The Dangling Conversation
(7-16 April 2001)
16 April 2001
-Feeling sorta numb. After all the discussions
& mental ramblings of last night, I guess that's not too surprising. I
really just want to start writing, but I need a long chunk of time & a roadmap.
Now I can't decide between that 4th novel & a really sound short story
idea & I just hope I have the focus either way. Maybe this summer
will be great for that. So much of me just wants to quit school - debate
is about all that's holding me back. I don't know how serious I am about
that, but it's certainly seriously how I feel today.
15 April 2001
-Steve Maloney proved to me this weekend that
he really is just an all-around great guy. I always liked him a lot, but
between hanging out with him & our final round, I'm convinced he's one of
APDA's best.
-9 new phone messages upon return, plus about 50,000 e-mails. Most of
which made me feel better about things & a couple a bit worse... I did screw
up on something too. I sometimes forget that Brandzy considers himself
a full-scale member of the debate team even though he never ever goes to meetings.
& I did handle telling him about the free seed poorly, so it's really
my bad.
-I have some e-mails to write. Trouble is, they're all about deep subjects,
or at least most of 'em are. The big problem with coming back from break
is readjusting to having been a week behind. & I'm not even thinking
about academics yet. Of course, that begs the question of what else might
be new.
-In the spirit of my apparently new habit of printing AOLIM profile stuff once
I take it off, here's the rant I've had up for a while now. With my renewed
health, it seems oddly less relevant: "You woulda thought
I would've gotten an ear infection a long time ago. With all the stuff
I've listened to, many of the people that have "graced" my life, it comes to
mind that much of my life has been a non-stop process of trying to infect my
ears. I guess the metaphysical is always 10 steps ahead of the physical.
Or at least about 3-4 years." Then again, given recent events...
14 April 2001
[from College Park, Maryland]
-Confirmation: Jon K. Williams is NOT real.
-I have a Finals Streak!
-No call between Kate & I this weekend... as she keeps saying, "Guess
what - we won a tournament!"
13 April 2001
[from College Park, Maryland]
-The past is never done with us. There's no human
capacity for escape. After 2 years of her refusing to speak to me, Jenny
just shows up to Hybrids. At the point at which she asked "So what
did you end up majoring in?", I came THIS close to yelling "Maybe
you'd know if you hadn't cut off communication between us!" My restraint
has been admirable & my incredulity solid. It's all about the shit-eating
grin.
-Ah, the toxic waste theory of dealing with personal relationships & history.
"Just bury it," she says. Ah, the absurdity. No
one ever thinks long-term.
-Debating barefoot rocks.
12 April 2001
[from Washington, DC]
-I'm not convinced any of us know what we're doing.
-Sometimes, rainfall is just overwhelming & one has to be in it. That
sometimes was this morning & then I spent the remainder of the day drying
out in the Peter Pan bus. I better not get sick again.
-I love that these bus companies maintain the illusion of independence from
each other. The sign for Springfield (Massachusetts) said that it was
the home of Peter Pan Bus Lines. As its claim to fame. The sign
neglected to refer to its pride & joy as another subsidiary of Greyhound's
National Bus Monopoly.
-Maybe my renewed reading frenzy is responsible, but I've really become inspired
with what I think will become my 4th attempt at a novel. It's basic as
yet & follows the ever-hated advice of writing about what I know, but I
think it'd be fun anyway. When looking for what I want to after college,
all roads keep leading back to writing. No surprise there. I just
have to make it WORK.
11 April 2001
[from South Hadley, Massachusetts]
-This is such a Parsley Sage day. Not a "Scarborough
Fair" day especially, but a day for the whole album. Maybe just the
transition from "The Dangling Conversation" into "Flowers Never
Bend with the Rainfall".
-& maybe there is that lingering hope of understanding. But it's always
so tenuous. Like everything, in one way or another.
-I'm still not used to being on an all-girls campus. At all.
-Some music I can never take seriously. & this threatens my ability
to take an entire resulting context seriously. If there's dubious music
in the background, I'm transported into a grade-B movie instantly - there's
just no reality but silly surreality in said situations. It's just funny
is all.
-I can't stand the fact that men, by their very existence on this campus, are
assumed to be here for trouble. Stereotypes are bad enough in general,
but when people assume that I'm trying to get in the building to commit assault,
it REALLY bothers me.
10 April 2001
[from South Hadley, Massachusetts]
-I get all these inspiring ideas of things to write these
days: novels, short stories, weird plotless devices. I'd say I need
more time, but methinks it's just more focus that'd help - if I had some really
targeted attention, I could churn out some awfully original work. I hope
cries of "this summer" mean something. Maybe it just will take
my thesis to get me truly in the groove.
-At least I'm reading a lot again. That may bring me halfway home.
-Those were some disturbing dreams. With a couple of notable sources.
-Flowers never bend with the rainfall.
-If I hear Madeline &/or anymore of her friends complain about their housing
situation some more, I really think I might scream. Loudly. She
keeps saying it's all relative, but when the only issue one faces is WHICH DORM
one will get one's guaranteed single (near all one's friends) in, I can't see
how there could possibly be something to complain about. I'm holding out
for sharing a random double in grad with someone I've never met (#270 on the
waiting list...) & Madeline's worried about being in the middle of the seniors
for picking dorms. Sigh.
-Heyyy... I can update from the Holyoke computer lab. Check this out -
an update appearing on the page BEFORE I return from a vacation!
9 April 2001
[from South Hadley, Massachusetts]
-Ah, doubt. Bane of existence. It creeps in,
like April malaise, tugging at possibilities in an eerie & unsettling fashion.
I wish I could bannish my own musings & sit patiently with contentedness
but it never seems to quite satisfy. Why am I reminded of a long-ago argument
with Schneider when he jestingly told Fish & I that we keep buying new shoes
- the WE lacked the loyalty to stick with something. & I just put
in new laces to an old pair, too - literally.
-I need to get writing again. I think I just want an interesting job this
summer... something downtown that gets me close to life again.
-I'm going to enjoy the nice day before I think it all away one more time.
-Greener grass. Indeed. Now I remember why I've made the decisions
I have in the past. It's all much clearer from this vantage. &
I guess most of it's somewhat relative. But still, this vision yields
little actual knowledge. Now what?
-It cracks me up how much some people can forget the corrections they've received
to certain misconceptions they once fostered. If one thinks someone else
is wrong, it's often so hard to remember proof that said someone was actually
right. But this is a distinct theme with the person I'm talking about
specifically & maybe not folks in general. I should stop checking
the web today is all.
8 April 2001
[from South Hadley, Massachusetts]
-The agony of the wait... ah well.
-I always need to crash on Sunday mornings, especially without basketball to
get me up. Really, without anything to get me up. That's cool.
-New challenge for the mid-range future: get Madeline to go camping with
me!
7 April 2001
[from New York City]
-Is this an example of our lives getting in the way of
our friendships? I really hope not. Things just don't always work
out.
-MIT didn't even show up to round 4! We're becoming intimidating.
-Nikki & I own Sepdog. & may have been in his last round ever.
-Finals again. Unreal with fries & a cold drink. This has been
the best semester of college in & out of debate. But what a culmination.
-Too much hardware! It's been since Florida Blue Key in '96 that I've
really felt that.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers",
by SWClayton.