Leaves That are Green
(7-16 January 2001)
16 January 2001
-Well here I am. & one all-night session with Brandzy later, it feels like Waltham all over again. There was even IHOP with Stina & Ari.
-Fish's life has substantially improved. I'm so happy for him. Now it's just up to me to get my act together.
-As (tied for) 32nd speaker at Worlds, I was apparently the top American debater in the tournament. That blows my mind & I can't even process it at this point, but it's awfully cool. Thanks to Lauren Cusick for the heads-up on this one, but I guess it's at the old Worlds website too.
-It's so surreal to be back. Lunch today with Ariela, Garddawg, Gregor, JoJo, & the Court was bizarre. It was cool, but the flood of people throughout Usdan just made me feel a bit weird. I don't feel used to this. It seems like I've been away longer, or maybe things have really changed.
-Class & debate & everything's about to get started up again. Seamless.
-Well I'm awfully satisfied with things at the moment. Not ridiculously so, but after a short intro to Third World Ideologies, I'm realizing that will be one of the few classes that gets me through this academic semester. Eloquent prof. But I have half my Christmas lights up & don't know if I can put that many more out there; they give a great glow to this room though & the reflection in the debate trophies is a nice complement as well. I have my Beantown view back & now at 6 pm, things are okay 24 hours in to another semester.
15 January 2001
-As I was leaving DK's late last night, seeing all my friends who're left in town for the last time this break, "Good Riddance" came on the radio. It's not good riddance, but I hope you had the time of your life.
14 January 2001
-I've got an extra-large dose of that Sunday-night feeling. You know, the end of the weekend feeling of knotted stomach tension one gets prior to the Monday that gets the whole week rolling. Except this is a bigger case since it's pre-Brandeis feeling & it's a whole semester upcoming, not just a Monday. At least Sunday night itself is still to come.
-So at some point I'm going to have to decide whether or not I'm running for APDA board. It's a tough decision & I honestly don't know... there's real arguments for both. Maybe I should write a case about it & see how well it does. Either way, is there any input?
-"You get it but you just can't say you get it." -DK, on Eliaii's reaction to an irony he pointed out. Maybe you had to be there, but this was hysterical. I've been playing way too much bridge of late, but this really cracked me up.
-All these goings & comings still keep up. Johnny tells me that they're numbered, but even he recognizes that he might get dragged back to Albuquerque for work & "real life", depending on how things end up. I've got a feeling that more random decisions, much like the college decision era, are upcoming. For a lotta folk, at least. Is it too early to start thinking about all this? I told Sarah in an e-mail that I needed a bigger brush... the big picture has been sacrificed for too long because I keep picking at the details. & it's really true. So what is this big picture? I know that writing my thesis will help me focus on all the solutions my Dad's so interested in me being interested in, but does that really find me a destination? & of course there's the one element that always seems necessary to me, but Eliaii tells me I shouldn't worry about, or at least he's not going to till he's 25 at the earliest. But I'm obviously not cut out that way. So, where is this all going? I don't pretend to have answers, but I'm realizing that they matter, that I need them. This is real. This is where the energy needs to be.
-&, now that I think about it, maybe not. Maybe I just need to truly live on the wind for a while. That's possible too. That doesn't quite seem accurate; maybe it's gotta be a balance of intuition & planning. But I've never been one for mapping out everything. I guess I just want to make sure that I don't get swept somewhere where I'm just ironing out more details & preparations. I've spent my whole life doing that & it's time for real change.
-A 489 series in bowling (that's 3 games, for the unfamiliar) is good enough for me. & my back actually felt BETTER after bowling. Either way, it's a good sign that I was able to bowl at all.
-Looks like I might miss the biggest snowstorm of NM history. Well that's pushing it, but it'll apparently be up there.
-This time tomorrow, I'll be well entrenched back in the ol' Beantown lifestyle. Again, I'm more hopeful than I've been about that since first semester freshman year, when I didn't know any better. So that makes this the best of 5 semester returns. Still, I'm in no rush.
13 January 2001
-I always think I'm going to do so much more with break than I actually do.
-Eliaii, much like Marple, has really found his niche in college. Much more so than high school. I don't really think I'm waiting for that niche, I'm just realizing that Brandeis doesn't have it. Or college for me. Or high school did. Or maybe my niche is just debate, but it's not the same as high school. Maybe I've just been retreading this ground too much in my head.
