In the Woods
(19-28 September 2000)
28 September 2000
-Happy Birthday Jaque! The first of my NM friends to go 21! CRAZY! I don't know if I can handle it. Let's hope he can. Because, as the Spark tells us... I think you kids can see where this is going. & if you can't, oh well.
-Sheesh, we're getting old.
-Bridge is forever bridge. That's the thing about games like that - if you know what you're doing, they're the same wherever one goes. That's comforting, I think.
-Communicating with Namibia is fun. It's weird that it's via computer, considering what one generally thinks of when thinking of Namibia, but still. It's very cool. As is at least one person there.
-I still wish there'd been a floor vote at the Williams tournament. The world may never know...
-This is my 200th day of doing this little Introspection project. That's a daunting thought in many ways. That beats my old record for a consecutively kept journal by about 198 days, methinks. & it happens to be public, which I think is neat. How long this will go on is still anybody's guess, but it's done enough good that it'll probably be a while.
-"Unfortunately, sociology is not history - it does not tend to conform to the facts." -Prof. Black. That man cracks me up. & he spends a disproportionate amount of his time being right.
27 September 2000
-I think I idealize everything. & maybe everyone, to a certain extent. No offense. It's just a laden process imbedded too deep in my mind to really try to alter. Maybe. But what stops me is how short of the one thing I'm really looking for everything seems to fall. & maybe the fault's mine, & I'm not giving anything a chance. That's certainly what everyone seems to think, anyway. But I don't think that's the whole story. Really, I think I'm just waiting for the thing that'll knock me clear into next week. & yet, you say, it may be the same as everything else & I've just built this up to be more because I need. Look what happened last time, you say, with sodium in your voice. But you're right to question it. I don't blame anyone for their questions. Especially when they're illuminitory, or intended to be. Put it this way, I don't know, so I have to hope. & idealize in the mean time. But it doesn't keep me from feeling lonely most of the time. Not a unique claim, but one that I feel deeply.
-Ay, there might be a bit of what would loosely be defined as "the craziness".
-I've got my Monday/Wednesday routine back! Everybody celebrate... it really does feel good.
-Most of the time, irony just takes me out behind the woodshed, rips me in half, & feeds me to the dogs. But sometimes it's funny too. Usually both. I was going to go somewhere with this, to conclude somehow, or cleverly sum up, but there's really nothing more to be said on the subject. It is what it is. Often overwhelming, frequently funny, & usually I just end up being munched on by dogs.
-Never let imagery get in the way of a good concept.
26 September 2000
-It's officially PreOctober.
-I am not sick, but I am debilitated. I am not incapacitated, but I have had a migraine for about 4 days. I am not pleased with "TheSpark.com"'s (recommended this time via Mesco) Personality Test labelling me as an "Accountant" (submissive introverted concrete thinker). I think what I object to in the last issue is the "concrete" part (as opposed to abstract - I think almost everyone I know would say my head is way too invested in the clouds to be a concrete thinker rather than abstract), though I think that dividing people into thinker vs. feeler is absurd, & introverted vs. extroverted almost as absurd. We're ignoring some very vital fine lines here. Regardless, if you want to go there, take the test, & plug in firstname.lastname@example.org afterwards, you'll be able to check your alleged compatibility to me. Good times for all.
-Tuesdays are long. By this logic, I've decided to take my first much-needed day off from Logic.
-Jake Axel needs to relax. About a lot of things, but most thoroughly, Model UN & people's commitments to it. What part of "voluntary club" did he miss the boat on?
-Things are sliding a little, but they're under control. Today was one of the first mornings I woke up really wondering why I wasn't in the West. The question always remains, but the focality of it can be lessened for the time being. Or up till now at the very least.
-I feel very hollow today. Sitting in class, it was like fog had invaded my mind & I was trying to see around clouds in order to comprehend things like I usually do. & I actually have to do homework today, which is just weird.
