At the Foot of the Hill
(11-20 June 2000)
20 June 2000
-Yay! Jake's coming after all. Just later. Welcome to the world of people who PAY for plane travel, Jaque. & welcome to coach.
-Later today, we find out... (drumroll please)... will the alleged Move-In Day III become a reality?! Is this ever going to happen? Only time will tell... How's the suspense treating you? Mefears I'm already gone.
-Fish might be bringing a 'puter to the house, which would be nice in a small way, because I could type there. I'm toying around with 2 of my 3 attempted novels... revival always seems like a possibility. I'm thinking of posting a list of my "collected works" on the 'page too, but mefears it'd just be depressing, considering how many short stories I wrote in 1993-96 & how few in the years since. But there's reasons for that. I just need to get writing more, & Fish bringin' a computer would facilitate that. Especially since it's a half-step up from a Commodore-64 (okay, I'm exaggerating a LITTLE, but not much), so I wouldn't be distracted by too much other stuff that computers are so good at distracting one with. Keep it to the words.
-Too much memory this week. Especially when all my saved e-mail dating back to this time 3 years ago is readily available for my perusal. It's all so bittersweet.
-Okay, I did it. You can now observe a preliminary listing of my Collected Works... in other words, all the various forms I've put words into in the past bazillion years. If I owe you e-mail, which is probably a number of you, this project is to blame for me not writing you yet. So check it out & I will write you soon. Because now that project is behind me. & because I really want to write you. Honest.
-Apparently, this summer is a good time to be kidding. I have a job... oh wait, just kidding. I have a place to live with my friends... oh wait, just kidding. I think I'm going to forbid myself from standing on any more rugs, lest they get pulled out the way that they always seem to. My analysis of the remainder of summer from 4 days ago is looking more & more accurate.
19 June 2000
-Remember being 16? Something tells me I wasn't the way Fish's sister is. Fish: "So, what do you DO all day?" Morgan: "Watch TV & eat. What else is there to do in the summer?" She said it so matter-of-factly too. Like we'd just forgotten a universal truth. I, for one, was amused.
-Hmph. For someone I don't know very well, that girl has sure been showing up in a lot of my dreams of late. & I'm afraid I know why. But it's still dubious as all heckfire. Thank goodness I don't believe that we control our own dreams!
-Um, Kate, dear? Your ramblings font for today is entirely UNREADABLE. I dunno if that's deliberate, but as of right now, clicking the above "Kate's ramblings" link will deliver you to a 19 June filled with a SYMBOL font. This is taking it one step too far.
-Rain is no fun in an Albuquerque summer. I come here for the HEAT! Though thunderstorms are oddly reflective. Or were last night.
-Yes, I'm jumping around chronologically, but sometimes moods are random. Surprising, eh?
18 June 2000
-"I'm hoping you'll notice that no one else helps me grow. It's not easy to let you know what I'm dying to show. Dying until you know..."
-"Hey hey, have you ever danced in the rain or thanked the sun just for shining, just for shining o'er the sea?"
-Have I ever mentioned that John Schneider is, without any conceivable doubt, substantially the funniest human being I've ever encountered?
17 June 2000
-Happy Birthday, Gris. Everybody's suddenly 20. I would've wished Schneider a happy b-day 4 days ago, but he usually doesn't like people making a big fuss over such things. I also would've wished Hass a happy b-day 5 days ago, but she didn't tell me about it till last night! So. Now you've all been wished. Welcome to life after teenagerism... I dunno if you'll enjoy your stay.
-When I come to my senses, I'm moving to the Peak. It would sure cut down on travel time on that windy backroad.
-So, I was out running an errand for my Mom at 10 pm on this very Saturday night. We needed eggs & toilet paper... just incidental things we'd run out of. It wasn't until I was in line, placing my 18 eggs & 24 rolls of toilet paper on the conveyor belt that I realized why the adults around me were giving me dirty looks. That was all I purchased. At 10 pm on a Saturday night. Just goes to show you how thoroughly unjustified, yet assuredly prevalent, profiling is. By the time the cashier threw me a furtive mischeivous look, I wanted to stand up in front of the whole store & yell "No, I am NOT about to throw these at houses!" Instead, I scurried out the door.
16 June 2000
-Things just keep falling through. At this rate, the rest of my summer will consist of sitting in my room, theorizing about having friends somewhere, waiting for my fifth semester at Brandeis to begin. Wow, that would be sad. Put it this way, Jaque - mind-lost or no, you'll be missed 'round here this weekend.
-Gris, apparently there's nothing I can do to compel you to get going on this house thing. Don't just think how that makes me feel - think what FISH will feel when HE reads that!
-What's this? Vaguely normal hours? Say it ain't so!
-If you ever wonder what I'm really talking about or think I'm being too cryptic, e-mail me & I'll fill you in on more than you ever wanted to know. Just ask Jake.
-Argh. My "Poetry in Stagnation" tape broke today. Was consumed by my lovely tape player. Had to be broken to be removed from the hungry machine. That's frustrating, since I'd just examined most of my old tapes & concluded that this one really matched where I was & what I wanted to hear. I'm inclined to take as my only consolation that this might be a sign of what is to come... that I'm snapping the stagnance streak that's pervaded my existence for what feels like ages. That'd be really cool. Maybe I just need a new tape player.
-"& the rain's gonna wash away, I believe it..."
-So much for that. Why do I even bother?
-In the theme of recurring themes, had I not already written it, I'd probably write "LMBYSG" tonight. In fact, I was busy composing some lines to those end when I realized that I'd already done that once. Wonderbar.
15 June 2000
-When I put my mind to things, I really can get a lot done rather efficiently. Enough to even surprise myself. It's all about the motivation.
