(10-19 August 2000)
19 August 2000
-These last 24 hours have been beautiful.
-It's official... I'm leaving from ALBUQUERQUE (not San Diego) on a flight on the 29th. We will promptly not think any further about this horribly strange beast called "leaving".
-This whole local lifelong friends thing may just work out. It worries me often, & I have to go & listen to "Bob Dylan's Dream" & get really concerned about it all, but for the most part, I feel good about it these days. Perhaps just because the past few nights with the friends have been some of the best ever. I just hope we all prioritize the right things & don't let life get in the way.
-I'm just really darn content right now. The content before the storm quite possibly, but still content. Lots to be happy about for at least 10 days.
18 August 2000
-But I thought Subarus were supposed to get GREAT gas mileage! That's ALL I will divulge about that.
-I actually had a really good night last night. & that was before the full relief set in. So 'tsallgood. For a while, at least. I still have to return to the unspeakable in less than 2 weeks, but hanging out for Freez's birthday tonight (last night - you know, night o' the 17th) was awesome & I see no reason why that won't continue, in spirit, for those less than 2 weeks. Just solid fun. & Fish & I pounded everyone in bridge to boot.
-What was it I said in March on this page about problems on 15's & resolutions by 17's? How true. Let's hope this stays resolved, unlike March.
-August's major webpage update is complete. Head back to the Pond for all the latest photos... stuff from the Canyon & other summer adventures are up. Plus, I've added to the Friends' pics, as well as moved all of them back to a back-page so they no longer delay the loading process of the Pond itself. Hope everyone's happy with this. New logos are everywhere... it's been a summer of progress. Mostly.
-I still don't like 'IM much.
-Life is seriously looking up. If only I had something more than debate to be happy about in the longer term. Maybe I'll find myself at Brandeis for the first time. That makes me laugh thinking about it, but who knows? There could be a way to change things enough to feel like I'm alive in Waltham. Anything's gotta be possible. I just don't know how & I doubt I'm about to learn. We'll just have to see. For now, I'm riding on hope, & a whole lot of anticipation of debate.
17 August 2000
-Happy Birthday Freez!
-Today, I'm particularly reminded of something I said in the last of my 3 summers at CTY... this one was in Carlisle, when I was taking the revolutions class. For some God-unknown reason, I was charged with defending Robespierre & his early deeds in the French Revolution, which was a task much better suited for Kamarchik, but he wasn't there that year anyway. So, lacking many better things to say & being accused of defending an absolutely paranoid freak, I blurted "Paranoia is healthy in paranoid times!" It ended up becoming the theme for the remainder of the class. & for today.
-At least I'm not going to COLLEGE at Dickinson. Heck, I'm not going to UNM either. That's something to be grateful for, right? C'mon, I'm TRYING here!
-Explanations are the lifeblood of understanding, knowledge, & hope. Making them at least vaguely important to me.
-Mesco reminds us all that it IS the 17th. Small consolation, but hey, it's better than what's 2 updates above...
16 August 2000
-Thanks to Fish for trying, & actually succeeding (somewhat) in calming me down. I'm still worried as all get-out. But a little less so, if that makes any sense. At least that provided me with potential perspective. Still, my less than utterly rational side is about to fly off the handle.
-What are people so damn scared of?!
-T minus 2 weeks. & NOT counting.
-I am on the verge. Right now, there is nothing that looks positive. It seems that things are going to get worse. Help me pray that I'm wrong.
-I am utterly irrational. But do you blame me?
-Finally listened to some of the old tapes that Kevin & I did. That was rough going. About the time we played "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" on our pseudo-radio-show, I was about to lose it. It was almost exactly 10 years ago, probably to the day if I wanted to track it down that closely. Bobby Longo was on there too, mostly being silly, as he often was circa 1990. Sheesh. I'd say life goes on, but obviously, it doesn't always. & that's what's getting to me right now.
-"Rosa may be cold, but not as cold as Tequiza!"
-Things are looking up, more so. Mostly my own bizarre rationalizations. But that's what it takes sometimes. That & plenty of talks with my Mom & Fish.
-I am NOT a womanizer! Thanks Schneider...
-Under certain conditions, other issues may just become water off a duck's back, 'tis true. However, try to contemplate current conditions without the friends I've had. It's impossible, because there wouldn't BE any conditions... period. So. Methinks that's proof enough that the friends won't get deprioritized for anything, regardless of what happens.
15 August 2000
-Exit Jaque... yet again.
-The Ides of August. That sounds about right. & what a blatantly full moon to go with it.
-She still might call today... or something. None of this makes any sense. Whatsoever. I just keep making the calculations & it just keeps not adding up. But I'm on the verge. I authentically am. Crudbuckets.