25 September 2000
-ZimZim needs to work on the whole stereotyping thing. But I insist, unlike what Steino would have you believe, that he really is getting much better about most things. His attitude's improved. He just feels compelled to hang on to things that he grants are self-destructive & utterly irrational. Come to think of it, though, most people do too. Just more noticeable with him.
-Okay, I really do have to do laundry. Really. But it'll be my first laundry of the semester, so that's decent.
-Another full pot of coffee down the hatch. No sleep for me!
-Pain swallower, at your service!
-Arbitrarily feeling physically blechy is no fun. What's weird is that most people are picking up on it. In the last 72 hours, about 2/3rds of the people I've run into have asked if I'm okay. & it's different than they usually mean it - almost always, it's emotional status they're inquring about. But of late, they seem to be perceiving something I barely can understand myself. Either way, my primary verdict is Yuck.
-I should stop ditching basketball & history. At least I'm going to all my other classes & Black is friendly when we bump into each other in the hallways after I haven't been to his class in a week. I think he's trying to con me into coming back regularly since I'm the only person who looks back at him responsively during class.
-So much of philosophy classes is repetition. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it. Of it, I am tired.
-Ah, the first taste of impending October...
24 September 2000
-I love Ariela. Come back!
-My NM friends are the funniest group of people on the planet. No, really, they are.
-Speaking of the NM friends, happy birthday to DK, happy birthday to DK, happy birthday dear Chunx-o-Kunx, happy birthday to DK!.....
-Calls have come in today at 2:30 am, 3 am, & 4:30 am, all from different people. I love this ultra-communicative life I'm living.
23 September 2000
[from Williamstown, Massachusetts]
-Yes, there must be drama in all things debate.
-What a tournament. What a weekend. & this was our "warm-up" tourney, too. This is gonna be a great debate year.
-This situation is never going to leave me alone. But you know what? I think at this point I can comfortably say that I don't want it to. Well, I might like it to SOMEtime, but I'm in no apparent rush. Some things rarely change.
22 September 2000
-All the pain will make sense in the end. All of it. One may not be able to see how or why until that end comes nigh, but at that point, the illumination of why things happened the way they did is momentous. & inspires me to give great thanks. Whatever may befall someone in this crazy lifetime, the odds are good that it prevented them from befalling things far far (more unimaginably) worse. & that should make us grateful. I'm grateful. For the confusion I've dealt with pales in comparison to what I might've had to face. So I am relieved, & renewed in my faith in the grand plan.
-A good poker night... finally.
-Novices need to figure out this whole being-committed-to-tourneys thing. Beyond that, things are good there too.
-Lisha cracks me up.
21 September 2000
-My life is slowly becoming entirely consumed by debate &/or the Debate Kids. Which is fine by me.
-Appreciate walking. It's a luxury, not a right. I've never taken such giddy joy in it before, but losing something temporarily will always have that effect.
-I don't appreciate having candidates write on my board shamelessly self-promoting. It's bad enough that 50 people hang signs saying "Jim the Schmuck for East Quad Senator" without me finding it amongst important messages on my door...
-From a discussion with Brandzy & Ari Rabin-Havt (who can be intelligent & non-offensive sometimes, apparently, I suppose), all needs are contingent (something I've long held as a philosophy) EXCEPT possibly purpose. If one believes in higher purpose, Brandzy argues that having a purpose is a need which is non-contingent. I'm not sure it really qualifies as a "need" in the truest sense, but if it is, it's wrapped up in the soul, which prompts the question of whether one can commit "soul-suicide" in a sense... this would make it contingent; otherwise, it might be the only non-contingent need. I love it that I get more philosophy out of discussions with friends than my academics in a semester when I'm enrolled in 4 Philosophy classes.
-This new Wallflowers album is really good. Even if it doesn't come out for 19 days...
-Jesus. Fish is JUST starting school. I feel already so imbedded here it's crazy. Like I never leave or something. & given the dates for Glasgow Worlds (26 December till 6 January), it looks like I'm not gonna be home much till NEXT summer. So. I still find it amazing that some people really have reason to associate late September with the beginning of school, like they do in all the comic strips.
