Disclaimer...
This was my work, almost four years ago. It was funny then, I swear. Really it was. Regardless of which, for nostalgia's sake, here it is. Hope you still enjoy a lil' bit of it.
-SWC, 14 February 1999, Waltham, Massachusetts
You can't hide...
You can't run away...
You can't consume edibles...
You can't catch the nearest train for Tuscaloosa...
The Fine Print is back yet again!!
This re-re-revised Fine Print was written 1 March 1995, to be added to the end of that day's list of
"Storey Stories", by Storey Clayton. While much of this Fine Print is identical to the older
editions, a significant number of jokes have been added to the entire thing...
The Fine Print is branching out! To keep up with our wonderfully fast-changing times, we have
gone beyond humoring only certain forms of advertising... we're attacking EVERYBODY! (We
are now officially an equal-opportunity attacker). Anyway, look out for special sale offers,
employment ads, our complaints department, and public-service announcements, er, oxymorons.
Well, there goes nothing and here comes... you guessed it... Nothing II - the Sequel!
Note: The Fine Print is now officially dolphin-safe.
The following is an unpaid political advertisement. The political people who took out the ad
cheated the heck out of us by not paying us for the ad space. But then again, they represented a
political person who you are obviously supposed to elect for another thousand years because
they can solve the deficit and other financial problems. So who am I to bug people about paying
me when these people will solve this country's currency crisis?
The following contains language, material, words, phrases, names, dates, telephone numbers,
addresses, and punctuation that may be found offensive and/or chewy to certain aphids from
Zimbabwe. Viewer discretion is advised...
The Fine Print:
This list regards the 54 main short stories being written by Storey William Clayton. Rank order is
author's current perception of quality. Author's current perception of quality is not necessarily
terribly accurate. Author's raisin perception of quality is far better. Ranks and descriptions are
subject to change at any time without notice or visible purpose. Titles are not set in stone. Titles
are printed on computer paper. Numbers following "Final Draft" stories indicate how many words
are in the story, rounded to the nearest 10. Please allow 360 words per paperback page. Storey
William Clayton is the author's real name at last check, but can be preceded with nicknames
such as "Store", "Yerots", "Edible", "Stor-man", "Novel", "Victor" and "Storage". All other
nicknames are completely unacceptable. Void where prohibited. Prohibited in 50 states, the
District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Nepal and any other place where humans breathe. Our
complaints department can be reached at 1-800-DONTCAL, anytime between 9 am and 5 pm,
Brunei Daylight Savings Time. Just add water. While supplies last. Phone lines open 24 hours,
7 days a week, except for St. Patrick's Day. Our complaints department is a branch of the IRS.
Cancel anytime prior to midnight. First cassette only $4.95, others will follow for a mere $99.99 -
a little more than the original price. This offer can't last long. Welcome aboard Untied Airlines:
this is a non-smoking flight, so anyone found smoking will be asked to step outside immediately.
Tampering with smoke detectors or smoke bombs in the lavatory is completely prohibited.
Should we experience a loss in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall... if you are travelling with
anyone else, first worry about your own self and oxygen before thinking twice about the survival
of anybody else. Some restrictions apply. These include where, what, when, why, and how you
can purchase, for how long a time, and if you are an alien from this planet. Mandatory drug tests
will be administered to all applicants (do you know your drugs?). No money down (we ask that
you hand it to us instead of dropping it on the floor). Expires 1/1/1904. Have a credit card ready
(it should be your own, but this isn't required), and call now toll-free at 1-800-1-NUMBER,
1-800-EDIBLES, 1-800-STOREY-7, 1-800-A-1-PHONE, 1-800-YOUCALD or any other cool
number you can think of. Or send check, money order, cash, coin, popsicle, duck, or another
non-explosive to 4708 The Address On the Bottom of Your Screen Street, Albion, Montana.
(Send the explosive to your local government representative [just kidding, of course] - unlike
fruitcake, this gift won't get sent back). The ZIP-code is 00000. Limit is one per coupon. No
CODs, please. The last time someone sent us a COD, we had to throw it back into the ocean. If
you're not completely satisfied, too bad for you. Our complaints department is run by the
government of Liechtenstein. See dealer for details. (If you don't want to see de aler for de tails,
you could see de cat or de dog). Save $10 (put it in your wallet instead of spending it). A
portion of our proceeds go towards fighting the terrorist rebels in Iran. Lost & Found: All items
not picked up after thirty days will be fed to cows. Guaranteed for a lifetime. (The product's
lifetime, of course). Special offer: Buy a brand-new Mercedes today, just $5,000 if paid in the
car dealership! (Engine sold separately). North Dakota residents add 5% sales tax.