-The capacity for thoughtful & caring people to blame themselves for things that aren't remotely their fault is staggering. & frustrating.
-The debate page would be updated, but I can't do it through telnet. So that'll just have to wait. But the schedule for this coming fall is up at the APDA site, so we can pretend it's on the 'Deis site too. No, I haven't been thinking too much about debate lately, why do you ask?
-Well, after finishing reading, I've concluded that Goethe's Young Werther might well be my hero too. Sorry Stina. It's rare to find a book that endures that well from the 18th century, but this one's a winner. Thank you, Fish.
14 June 2000
-Jeez. Let's play the "How Fast Can Everything Come Full-Circle?" game! That's not upsetting so much as weird. I love reading my words quoted in e-mails that get forwarded to me.
-Okay, I think I've rooted out a conspiracy: how many people are using the word "prolly"?! Cause the number tripled overnight & suddenly it's swallowing me whole. I've always preferred my standby "prob'ly" as the way of shortening said word, but apparently I'm alone in an abyss of anti-b folk.
-The surge is on. Still.
-Screw Flag Day. All I can think of are those pesky "pep rallies" we used to have at AA. & that silly flag we had tacked to the wall of the gym. & the upset look of teachers when I turned my back to it during the national anthem. & we wonder why this society has a problem with violence. The whole "killing for a piece of cloth is not only justified but glorious" theme might be a good place to start reforming this troubled land.
-Childish but amusing is okay with me. Ickiness is unfortunate, however.
-Ahhh... THAT's what I like to hear!
13 June 2000
-Right now, I'm just happy to be healthy. Appreciative. Not only does ignoring the benefits of one's health tend to lead to contracting some sort of illness, but every time I get sick & get over it, I always promise myself to really appreciate moments of health in the future. & I usually neglect that promise more than I ought to. Right now, it feels good to feel good. I'm bordering dangerously close on Strangelove territory, so I'll leave that right where it is.
-If I ever find a girl I can talk to like I talk to my Dad, it'll be time to find a ring. Life is all about communication & while we have our... somewhat argumentative... moments, my Dad & I can talk like nobody's business. Conversations like tonight make it all worthwhile.
-By all accounts, this is looking suspiciously like an upswing. From a lot of different sides. Get pumped!
-Just a preliminary heads-up to everybody, since there appears to be some confusion - when I move in (please don't make me amend that to "if", Gris!) to the new place with "the guys", I won't have a computer. However, I'll still be dabbling in e-mail & possibly even this update thingy, though I'd imagine both might get a little less frequent. It will neither be a complete severance nor a maintenance. I'm tempted to just go computer-free & unchain myself utterly, but I know myself way better than that & I want to maintain contact with a lotta folks & NObody does the letter thing anymore. Which is kinda unfortunate. So, that's a preview for what (hopefully) hangs in the balance.
12 June 2000
-I love those times when the radio is just on fire. It's like the DJ is reading one's mind, picking apart everything one would like to hear, & adding a couple suggestions that one likes, but had forgotten. So spiffy.
-Some lines just get more meaningful over time. That's why I've never been able to get hung up on song associations. They're there, sometimes, in a limited sense, but by no means a limiting sense. Every song is capable of tacking on the associations in the future, always leaving room for more & without overly impeding the listening process. The really enduring songs are the ones that make more sense every time one hears them, like flypaper for life's myriad experiences.
-Enough. Sometimes, looking at that page is like swallowing lead. If I hadn't written it already, I'd write "Choking Mist Absent Melody" tonight.
-Hold your breath for tomorrow, kiddies. It's time for things to start working.
-I refuse to act like people owe me things that they don't. I refuse to intrude on people unless I know they want me to. I refuse to sacrifice what I believe in for the sake of "self-advancement".
-Before today, I don't think I'd ever realized just how profoundly comforting a little hand-written "Help Wanted" sign can be. That would be the coolest place to work, too. Now I just have to keep on waiting... something I enjoy oh-so-much. But at least now there's a substantial basis for hope, something not to be taken for granted.
11 June 2000
-Sunrises, ah, sunrises. Methinks it could become a goal of mine to see every sunrise in the future - yes, every single one, just for the feeling one gets from it. Especially 'round here, with the silhouetted Sandias in their stark contrast with the gradually lightening sky above. This is the type of spark that can single-handedly take a day out of drudgery & into the boldness of inspiration.
-Gris thought we were meeting at the OTHER Frontier Restaurant...
-Push back the move another week. Fish really MIGHT be the first person to take up residence. So it goes.
-I still hate frisbee. Any game where one can cherry-pick that effectively has to have problems. So much running, so little purpose. There's just nothing satisfying about the game. Every other sport really satisfies for some reason; makes one feel one has DONE something that justifies all the wheezing & scurrying about. Frisbee yields nothing. Even less than soccer. Though points to Anna for picking up on that anyway.
-I think all of my friends are going to end up being day-traders. We could all live in one house with about ten computers & I'd come home from teaching to see all the guys lined up at their stations, celebrating or distraught at the day's gains or losses. I guess Gris wouldn't day-trade either; he'd be too busy working his 20-hour day at PIRG. Or filming his brother. But everybody else'd be swapping stocks the whole time. Because it seems to be the thing they earnestly enjoy most. I think everyone should strive to make a living doing what they earnestly enjoy most. Well, within reason. Which, as I contended earlier today, has nothing (necessarily) to do with the law.
Introspection, My Worst Friend* (Current)
Ye Olde Archive (Past)
Tell me this is not the end...*
*-lyrics from an as-yet unreleased song, "The Same Old Frontiers", by SWClayton.