-Hearing "Hey Jude" on the way to the Frontier was a big relief of sorts. What sorts, I'm not entirely sure.
-What on Earth is Ty Hochla doing at the Frontier at 5 in the morning? Life just keeps getting more bizarre & less explicable. But the lines are starting to dull. It looks like I'm not sleeping tonight & that's really good & really bad.
-Still not making sense. Not remotely. Not by half. Not... well, you get the picture.
-Fish & I spoke about Natalie Levy for the first time since senior year last night. Today, we went bowling with Freez & saw said individual for the first time since senior year. If only such willful thinking worked for all people. Still, 'twas interes.
-Driving home from bowling, I was followed for a fair distance by a blue Saturn. Sadly, there was no bike on the back & it only thinly got my hopes up. He's probably in Oklahoma by now.
-By dawn tomorrow, I'm going to have to reach out. It's that or go crazy. & anyone who thinks I should go crazy this soon before returning to Waltham really needs their head examined.
14 August 2000
-"It could be worse," Bobbie told me at 3 in this very morning, "I could be working at the Waffle House!"
-Everyone should always have a song they're willing to put on repeat for days. These days, it's Dylan's "I Don't Believe You". Not my cheeriest pick, but hey.
-So, I'm really kinda weary of everyone trying to regulate my feelings. I'm going to feel what I authentically do, & everyone can kindly deal or get outta the way. Or gently disagree. But when you don't understand, it's hard for you to have much of a leg to stand on by saying "you're wrong". So, that's really all I have to say about that.
-Now the countdown begins. In the form of people exiting. I hate this process.
13 August 2000
-Read Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist"! Sarah was very right about that book... very glad she gave it to me after all. Just as I finished it, Fish called... the phone rang literally 5 seconds after I finished reading & it was all very fitting. Also prompted me to remember her finishing of her 8th reading of the book, on the roof in the midst of the lightning storm. Neat.
-So, we doubled the party at Dana's upon arrival. The we being Fish, Jaque, Eliaii, Marps & myself. The tensome ended up being a very strange group indeed. But more fun that I, at least, bargained for. So I'm gonna run with that.
-Patience. Ah yes, patience.
-You don't understand. None of you. Not even a little. Sure, some of you will smile or sigh or criticize at vaguely appropriate times, but understanding always seems to be a scant wisp of smoke swirling two stories above your heads, on good days. No offense. This isn't meant to be a condemnation... I've come to not expect & barely hope for any understanding to come through ever. But sometimes I must yearn nonetheless. Which I'm sure you don't understand.
-Zero is the loneliest number.
-More bad signs... accidentally lighting my hair on fire. Something better turn around... quick!
12 August 2000
-Apparently Bobbie, formerly of the Waffle House, is now working behind the counter at the Frontier. We actually had a nice little chat. She's doing much better & so am I. Everything works out in its own strange way.
-If I couldn't point to everything I've endured, all that's happened, & each thing I've learned & see exactly how it's prepared me for this situation, then perhaps I'd feel differently. But I can. So I don't. I feel as I do & am realizing that all I'm short of is a bit of patience. Otherwise, I'm so ready for this, it just isn't funny.
11 August 2000
-Blech. That's how I've felt for the better part of several days. At least physically, but yesterday, it was other stuff too.
-"Player Piano" is fairly solid Vonnegut fare, but he's just plain wrong about a lot of stuff in it. Which was a little surprising. The average human's right to manual labor that bores the stuffing out of them doesn't strike me as something to get worked up about, for example. In fact, methinks salvation from such a "right" would do tons of people a lot of good. There's a lot of quality in the work, but it's clouded by rhetoric in favor of things that just don't have much point.
-Too many friends in New Jersey... sheesh.
-Ay! No me gusta!
10 August 2000
-My chessnet lightning rating has surged 200 points in the past 24 hours. I'm sure you all care deeply, but I think it's rather exciting. Very little these days beats 1 minute apiece games on the ol' 'net.
-So Ariela's not returning next semester & this depresses me. I mean, I understand why she has to make the decisions she has... most of it seems beyond her control anyway. But still. I'm gonna miss that girl like crazy... she's one of the few people I think I'm really close to in Waltham, & now she's gonna mostly be in NYC. With the sporadic trip up. Sigh. I will make this semester better... my best at 'Deis, I strongly hope, but setbacks are seeming frequent these days. I just need to pour everything I can into debate - every time I do that, things seem to improve.
-That's just depressing.
-I need to stop dreaming. This is about a week's worth of nights in a row with the same theme & the same blasted person showing up every time. Enough already! I guess it's just time to stop sleeping altogether, like back in the good-bad old days.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.