Rent-to-own today, just $99 a month for the rest of your life. Our complaints department
entertains all complaints with a song, tap dance, and one swift kick. Comes with a free limited
warranty. (Warranty limits: we will repair all problems or damage to the product for as long as
the product is in perfect condition and works just like new). Equal-opportunity employer (the
employer has equal opportunities to reject you!). No purchase necessary. (If you saw what we
sold, no purchase would be desired, either). Please allow 4-6 billion years for delivery. (We use
the US Postal Service). All of our steak and lobster dinners are now served under a dollar! (we
provide the dollar-bill and ask for it back after your meal). Odds of winning are 1 in 7.98
quintillion. (Better than your local lottery!). Our complaints department is backed by the mafia.
Please fill this out your exam with a #2 pencil, because the people grading the test are extremely
picky. Money-back guarantee, if returned within twelve minutes of purchase and paid in
Indonesian currency. All new Jugos come free with a high-tech security system to prevent theft
(existence!). Violators will be towed. (In their vehicle). Not responsible for lost, stolen or
damaged items, even if it was our fault. Blind taste test. Bland taste test. Professional driver on
closed course. Please submit a resume that includes your name, address, telephone number,
social security number, license plate number, dog license number, height, weight, date of birth,
date of marriage, date of death, date of burial, date of Senior Prom, full credit history, empty
credit history, marital status, criminal record, Olympic record, rock-n-roll record, and favorite
made-for-TV movie. Also, please name at least three references (other than your relatives and
other people we don't trust: politicians, doctors, lawyers, dentists, Catholic priests, psychiatrists,
psychotics, football players on trial for murder, CEOs of major corporations, and my boss). Call
now and get 2.9% APR financing. (APR stands for Average Poverty Rate). Buy some fish today,
just $5 apiece after rebait. Don't try this at home. (We are paid professionals, as opposed to all
those unpaid professionals out there, currently known as oxymorons, or sometimes known as
just plain morons because they don't get paid for being professional, which means making
money, which means you work in a mint, which means you're an atom in the middle of a
chocolate bar, which means you are really small and meaningless, which means your name is Al
Gore). Don't call us... we'll call you. Eventually; if you're nice. Our complaints department
listens to all complaints made in Swahili. These entire 8 pages are (seriously!) copyright (C)
1994-1995, or specifically 1 March 1995, for Storey William Clayton in Albuquerque, New
Mexico, USA, North America, Western Hemisphere, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, The Local
Universe. (Wherever that is). It may not be copied, faxed, re-transmitted, re-done, talked about,
flown around the world, saturated, posted to a wall, sat on, thrown away, burned, eaten, indicted,
shoplifted, lectured, operated on, sued, translated into Dutch, buried, fried with bacon, worn as a
hat, converted to gold, made into one of those Origami cranes, or anything else you can think of
without the expressed, written, vocalized, or pantomimed consent of Storey William Clayton
and/or the makers of the "Emergency Exit" signs for busses. All rights reserved. To sit on the
left, however, no reservation is required. This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This
is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, you would here our radio announcers making
loud screaming noises, followed by virtually endless static as we flee the broadcast tower in
panic... With approved credit only. Ninety days same as cash. (Proving once again that time is
money!). Our complaints department is at the store next door. Filmed before a live studio
audience (ever existed, making this REALLY old). Buy a brand-new Mercedes engine for just
$80,000 if paid in cash! Answers verified by Webfoot's Brand New Hot Off the Presses
Unabridged Dictionary of the Anguished Lingo, copyright 1875. Beware!! Dyslexia is on the rise
and is now officially considered a major melborp. This film is not yet rated. (And it never will be).
Point of information: Brunei has never established Daylight Savings Time. Opinions expressed
in these pages are completely the responsibility of the abovementioned (but belowforgotten)
Storey Clayton. Unless, of course, you disagree with them, in which case they are somebody
else's. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled special report, already in progress, and
just now finished. Thank you!
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Living may be hazardous to your health. Breathing,
eating, and sleeping are all proven to be highly addictive. In fact, they are so addictive that the
emotional let-down of stopping them, even for a very short period of time, is so great that the
addict who stops ends up dead.
The Fine Print is printed on 86.78943% recycled paper
(we got the rest directly from the rainforests)
No animals were actually harmed in the printing of the Fine Print...
All violent scenes were simulated.
(By the way, no dinosaurs were actually harmed during the filming of "Jurassic Park")
Head Back to the Source of this Madness