-The word "niche" starts to lose all possible meaning after overuse. As do most words.
-If I eat enough green chile between now & leaving, does it get to stay in my system all semester?
12 January 2001
-So Lords of the Realm II is rather addictive. I don't care what Brandzy says, I like my cheap computer games.
-"Thirteen Days" would be a lot more compelling if one didn't know that it worked out okay. I guess that would require not being in the movie theater, in 2001, watching from a safe position, so it's all a little self-defeating. But you know what I mean.
11 January 2001
-So now I've met JiSan Lopez's fiancee. & JiSan reports that she's met ECG's new husband. Boy does that dredge up things I'd like never to be discussed again. Sheesh-o-rama. Regardless, in what I'd estimate to be his mid-thirties, JiSan's boyfriend is admittedly a bit younger than I might expect. & I certainly didn't expect her to introduce him as her "fiancee". Said it's turned her life upside-down, as well it should I say. Just goes to prove one never knows who one'll run into at the Frontier.
-Also from the Frontier, the Alibi's continually amusing astrology section has officially given up on me figuring things out. It says I should seek others who have as much trouble with over-analysis as I do. I believe in Colin Powell more than horoscopes, but unlike the former, the latter always makes me wonder.
-The more I've thought about the conversation with Gris, Freez, & Johnny last night, the more it depresses me. Sometimes I get frustrated with the fact that virtually all my friends have such conviction in lack of spiritual conviction. It certainly doesn't make them worse people, it just makes them fear death. I know, I know, really rare fear... really weird thing to get caught up about. But still. I rarely spend a single day where I don't get bowled over with the meaning & spirituality of the world... the old "awareness is never enough, it must always be wonder" gambit. But it's really true & I'm not making it up, no matter how cynical JP may be. Even Zirkin can see it sometimes, despite his qualms & difficulties therein... I guess it just amazes me sometimes how people so close to me can still be grounded so deeply in an utterly foreign framework. It's not a barrier, just a weirdness.
-I could never work in a convenience store. All one does there is purvey lottery tickets. Working for B&B during the Hobbs case was hard enough... directly selling hypocrisy would be impossible.
-According to Stina, MB20 & Everclear are playing together in Worcester (however you wanna pronounce that) on the Ides of March. Who wants to go? I fear I know that I'm alone in answering "me", but I really couldn't care less.
-I actually found a duck calendar. Groovy. Though it reminds me my days here are again numbered. Still a bit to get done before Beantown sneaks up on me once more.
10 January 2001
-Today I have to just buckle down & DO stuff. With my back finally, well, back, I think this might be feasible. Once I make it through the upcoming dental visit, everything's going to seem a lot better.
-Optimism IS a scary thing. Whatever Stina may say, guarding against too much optimism is essential to a healthy existence. Unfounded optimism, at least. & it's just hard to say where the foundations are or aren't right this second. So give me some time.
-DK gets home Friday, but Gris leaves Thursday. It's a David switch.
-Too bad the dental visit PREVENTED all the other stuff from getting done. Half the day with a numb face is no good for anyone. I suppose my Driver's License for the next 8 years could have a picture of me involuntarily drooling, but I took a pass on that. Tomorrow.
9 January 2001
-Where did this break GO?
-Today has been one of the best days of break. For all sorts of little reasons. But my mood is sailing & my back is much improved & it snowed here for much of the day in enormous flakes. I am getting pumped. Oh baby life might just be tasty.
8 January 2001
-No one should ever sleep that much. Yuck. I'm really disoriented & although my back is feeling better, it's still a ways out. On pace to recover by Brandeis again, I suppose, & that's really what counts. Jake, apparently, is sleeping as much as I am these days though. So it goes.
-I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. Circling & circling. Wahoo.
7 January 2001
Fish. 4 months. I've got the tickets right here.
-People ought not beat themselves up for that which they cannot change. Learn from it sure, but not beat self up. Yes, I'm aware of how hypocritical that is, but that doesn't make it less quality advice.
-We're back on the upswing of hope. Is there any better reason for this than anything else? Perhaps, perhaps no. But I see enough reason to lead myself on again, in the potentially vain hope that there's something to cling to. It could be the answer, it could be another crushing problem. & I could be making a big deal of illusions again again again. Who really knows? Tonight, for once, I'm not trying to know. Not needing to know. Just me & my hope & we're cozy tonight.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.