-It's official... I'm going to see HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH! I'm proud of my liking for this group & I don't care what you think. Anyone whose next album title is a Waffle House reference is good enough for me. It's going to be awesome.
20 September 2000
-These things are so interesting. The little situations people end up finding themselves in. Where do one's priorities really lie? What is one willing to give up in order to maintain a way of dealing with things (or not dealing with them)? How important is it to be the most stubborn, the longest-lasting, the toughest kid on the block? Questions that remain to be answered, or seem to be developing into answers of their own accord. But ones that interest me nonetheless. The study of humanity is so often in perfect alignment with the study of irrational behavior.
-6 teams going to Williams. Rock on.
-Just as things start to heal, the rain returns. Screw the rain. The thunder was kinda neat, but the rain's just threatening.
-7 hours in a row of anything is a haul. Admittedly the 4 debate hours were broken up a bit, but they were fairly exhaustive anyway. For various reasons.
-Brandzy is never home.
-That girl is such a cutie. The more I ponder it, the more I play out the crazy what-if scenarios & it's all well beyond silly. But tonight it couldn't help but intrigue me. Especially since it's the first time we've spoken since, what, early last year? Bends in the road & where they lead us. I can't handle the idea of only having one short attempt at the whole life thing primarily because it'd just be so final. I know Jake tells me "this is your eternity," but I think if this is really all we get, then most of us just do a lousy job of it, so the higher purpose has to reside in a continuation. Surely the experiment isn't "here's a bunch of untennable situations decided by things beyond your control, now let's see how badly you screw up!"... it's gotta go deeper than that. & I think there's more to this existence than screwing up. I guess what gets me is the missed opportunities. The potential & how short everything falls of it, mostly because it has to. Because life is contingent on other people & other people are not perfect, just as we ourselves are not perfect, & part of our imperfections are laden in the imperfections of others. All forks are not taken, in fact most are not even considered because their source roads are diverted. & there are possible equally perfect worlds in which those forks would be explored. & while it all works out for the best, some of those forks somewhere must get a 2nd chance. That's something I spend a good chunk of my time looking forward to. At least tonight. The vastness of potential is enough to soak up forever.
-Yay! I can WALK again!
-Do you know how much better politics & elected representation would be if every person running had to actively (& postively) campaign for their OPPONENTS? Exit shameless self-promotion & enter sincere honest straightforward un-hyperbolic perspectives on what people really stand for. Until that time, though, we get besieged by the ol' shameless self-promotion till the point of ridiculousness. Wahoo.
19 September 2000
-You wouldn't think I could fit 6 people into this room. But I did. All a perfect setup for my fourth Risk win in five tries this semester. I'll take an .800 anytime.
-So, these last 48 hours have conspired to be predominantly lousy. Luckily, I've had some spare momentum to ride the tide on through. Now I'm hoping for a real surge again. Something tells me this will not begin with my Symbolic Logic test tomorrow. Funny that. However, there'll be debate & then everything will focus on preparing for Williams. Woohoo.
-I need to write some e-mails. Tomorrow.
-Happy Birthday (a handful of days late, but it's your fault that I'm late, so...) Brandzy! Even if you don't want to confront the big 2-0, the big 2-0 will confront you! I know who you were trying to think of... John Lennon!! Trust me, kids, this really IS funny...
-My toes have gone from nondescript red to deepest darkest purple. Tell me this is progress. I think I'll know it's progress when I stop walking around in a fashion that inspires most everyone on campus to stop, look forlornly in my direction, & ask if I stepped on a mine over the weekend.
-Progress. Slow. But certain.
-I'm an eternal fan of language & linguistic perfectionism, which is why I get a kick outta Kate's latest comment about my recent comments. Interpretation is always such a funky thing. Especially when I phrase things as, well, inopportunely as that. Funny funny stuff... kinda.
-90% of the time someone in my Kant class raises their hand, it's to ask Greenberg to repeat something he just said. Immanuel himself would be distraught to witness one of our sessions. Yes, people really are that slow, apparently.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.