often
but seldom experienced so profoundly. From this, especially the
it has become clear that in this universe, there is NOTHING TO FEAR.
This does not make fearlessness easy, or even positively attainable.
one should always have in the back of one's mind that fear is at best
Finally, one cannot save someone who doesn't want to be saved, nor
someone who refuses to be helped. None of these realizations are
original, I understand, not even in my own belief patterns. Which is
of what reaffirms them for me, to be honest. That & the utterly
nature of this entire night. You may think me crazy, but I've rarely
so sincere... I would argue that few people ever feel this sincere.
could keep this feeling forever, life would be, as I joked about long ago,
breeze". As is, if I can apply this to even some facets of my
things are really going to improve. In many ways, I am & always
be an open wound of a person, allowing others to do what they will with my
& hope & attempts at compassion. The sooner I stop resisting
even though it hurts & keeps hurting, the sooner everything will make a
more sense. Things may have seemed contradictory just prior to this,
right now, so much is seeming so clear. Thank you
22 April 2000
-I wish my Dad knew how much I appreciate him.
-Sacrifice is the theme for the time-being & perhaps for the whole week.
It's more than just Good Friday stuff, too. Everything seems to
be pointing directly at me having to be willing to make my own interests subservient
to everyone else's. Ironically enough, even some of the suggestions I've
gotten that are "in my favor" still lead me to believe in sacrificing
some or part of what I believe &/or who I am in favor of nebulous ideals
of I don't even know what anymore. So much of saving people is becoming
an exercise in trodding on myself. I wish I could feel better about that.
-Most of tonight, I've just felt like I've taken a machete to my gut & am
watching my entrails trail around the floor. That's obscenely grotesque
imagery, I just realize, but it still rings true somehow. It's like Adam
Duritz's description of Henderson the Rain King as someone who just bleeds over
everything. This would all be so much easier if I didn't feel. Sometimes
I wish I could just shut things down, just temporarily, so I could get a grip.
But that's not possible, nor would it be valid if it were.
-Right now, I am NOT making progress.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers",