Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall
(26 February - 7 March 2001)

7 March 2001
-Talking about the summer is DEFinitely a good sign.
-I hate feeling disgruntled & outta sorts.  Especially when I really have to write a paper.

-I could get more sick of this academic gambit, but I'm not exactly sure how.  Really.
-I have become absurd about my academics.  "The night before" has come to mean the afternoon before.  & by that I mean between classes.  Stina's joke about writing it in the hallway during a passing period is darn close to true.  & I still exceeded the assignment.  Goodness, as Nikki might say.  Or my word, as Drew would contribute.  I need to work on getting a move-on.  At least my thesis will be non-deadline-driven.
-Above, you can see the progress of a paper & my attitudes about it.  I think that's kinda funny.
-I need to do lots of work on this 'page, not the least of which is an update of the Diplo page.  I also need to update the 'Deis debate page.  & all sorts of stuff.  After my 5-hour shift tonight, I think I'll just be ready.
-The Debate Page is finally updated.  Roll 'Deis roll!
-While we're at it, let's look at how close Tirrell & I were at the Animal House.  & even more poignantly, how Bernbaum & I didn't deserve to be in the 2-3 bracket at the local women's school.  Am I a bad debater?  Or do I keep just getting screwed?  I'll let you be the judge.  Get it?

6 March 2001
-Sledding!  I love sledding almost as much as snow in general.
-Life is so well-ordered & sensible & reasoned that it often scares me.  This is not a new theme, but I have to express it most of the times it hits me.  Meaning & purpose abound!
-I have gone through SO many socks in the last 24 hours...

-Make fun of Lisha?  I wouldn't DREAM of it!  No, the point in that reference from yesterday was that James Weingarten & I argued in the final round of the Blue Key tournament in 1996 (I know this is ancient history, but hey) over whether Kant said people can't be used as a means or can't be used as a means ALONE.  The latter is the more fully accurate statement of Kant's philosophy.  With this in mind, it's okay for people to be used as means as long as they are also equally treated as ends.  & that the means they are used as ends up benefiting them in the ends equation somehow.  If that makes sense... I probably could put this more clearly.  Point being, the analysis is solid by Lisha, but the caveat must be stated.
-Drew & Brandzy & I have such odd conversations... they end up being the ultimate mix between irreverent humor & insightful seriousness.  I think it's almost the perfect mileu for a conversation, but it always leaves me feeling a bit strange... is this really reasonable?  Hmm.

5 March 2001
-Where does Pascal's Wager come in to the idea of putting off a paper on the basis of hoping the estimated 1-3 feet of incoming (alleged) snow actually comes through?  I think it might be more Murphy's Law than Pascal's Wager, actually, in that if I write my paper, it will snow, whereas if I don't, it won't.  Crikey.  Maybe I'll just procrastinate a while longer... the paper's not due for 13 & a half hours yet...
-Pascal's Wager defeats Murphy's Law!  No school today, & probably none tomorrow!  No work!  Ay, me gusta!  Woohoo!  This is, as U2 might say, oh-oh-oh, the sweetest thing.

-God, do I love snow!
-Mushroom fights in the cafeteria... so we may all appear to be 3, but I guess we just have a good handle on how to still have a good time despite being ancient.  Though I guess it's just Drew & I that are officially "ancient".  & Manor too.  Hm.
-I wonder what James Weingarten would have to say about Lisha's latest Kantian analysis (see link above).  I love Kant.  But not as much as not having to go to any classes because of snow.

4 March 2001
-So yeah.  After that 2-1 (not 3-0), we promptly lost 2 more Gov rounds.  Only my 2nd losing record in APDA career.  But so it goes, I'm not making a big deal of it.  Bernbaum was sincerely glad the whole weekend anyway.  I just felt slightly slighted for a couple reasons.  & having my typical crisis-of-faith issue of whether I'm a good debater.  But I get over those pretty quickly usually.  I still enjoy mixing it up.
-Scotty is not only a real human being, but actually has a genuine & even likable side.  I'm in danger of becoming friends with him.  How crazy is that?  Still hard for me to reconcile the public & private Scotties, but what can one do?  I just try to be as honest as possible.
-& sure, Schneider, I do welcome honesty.  Absolutely true.  But I respond in kind too.  Just one big bowl of communication, that's all.  But it's all good.
-"Blam means stop!"
-Madeline's never had a nickname.  & I guess "Maddy" works for other people, but she was horrified that I called her that.  So I guess I'll stick with 3 syllables all the time.  I have such an urge to nickname people, though... ah well, I just miss her already.

-Don't laugh, but after playing much playstation NHL Hockey with Jordan & Scotty last night, I think I injured my left thumb somehow.  All computer games should be keyboard-control.
-The Weather Channel is insane.  Most of the afternoon, they had radar precipitation all over Massachusetts, including directly over Waltham for a good few hours.  But there was NO precip.  None.  Everyone thinks the storm of the century is inbound, but maybe they just believe the radar screen.
-"I'm like 'Dude, e-mail, you could've asked.'" -Ariela, with her funny for the night.

3 March 2001
-Two weeks is gonna be tough to handle.
-The suspense of whether Bernbaum & I are 3-0 or 2-1 is somehow killing me.  Too much time to think...

-Happy Birthday, Lisha!  Yet another 21-year-old... ain't it crazy?  I'm not sure how much I like us all being THIS old.  But congratulations nonetheless.

2 March 2001
-Oh yes, it is March...

1 March 2001
-My parents rock!  I want to go home.
-Happy March, y'all.
-Too many people spend too much time worrying about me too much.  I'm FINE!  & it's the weekend & I'm outta physics lab, baby...

28 February 2001
-I'm REAL tired of people not being responsible for their actions.  & of taking crap from people.  & all sorts of other things.  I just feel like something is brewing & I'm not in the mood to be lied to, or taken advantage of, or yelled at for people's opinions.  I'm sure this grumpiness will fade soonish, but until then, people should just make an effort, y'know?
-90% on my Physics test!!  Before the curve!!  Ay, me gusta.
-Nikki is one of the few people who has actually been able to make me feel a little better about things.  Not much, but a little.  & I still am not entirely sure what I have to not feel good about.  Just lots of little things piling up.  & I can't help but think that most of this is about March impending.  As per usual.
-This room has GOT to be cleaned before this weekend.  At least Madeline doesn't mind that I throw stuff on the floor...
-Fish reports that he's hurt to hear me talk about being at rock-bottom in the past few years.  I guess I have to clarify the difference between emotional states & environmental states.  Most of my environmental states have been pretty good, but Brandeis has not been the greatest for that.  For many reasons.  But emotional states have been highly subpar, for all kinds of reasons.  This doesn't mean to reflect badly on friends (except the distance brought about by Brandeis) so much as reflecting badly on a few things in my life & how they've affected me.  You've gotta keep in mind that my cryptic moodswings don't always mean what they might sound like they mean.  Point being, my friends are great.  Everything else is that which has not been so.  That should be plenty evident just looking at this past year, even with the context of yesterday's comments.

27 February 2001
-One month!
-I hope my mood is better today than yesterday... 5 hours of work in the afternoon may or may not help.

-I figured out why I've been so bitchy lately... I still have the migraine I contracted Friday night.  It appears that I'm sometimes lucky enough to notice, but it's been impacting everything a lot.  I have nothing to complain about since by comparison to high school, I barely ever get a headache, but this one's been a real pain.  A real PAIN.  Crap on stick.
-I feel so bad for Drew, in light of so many different things.  I dunno what to tell him.  I just feel bad for the speech I gave him in Scotland because I didn't know what was goin' on.  Things are so unpredictable & complex in this adventure we try to call life.  I just wish I had a better handle on it for other people.  If that makes any sense to you, cuz it sure does to me.
-It's no good that I'm not going to have housing next year.  That's REALly a pain.
-But it's not just the migraine.  I have to be honest with myself.  That's a lot of it, but there's something deeper underlying all this hostility & anger & disgruntledness of the last 72 hours.  It's readjusting to caring, to having a vulnerability, to having something to lose.  Something that's positive that could be transient.  It's been so damn long since I've even thought about things that way & now that I'm back in that mode, it's hitting me as unfamiliar & even uncomfortable in places.  I'm realizing that so much of my ease with life in the past few years has been from the comfort of being at rock-bottom in some regards, of being where I can laugh off everything & challenge life to bring it because there's nothing that could get much worse.  & things have been okay, not terrible, but my emotional status was not defensive so much as fit to be tied.  & now that's evaporating & I have to re-deal with having things to protect.  & protect against.  Because I can't jump the gun either.  & finding that middle ground is frankly a mess.  All this is becoming much more of a mess than one thinks.  One anticipates that when life gets drastically better, it just simply gets better & there's no drawbacks.  But nothing is ever doggone simple.  Nothing.  Ever.  So I have to readjust.  I know what you're thinking - I have to find things to complain about to be me.  But it's not like that.  I've been disgruntled for what feels like no reason.  & now I've found the reason.  I love vulnerability for what it indicates, but it's a whole different lifestyle than I've had in my college years so far.  & as some people are re-learning, it's not an easy path to tread.  It's the best-case scenario, but no one ever indicated that that meant "easy".

26 February 2001
-So many folks seem to be running around hoping that conversations with me will propel themselves.  I don't understand; I know I talk a lot, but the expectations seem ridiculous.  It's like they've gone seeking a stand-up routine & then are surprised when it's just me expecting actual dialogue.  & maybe I've just been in a tired or tiresome mood, but I think it's to be expected after such a good break.  Settling into averageness is dull, especially between tournaments & without anything to get pumped about.  Ditching PE was a good call & I might just take the afternoon off altogether... maybe all this is just that March is approaching & the trepidation's setting in.
-DK rocks.  I know have 2 sports-team related sources of warmth.  Woohoo!
-Actually, everyone's gifts for me rocked.  I just need to figure out what at Amazon I want & how to get back from Balt'mer on a Monday.  No complaints about such tasks, believe you me.


Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)

Tell me this is not the end...*

*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.